The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

Springfield, God knows where, August 30th, 2008, (Reuters).- It was an

Lucille Botzkowski was the only one brave enough to take on the Simpson's children

unusually honest ad from a blue high-haired woman, for a live-in nanny, a 1,000-word tome beginning, “My kids are a pain.” But it worked, attracting a brave soul who’s never worked as a nanny before.

“If you cannot multitask, or communicate without being passive aggressive, don’t even bother replying,” Marjorie Bouvier Simpson, a mother of three in the suburbs of Springfield,  wrote August 25th in her advertisement on Craiglist.

“They can be a tad difficult to work for. Specially the boy, he’s loud, pushy and while I used to think we paid well, I am no longer sure.”

Simpsons, a 38-year-old housewife whose husband works as a safety supervisor in a nuclear plant, eventually hired Lucille Botzkowski, a 50-year-old recently released inmate to take care of Bartholomew, 10, Lisa Marie, 8 and Margaret, 1. 

“I made a commitment to stay in the job for at least a year,” Botzkowski told the Times. “I met the oldest child, but not the others, which my lawyer said was crazy — to accept the job without meeting all the kids. So we’ll see.” She noted that one of the pluses is that the children are all in school for several hours each day.

Meanwhile, Simpson told the Times: “I hope she likes it here. I sent the ad to one of my old sitters and she said she felt it was pretty accurate, which sort of stung a little bit.”

Dayton, OH, August 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- In a move that suprised both friends and foes, Republican

Sarah Palin was chosen for the Republican Vice Presidential ticket. Rumors say that she was chosen so that viewers would finally be motivated to watch the Republican Ads.

candidate for presidency, John McCain announced that Palin will be his vice presidential running mate for the elections.

Palin drew criticism from both Republicans and Democrats, “First, he’s a comedian, not a polititian, second, he’s British,” commented a reporter in the press conference.

“No, no, you little jerk, I mean Sarah Palin, not Michael Palin, you dumbf(expletive)”

“Who?”, asked the assembly unanimously.

Alaska’s governor, Sarah Palin, who happens to be the hottest governor in the US, was asked on what she plans to do as a VP, “As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does everyday.”

John McCain quickly answered that question; “The role of the vicepresident is to break ties in the senate and inquire daily into the health of the president.”

When asked on how he conducted the VP selection process, McCain replied, “Well, basically, it was a google.”

Reporters inquired further if he conducted the google himself, “I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon enough, getting on myself. I don’t expect to be a great communicator, I don’t expect to set up my own blog, but I am becoming computer literate to the point where I can get the information that I need,” explained the senator.

“Do you use a Mac or a PC?” asked another reporter. “I am illiterate and have to rely on my wife  for all the assistance I can get,” answered the candidate.

The announcement came just a few days after Democratic candidate Barack Obama had announced Joe Biden as his vicepresidential running mate.

“Let me introduce to you the next President, the next VICE president of the United States of America, Joe Biden,” said Obama to an audience at Denver.

In turn, Joe Biden, spoke wonders about the presidential candidate, “I mean you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy. A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States, Barack America!”

When asked on how far he’s taking his message, the Democratic candidate answered “I’ve now been in 57 states, I think one left to go.”

Los Angeles, CA, August 27th, 2008, (Reuters).- Backed by the California-based Mattel law firm, popular doll

"You're my doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamour in pink, kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky," Sasha mocked Barbie as she took her pretty plastic crown.

Barbie beat Bratz in a lawsuit over her “pretty clothes” designer.

In an press conference, Barbie explained the reason for wanting to keep the designer for the clothes that she claims those Bratz stole from her; “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.”

When asked for comments regarding that she portrayed a dumb and submissive image, not appropriate for her young admirers, she replied, “I’m a blond, bimbo girl, in a fantasy world. Dress me up, make it tight, I’m your dolly.”

On the other hand, Cloe, Yasmin, Sasha and Jade, collectively known as the Bratz, commented that they will appeal the decision and take the designer back. “Everybody now, time to show the whole world what we’re all about, with the girls with a passion for fashion.”

On a related note, a toy manufacturer, who has had financial success with previous different versions of Barbie, such as Latina Barbara, yo mama Barbs, anorexic Barbie and teen pregnant Barbie, released a new Divorced Barbie with a hefty price tag of $5,000 dollars. When president Robert A. Eckert was asked for the reason of such a high price, he explained “Well, you see, the new divorced Barbie doll comes with a lot of accessories, such as Ken’s house, Ken’s apartment, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s bank accounts and Ken’s brother.”

To read this article in Russian, go here. Эта статья по-русски:

http://tetarakihi.livejournal.com/9849.html

(Translation courtesy of Tarakihi)

Washington, D.C., August 26th, 2008, (Reuters).- The White House on Tuesday blasted Russia’s formal

The US is already sending its army with humanitarian aid to the area.

recognition of two separatist Georgian provinces, South Ossetia and Abkhazia, calling it “irrational” behavior that is rejected by the world.

White House spokesman Tony Frappuchino said the US would use its veto power on the U.N. Security Council to make sure Russia’s move is “dead as an Afghan”. “The threath of a veto is a valid and brave move as long as it isn’t the French who use it.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Russia has no business declaring the provinces independent of U.S.-backed Georgia. “I think it is regrettable, just because they don’t speak Georgian, and their population is not Georgian, and they haven’t been governed by Georgia since the dissolution of the USSR, and they had been invaded by Georgia a couple of weeks ago, doesn’t mean they’re not part of Georgia. This puts Russia in opposition to Security Council resolutions, which is as bad as the invasions of Western Sahara, East Timor, Cyprus, the Palestinian Territories and Iraq, specially as a member of the P-5, which will have to drop Russia and become the Fantastic Four,” explained Rice in a press conference.

State Department spokesman Robert Wood said the U.S. is looking at a variety of options to respond. “We’re not trying to escalate anything, but we obviously can’t allow what Russia’s done to go without there being some consequences. In fact, if our troops weren’t busy invading other countries, we would have already used them to punish Russia for invading other countries.”

After the invasion of South Ossetia by Georgian forces, and the invasion of Georgia by Russian forces, the US sent the missile destroyer USS McFaul to the Georgian port of Batumi, to deliver humanitarian aid.

“Just because it’s a missile destroyer, doesn’t mean it carries missiles, but humanitarian aid. If we had meant to sent weapons, we would have sent a Red Cross vessel,” finished Rice.

Senator and GOP presidential hopeful John McCain angry because famous people won't answer his calls or invite him to their parties. "I will veto every single beer," threatened the candidate.

Denver, CO, August, 25th, 2008, (Reuters).- John McCain’s campaign hit back at Madonna on Sunday after the pop diva kicked off her world tour with a concert that bracketed the US presidential candidate with Adolf Hitler and Robert Mugabe.

It all started when pop queen and diva kicked off her “Crunchy and Munchy” world tour in the Decadium Stadium, in Cardiff, UK,  showing a video that showed McCain along with pictures of dictators Robert Mugabe and Adolf Hitler, as well as videos of war destruction and global warming. The song played during the video was originally going to be “Material girl”, but it was later changed to “Get Stoopid” to avoid controversy.

McCain, who supports the Iraq war surge, the bomb, bomb, bomb-ing of Iran and the drilling of Alaska and opposes the increase in automobile fuel economy and new taxes on oil companies, said the comparison was completely irrelevant.

“The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time, it makes us want to bomb, bomb, bomb Cardiff, ” McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bombs said in a statement reported by Fox News.

“It clearly shows that when it comes to supporting Barack Obama, his fellow worldwide celebrities refuse to consider any smear or attack off limits, including using videos and commercials that compare his rival with people that have nothing to do with US politics.”

The Worldwide Celebrities Union, which is headed by sexy Angelina Jolie, Michael Phelps and Tom Cruise didn’t answer any calls for comments, as they were too busy watching NBC’s delayed transmission of the Beijing closing ceremony.

Beijing, China, August 24th, 2008, (Reuters).- Faster, Usain Bolt, Higher,

It's hard to come up with a joke with such a flawless ceremony.

Yelena Isinbayeva, Stronger, Matthias Steiner, and now, more medals, Michael Phelps.

In an spectacular closing ceremony, Beijing 2008 ended in “The Bird’s Nest” two weeks of amazing games with drums, music, art and thousands and thousands of obedient Chinese.

The ceremony started with a countdown in which the numbers were being shown with fireworks in Beijing’s sky, as well as the five olimpic rings. Hundreds of drums started to play in the center of the stadium while two giant drums were also being played while suspended on air. Hundreds of Chinese dancers joined with choreography and vehicles with lights in a show that amazed everyone except the Americans who again had to skip the live transmission and had to wait for NBC’s delayed one.

The nations parade was much more casual and shorter as only one athlete from each country paraded, accompanied by a Chinese guy. Later on, the rest of the athletes that are still in Beijing joined their partners in the spaces that the Chinese left for them.

The medal ceremony for the marathon took place then, with the medals being given by Jacques Rogge, the president of the International Olympics Committee. Samuel Wanjiru from Kenya took gold, Jaouad Gharib from Morrocco took silver and Tsegay Kebede from Ethiopia took bronze. They all seemed Africans to the US audience.

Jacques Rogge said a speech.  ”The world has learned about China, and China has learned about the world, and I believe this has been a lot of learning.”

The English were present, in anticipation for the London 2012 games. A double decker bus appeared on stage from which a rather hindi girl came out, who received a soccer ball from a Chinese girl. This ball was later given to Spice Boy Beckham, who shot a penalty with it. One from the many Chinese volunteers caught it though. Led Zepellin’s guitarrist Jimmy Paige was brought all the way from the eldery home so he could pretend he played a Guitar Hero solo. Leona Lewis joined him with the Rock Band vocals. 

A touching moment was when 3 athletes were shown in a plane staircase, giving the impression that they were about to board it. The American Olympic committee filed a protest that their baggages hadn’t been checked for potential terrorist bombs or threaths.

The Chinese gave a show of discipline and coordination by mounting up a tower and giving it life as an olympic torch, using only dancers who were dressed red and silver. 

Afterwards, several modern Chinese singers, along with more dancers and representatives of China’s ethnies, sang to the public. The song “Wo ai Beijing”, which means “we’re not underage at Beijing”, was specially catchy. Jackie Chan also showed up and showed that he can fake singing as well as fighting. Placido Domingo also sang along with Chinese star, Chun Li.

Finally, the sky was again filled with fireworks, which lasted several minutes and brought back the smog that had been absent from Beijing’s sky during the last 2 weeks.

This time, The United States changed the way the medal rankings are calculated, trying new ways, all of which, by mere coincidence, give the US the first place. Instead of letting the number of gold medals decide who the first place is, as has always been done in the olympics and which gives host China first place, the US used total medals, medals per capita and medals in non-judged events systems, which all give the US first place. 

Meanwhile, countries who won their first ever olympic medals, Afghanistan, Bahrain, Mauritius, Sudan, Tajikistan and Togo also claimed their athletes were the best of the world. So did Panama and Mongolia who won their first ever gold medals. They hope to soon begin appearing on maps as well.

"You should see your faces," laughs candidate Obama as jumpy VP hopefuls hire expensive consultants to decipher any hidden message in Obama's latest speeches.

Washington, D.C., August 22nd, 2008, (Reuters).- Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is having the time of his life by keeping fellow democrats guessing if they will be the lucky one chosen for his running VP.

“Ok, ok, I’ll give you some clues… it could be a man or a woman, but in any case he or she will be a ….. DEMOCRAT!!” remarked Obama as he broke in laughter.

There are several potential VPs who care a lot about the choice but pretend they don’t.

Representative Chet Edwards from Texas said “the possibility of me not being chosen is the same as I allowing a gay marriage, even if I win by only a very slim margin.”

Delaware senator Joe Biden commented “It would be an honor to run along the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, and clean and a nice looking guy. I mean, that would be a storybook, man.”

Indiana junior senator Evan Byah remarked, “Certanly my wife’s companies could use all the help we and senator Obama could give them. Sorry, I mean, the other way around.”

Virginia governor Tim Kaine declared, “Senator Obama needs someone who takes a firm stand on his beliefs. I have very good principles, and if people don’t like them, I have others. But if he doesn’t take me, I could work for McCain as well.”

Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius added, “not every Democratic woman is like Hillary Clinton, and NO, I’m NOT related to Professor Snape.”

Hillary Clinton finished, “I’ll do what’s best for my country, even if it means re-opening the Democratic presidential candidate election so that the people of America can have the chance to reconsider their error.”

Washington, D.C., August 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- McCain

The McCains and pictures of some of their houses

singlehandledly created the biggest housing crisis the US has ever known, by not knowing how many houses he and his over 5 million dollars multimillionare wife have.

Neither does anyone in the US.

The McCain camp says at least 4. The Obama camp says 7. The Associated Press says at least 8.

John McCain says “I’ll have my staff get to you.  No, wait, I know this one, let me see…It’s condominiums where… I’ll have them get to you.”

Democratic hopeful Obama, who recently arrived from his vacation in a private beach in Hawaii, commented on McCain’s answer. ”A guy who thinks being rich is making $5 million dollars a year and not knowing how many houses he has is clearly out out touch with the working class,” declared the candidate from his $1.6 million dollar house.

Part of the problem is that some of the McCains’ properties house smaller houses, so it’s not clear whether they should count as one or as individual houses.

The controversy started last week, when McCain declared that being rich in the US meant making 5 million dollars a year, hiring more than than 100 servants and not having to use public yatch and golf clubs.

According to his tax returns, Obama and his wife Michelle earned only $4.2 million in 2007 so they will be applying for food stamps this year. McCain earned only half a million, but his wife’s income of $6 million from last year plus her $100 million wealth saved him from poverty and welfare.

Warsaw, Poland, August 20th, 2008, (Reuters).- The US and Poland

Secretary of State Rice giving the news to president Bush in her usual maternal way.

signed a deal to place a US missile system just 115 miles from Russia, which US secretary of State claims does not represent a military threat to Russia.

“Just because it’s next to Russia, and it’s been agreed just after the Russian invasion to Georgia, and it’s right in the Russian sphere of influence, doesn’t mean it represents a threat to Russia. It is in our defense that we do this,” commented Rice.

When asked about further clarification, she replied “why, it’s obvious that if we put a missile system next to Russia, it’s because we’re preparing a defense from an attack from Iran, not Russia.”

With respect to the Russian comments about a possible pre-emptive attack on Poland for accepting the facility, Rice developed, “such comments border on the bizarre, frankly. The Russians are losing their credibility. This is not 1988, it’s 2008. In this age, you just can’t do pre-emptive attacks on countries in order to destroy a weapon system that is not there on the excuse of self-defence without international sanction.”

Poland, like Georgia, has contributed 2,300 soldiers to the Iraq war and 1,600 to Afghanistan. Polish Prime Minister Donald Duck hopes to have a better protection than the former soviet republic. “After what happened to Georgia, we don’t want to fight the Russians with half of our army somewhere else,” he commented.

Islamabad, Pakistan, August 19th, 2008, (Reuters).- US former ally-enemy-

President Bush from the US with President Musharraf from Pakistan at a reunion in Islamabad. Bush had forgotten if he had to grant aid or impose penalties to the country.

ally-enemy, Pakistan’s president Pervez Musharraf left his office before an impeachment process that had been promoted by the opposition.

The impeachment tries to show that Musharraf is guilty of abuse of power, restrictions of liberties and corruption. It specially tries to connect Musharraf with deviations of government funds that were supposed to be used for the purchase of 120 Chinese tanks.

“The manuals were in Chinese, so I couldn’t have known that they were septic tanks. Nevertheless, we are going to train our soldiers and use them to invade India and recuperate Kashmir,” explained Musharraf back then.

When asked why he gave in to the opposition’s claims of corruption, instead of calling for another emergency state, like he usually does, he replied “this time, they put enough zeros on a check, and amnesty to top it off.”

Musharraf’s Pakistan used to be an ally of the US due to its enemity with the USSR, then it became an enemy after they had conflicts with India and developed nuclear capabilities. Then it became and ally again when it supported the war on terror. Then later it became an enemy again when it wasn’t able or willing to stop the Taliban in the Afghanistan’s border with Pakistan. 

One of the biggest US complains about Musharraf is his supposed support and funding of the Taliban. One recently declassified White House call recording questions Musharraf’s alliences. It’s a recording from a call from Musharraf to Bush in the morning of September 11, 2001.

Musharraf: Mr. Bush, I would like to express my deepest sympathies to you and your country. It’s a real tragedy. So many people, so many magnificent buildings.

Bush: What buildings? What people?

Musharraf: Oh, what time is it now in the US?

Bush: Eight o’clock in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops, sorry. I’ll call you back in an hour.