The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

Liverpool, UK, October 30th, (Reuters).- The Beatles’ music will be featured in the next version of the

The band had originally signed with RedOctane to produce a Guitar Hero game, but the guitars wouldn't stop weeping gently.

higly popular music video game Rock Band, produced by MTV Games and Harmonix. The game is expected to be released early next year.

Its original title was going to be “Rock Band: More famous than Jesus,” then it was changed to “Rock Band: British Invasion,” and then to “Rock Band: Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Band Club.” However, since it was still considered too politically incorrect for the American market, they decided to settle for “Rock Band: The Beatles.”

Surviving Beatles members, Paul McCartney and Ringo Star commented on the videogame.

They claimed that there’s a huge market fo the game: thousands and thousands of nerds without a girlfriend, “All the lonely people, where do they come from?” they explained.

Regarding the royalties they would get, Paul McCartney said “I really don’t care too much for money, for money can’t buy me love. But I’m willing to share what we get with Ringo.” To which Ringo complained, “you never give me your money.”

They also explained that they never thought producing a videogame would be so much work. “You know, it’s been a hard day’s night and we’ve been working like a dog. And recordings are held eight days a week, but it’ll be worth it because players will be able to play Rock’n'Roll music any old way they choose it,” Ringo Starr said.

The game can already be pre-ordered through internet at a launch price of £4,500. The price is expected to go down in the future. So far, only a lad from Attica called Chapman has pre-ordered it. He said he wants to play it when he gets home, that is approximately, when he’s 64.

Moscow, Russia, October 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- USSR icon and idol of thousands of Russian women,

Until the very end, he denied any similarity with Frank Sinatra. "I'd rather be compared with James Bond," he once said.

Muslim Magomayev, died in his flat.

He was buried in his birthtown, Baku, in former soviet republic Azerbaijan. It’s still unknown if this is because he wanted it that way or because the corpse of Ekaterina Fursteva denied the permission needed to be buried in the Novodevichye Cementery.

Police are still investigating the cause of death, but thousands of empty cigarrette boxes that were found in his flat have lead to the conclusion that his lover smoked too much while she prepared him fish soup, which then might have poisoned him.

The Minister of Culture arranged a ceremony for his remains in the Tchaikovsky Concert Hall. A funeral chariot was rented to transport his black coffin, but it wasn’t necessary as thousands of women carried it and painted it red with their lipstick. Some panties were thrown as well.

Thousands of fans have staged noisy demonstrations. The noisiest ones, however, were heard along the Piterskaya and the Tverskaya-Yamskaya.

Hollywood, CA, October 24th, 2008, (Reuters).- As the race is approaching its end, famous real and

Al Bundy has retaken his trademark No MA'AM t-shirt to express his opposition to Sarah Palin.

fictional personalities have started to back Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

One of the lastest celebrities that has endorsed the candidate is the Fonz. In a recent add he speaks to Richie and tells him that voting for Bush and Chenney was “wwwrr…….”, (apparently unable to admit he’s wrong). “But now we can make it right.” Fonz explained. He also told Richie he hand misunderstood Palin’s claim that “she shoots moose” as “she was loose.”

Another TV father that certanly makes less than $250,000 a year is Al Bundy. The famous shoe salesman has decided to back Obama after finding out that he’d save $1,000 dollars in taxes. Of course, he had to buy a $1,500 computer to find that out first. “Obama! Obama!” shouted Al Bundy as he slammed his hand against a table and raised his fist as he announced his support for the Democratic candidate.

Sarah Silverman has also decided to back the candidate. “I encourage all Jewish voters to schlep over to Florida and convince your grandparents to vote for Obama. Did I say encourage? I meant I demand you.” 

Retired sheriff Andy Taylor and his son Opie Taylor also expressed support for Senator Obama. “People are funny. Change scares them, they’d rather feel good in the same thing that’s been messing them up when change is the thing they can help them,” explained Andy to his son in a new commercial. “When I’m a grown up, I’d sure like to vote for someone as good as Mr. Obama,” replied Opie, apparently oblivious to the fact that he’s over 40 now and able to vote.

Close sources to the candidate (Michelle told us) say that although he welcomes any vote, he’s not too happy to be connected with some of the celebrities that try to get as many pictures with him as possible. “I can’t tell any names, but… oh, what gives, it’s Homer Simpson and Lindsay Lohan.”

So far, only Abe Simpson, Ned Flanders and Mr. Burns have been the only fictional characters to endorse the Palin-McCain ticket.

Paris, France, October 23rd, 2008, (Reuters).- French president Nicolas Sarkozy almost sued a company that

The Sarkozy voodoo doll. The ad says "Offers 12 different ways to surrender. Baggette not included."

sells voodoo dolls in his image along with pins to stick in them and a satirical biography, court officials said.

The same company also sells a similar kit with a doll resembling his model wife, Carla Bruni, which, not suprisingly, has had more success than Sarkozy’s.

The pins that are sold along with Sarkozy’s doll make it do several actions, like drop a gun or raise both hands in the air really fast. The doll has several built in voice messages. All of them say “I surrender” in over 10 languages.

Sarkozy’s lawyer, arguing that the president had the exclusive right to his image, had earlier called on the makers to withdraw the dolls from sale, but the company refused to do so.

Sarkozy’s legal team gave up when the company hired a German lawyer. A spokesfrench told the press “Oh, merde.”

"Some of the money was used in advertising Palin's look", said Schmitt.

Denver, CO, October 22nd, 2008, (Reuters).- The Palin-McCain ticket admitted today that over $150,000 in donations were spent on Sarah Palin’s look. Spokesmodel Tracey Schmitt explained the issue to the press.

“With all of the important issues facing the country right now, it’s remarkable that we’re spending time talking about pantsuits and blouses, when we should be speaking about Obama palling with terrorists and how McCain is a maverick. Besides, it was always the intent that the clothing go to a charitable purpose after the campaign, for example, the Clothes for Unemployed Pregnant Teens of Alaska, (CUTA).”

“Moreover, we wanted to make it difficult or at least very expensive for Tina Fey,” finished Schmitt.

When asked if donation money was used for other of Palin’s personal expenses, Schmitt categorically denied it, “Of course not, she’s a decent an honest person. She has never used campaign money for her personal expenses. For example, when her children traveled far from home, from Wasillia to Anchorage, Alaskan money was used, not campaign money.”

In a related news, Governor Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, answered Brandon Garcia’s, a third grade 8-year old child, question about what a vice-president does.

“That’s a darn good question, Brandon, and you betcha that a vice president has a really great job, because not only are they there to support the president’s agenda, they’re like the team member, the team mate to that president,” Palin said.

“But also, they’re in charge of the United States Senate. In addition to bribing federal judges in order to avoid murders of babies like you, they lobby congressmen in order to make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for you, and your family and your classroom. And it’s a great job and I look forward to having that job, if God grants me the chance,” Palin ended.

Gotham City. NJ, October 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- After many celebrities backing Barack Obama lately,

Batman and the Penguin participated in the Democratic Primaries, but both eventually lost to Hillary.

one of them has finally stood up for McCain: The Penguin.

“My friends, I support Senator McCain because it’s time someone stopped the negativism in this campaign and talked about the real issues. And there’s only one real issue in this campaign: Who really is the Batma… I mean, Barack Obama?” said the Penguin to the Gotham liberal media.

“Who is he? Why does he hide his past? Who does he hang around with? Let me give you the answer, my friends: criminal terrorists. Bill Ayers, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Tony Rezko, The Joker, Poison Ivy, etc. I’m telling you, the guy is a two-face,” explained the Penguin to the press.

“It’s also been completly proven that he is in league with organizations such as ACORN and Lexcorp and preparing the greatest electoral fraud in history. If that’s not an evil masterplan. I don’t know what it is. And believe me, I do know. I took classes with Dick Chenney,” finished the villian.

Batman immediatly reached out for the Democratic candidate to give him his support. “Holy elections, Barack!”

Tampa, FL, October 20th, (Reuters).- Democratic candidate Barack Obama gave a speech at Tampa, Florida,

Obama accepted that the rumors that he received money from abroad are true. "Yes, Oprah contributed, but no name calling, please," asked the candidate.

in which he said many different things in order to appeal to voters. One of them was an attack on McCain, claiming “he (McCain) will say anything, do anything. Now, is there anything you’d like me to say or do?”

He also claimed that the race will tighten as it comes to a close. “That’s what happens at the end of campaigns. Even when there are substantial leads. We can still snatch defeat from victory, so don’t underestimate us. You know, Hillary Clinton is not the first politician to declare ‘Mission Accomplished’ too soon.”

He also spoke about the attacks that he has received lately, mostly from Sarah Palin. “Look, I’ve been called worse on the basketball court.”

He also spoke about the recent endorsement given to him by the former Joint Chief of Staff, Colin Powell. “Until now, I was afraid that he’d join the ‘Blacks against Obama’ group, which, fortunately, is very small. Just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.”

An updated Reagan comment brought cheers from the crowd, “At this rate, the question isn’t just ‘Are you better off now than you were four years ago?’, it’s ‘Are you better off now than four hours ago? The crisis has even affected me and my campaign: I’m accepting change now.”

He ended his speech with a simple comment: “I’m a little too awesome.”

New York, NY, October 17th, 2008, (Reuters).- In an effort to both reach a wider audience and get

Republican candidate John McCain with his first guest David Letterman, laughing at Governor Palin's latest gaffe.

sympathy from voters, the Palin-McCain ticket has gone into showbiz, starring in famous shows that cover a much bigger audience than their political debates could ever have. Both shows are based in New York.

McCain now stars in his own show, called “The Late Show with John McCain.” To the surprise of everyone, the first guest of the show was its former host, David Letterman.  They talked about the two items that American people care most about: Palin’s qualifications and Obama’s relationship with Ayers.

“They (Obama and Ayers) are driving cross country and having dinner together,” claimed McCain. “And amongst Governor Palin’s greatest qualifications, the best one is that she has stood up for the truth and reminded this (the Obama-Ayers connection) to the American people. And don’t miss her in the next SNL. She will wipe the floor with Tina Fey. Yes, that one.”

When Letterman started asking harder questions, McCain interrupted him, “It’s not the time to raise anyone’s taxes, except yours. I guarantee you when I become president, I’ll do it. First executive order”

“I’m sorry, I screwed up,” apologized Letterman.

McCain finished the show announcing that tomorrow’s guest will be Joe the Plumber.

On the other hand, Governor Sarah Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, will become a permanent member of SNL, substituting Tina Fey who has recently been impersonating Palin.

“It’s about darn time I showed all them (Hockey Moms and Joe Sixpacks) who the real comedian is, and who the person who has palled with terrorists and wants to raise your taxes is,” said Governor Palin, confusing the attacks she was supposed to aim at Fey with the ones she’s been aiming at Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Holland, OH, October 16th, 2008, (Reuters).- Microsoft has announced that Joe Wurzelbacher will be

Joe Sixpack will be the brother of Joe the Plumber and will use red and blue colors to avoid confusion and lawsuits with a famous green and blue clothed videogame character.

the new star of a new videogame that will come out on November 4th, “Joe Bros.”

The game stars a new character named “Joe the plumber”, who has to go through several stages and complete tasks in order to earn money. Instead of a time clock, a bar dubbed “distribution of wealth” will follow Joe constantly and if it catches up with him, his money will start to be taxed more.

In the first stage, called “Plumbering the Union,” Joe the Plumber has to go through pipes and clean them in record time in order to obtain a plumbing license.

Later, in the “Drowned in documents” stage, Joe the Plumber has to fight against Demokoopa Troopas and legal documents in order to rescue a plumbing business from being overtaxed.

Finally, in the last level, “King Obawser”, Joe the Plumber fights King Obawser himself by evading his policies and cutting the bridge to nowhere in order to make King Obawser finally fall in the polls.

If a second player joins the game, he will take the role of Joe the Plumber’s brother: Joe Sixpack. Both characters can take Maverick Stars that appear at certain locations in the game to turn invincible for a while. They can also take secret Alaskan Oilpipes to drill their way to higher levels.

London, U.K., October 15th, 2008, (Reuters).- In an interview with The Sun, Madonna confessed that she and

Madonna also spoke about looking for a female companion next. "I'm willing to go over the Borderline, even if I have to Take a Bow. It feels like a little prayer."

director Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce.

How do you feel about being single again?

Like a virgin.

We know you caught Guy and a younger woman together in a bar, what was your first reaction?

Who’s that girl?

Really? And what did he answer?

Beautiful stranger.

What did Guy tell you when you announced your decision to get a divorce?

I’d rather be your lover.

Did your son with him, Rocco say anything?

Papa don’t preach.

How was your sex life with Guy?

Ain’t no big deal.

Why? Does he miss something?

What it feels like for a girl.

What would you prefer?

Deeper and deeper

I see, anything else?

Hanky Panky.

Did he ever call you names?

Material girl.

Do you think that was uncalled for?

I deserve it.

What are you going to do after your present tour is finished?

Holiday.

After this, what do you think of marriage?

Vogue.