The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

When asked if he was afraid of another costly divorce with his new fiancée, the ex-beatle said "We can work it out."

New York, NY, January 28, 2009, (Reuters).- Ex-beatle Paul McCarntey appeared on “the Colbert Report,” answering questions to Stephen Colbert about his love life (McCartney’s, not Colbert’s).

Question: How did you get over the death of Linda, your first wife?

Answer: Obladi, oblada, life goes on.

Q: How did your second wife, Heather Mills, declared her love for you?

A: Baby, you’re a rich man.

Q: What did you tell her when she asked so much money for the divorce?

A: You never give me your money.

Q: What did you tell your lawyer about it?

A: Help!

Q: What did he tell you?

A: You’re going to lose that girl.

Q: Where is she now?

A: Back in the U.S.S.R.

Q: How did you feel after losing so much money in the divorce?

A: The fool on the hill.

Q: Do you regret that marriage?

A: I should have known better.

Q: Is there a lesson to that experience?

A: Can’t buy me love.

Q: How did you meet your current girlfriend, socialite Nancy Shevell?

A: She came in through the bathroom window.

Q: How did you find her?

A: I saw her standing there.

Q: How did you declare your love to her?

A: Love, love me do.

Q: Why do you want to marry her?

A: I’ve got a feeling and I love her.

Q: Where does your fiancée like to have sex?

A: Here, there and everywhere.

Q: Really? and how often does she want it?

A: Eight days a week.

Q: How do you manage to have sex at your age?

A: With a little help from my friends.

Q: How was sex with Linda?

A: Twist and shout.

Q: How was it with Heather?

A: Honey, don’t.

Q: And with Nancy?

A: A hard day’s night.

Q: Do you still take drugs?

A: Everybody’s got something to hide.

Q: What do you do when you have to appear in public after taking drugs?

A: Act naturally.

Q: Do past acquaintances or even total strangers ever try to claim they’re your offspring in order to rip you off your money?

A: Everybody’s trying to be my baby.

Q: Finally, is there something you’d like to say to your fans?

A: Happiness is a warm gun.

Ty Inc. is also releasing in the near future a new doll for its "Pregant Palin" series. It'll be called, "Bristol with Baby," and will have nothing to do with Alaska's governor's daughter.

Washington, D.C., January 27th, 2008, (Reuters).- Michelle Obama expressed her disagreement with the dolls that are being produced and that are named after her daughters, Sasha and Malia.

The new first lady told the press “We believe it is innapropiate to use two young private, totally average citizens for marketing purposes. First, because the election is already over.  Second, because we didn’t get any royalties.”

Ty Inc.’s spokesperson Tania Lundeen told the media “There’s nothing in the dolls that refers to the Obama girls. Just because they are black, represent about the same age as the real Sasha and Malia, and they are called Sasha and Malia, doesn’t mean that they are replications of Sasha and Malia. They have nothing to do with them. Really! Honest! We chose those traits just because they are full of hope and change. “

She also took the opportunity to make an important announcement, “Most of all, we want to remind you that each dolls is sold for only $9.99, and if you buy both of them, you get a free copy of ‘The audacity of hope’ as a bonus.”

The artist also declared he's tired of all the Michael-Jackson-picks-his-nose jokes. "Oh, just beat it, will ya?" he said.

London, UK, November 17th, 2008, (Reuters).- Pop star, Michael Jackson is being sued again, this time by an Arab Sheikh prince from the totally unheard kingdom of Bahrain.

The Sheikh prince, whose short name is Abdulla Bin Hamad Al Khalifa Mohammed Hussein Barack, claims he gave Michael Jackson 7 million American dollars, 2 white limousines, 3 golden watches with “Jackson” engraved in them and 543 virgins from his personal harem, in exchange of 25 minutes of quality time and a couple of rounds of Rock Band, which Michael Jackson never delivered.

“The word is out, he’s doing wrong, we’re going to lock him up, before too long,” said the Shiekh’s lawyer, describing Michael Jackson’s end of the bargain as bad.

Michael Jackson, who defines his race as black or white, claims he’s innocent, and he thought the money he received from the Sheikh was just small change to pay for petty expenses, like paving his Never-Ever-Again ranch with golden bricks.

“He clearly doesn’t remember the time when he said it was a gift,” said Michael Jackson to the press. “And now he says I’m the one who will dance on the floor in a round.”

The King of Pop also claimed he’s always the target of opportunistic people who try to take advantage of him in order to get money. “People always told me, be careful who you love, be careful what you do, ’cause the lie becomes the truth,” lamented the singer.

Los Angeles, CA, November 14th, 2008, (Reuters).- A fan of Paula Abdul was found dead in a car just

The incident prompted a new format for the program that will try to avoid more suicides.

3 feet away from the judge’s house.

Ed Winterwonderland, from the Los Angeles County Department of Coroner explained the incident to the press, “We found the body in a car and we still don’t know the cause of death, although the 4 empty jars of valium might suspect an overdose. By the way, have I told you that I can sing a terrific version of Britney Spear’s ‘Toxic’?”

Paula Goodspeed had appeared in season 275 of American Idol, where she sang her own classical-retro-rap British version of “Proud Mary”, to which Simon commented, “that was shameful, Jesus!”. Paula, on the other hand, had said “you’re unique,” and she never clarified if she meant it as a compliment or an insult.

Regarding the tragic incident, American Idol producer Simon Fuller commented, “We are indeed sad about this tragedy, but we remain hopeful that the event will actually increase our ratings.”

Paula Abdul said she was saddened by the incident, “Even I must admit that wasn’t her best performance.” Simon, in contrast, was rather judgmental on the ex-contestant, “I used to think people at least knew how to commit suicide decently.”

New York, NY, November 12th, 2008, (Reuters).- Even after the election ended with a certain victory of

Linsay Lohan with girlfriend Samantha Ronson, who wishes Lindsay kept her mouth shut in front of the cameras for once.

 Democratic Barack Obama, people with little or no life continue the election fever, supporting either president-elect Obama, or Governor Sarah Palin.

Lindsay Lohan continues to make declarations about her support for Barack Obamahim, much to the dismay of the president-elect, who would rather not be associated with her. “It’s worse than being linked with Ayers,” said the president-elect according to a source close to him who asked to remain anonymous (Michelle told us).

In her latest gaffe, Lindsay Lohan spoke in an interview with Maria Menounos in “Access Hollywood,” about her experience during Election Day. “It was really exiting, all the boys and the booze and the girls. It was an amazing feeling. It’s our first colored president.”

In other news, Sarah Palin was offered 2 million dollars for starring on a porn movie. Porn film director Cezar Capone included an extra $100,000 dollars and a brand new snowmobile if Todd is willing to co-start the picture.

Palin declined the offer, “Thanks but no thanks. It’s unethical, immoral, opportunistic, indecent and against all the values and things I believe in. Besides, I save more than that in the lawyer and the trips that the state of Alaska pays for me and my family.”

Castel Volturno, Italy, November 10th, 2008, (Reuters).- Mama Africa, also known as Miram Makeba

She disliked pictures that showed only black and white, preferring those where all colors were shown at once.

died shortly of a heart attack, after singing her famous song Pata Pata in a concert in Italy.

She was banished from South Africa in the 60’s for speaking against the apartheid system in South Africa, and lived and performed in Europe, the USA, Latin America and some African countries, specially Guinea, before being allowed to return 30 years later, when Mandela came to power and the racist white regime crumbled.

We repost one of her rare interviews that she gave in 1970.

Q: Why did you visit Guinea’s president Ahmed Sekou Toure in Conakry?
A: African convention.

Q: What will you do now that you’ve been banished from South Africa?
A: I shall sing.

Q: What does your success in the US mean?
A: Goodbye poverty.

Q: What is your opinion of Hendrik Frensch Verwoerd?
A: Chicken.

Q: What do you think should be done about apartheid?
A: Quit it.

Q: Do you think black Africans can make such a change?
A: We got to make it.

To read this article in Italian, go here. Per leggere questo articolo in italiano, vai qui:

http://noccioline.altervista.org/index.php?subaction=showcomments&id=1208278663

(Translation courtesy of Fede)

Peanuts, USA, November 3rd, 2008, (Reuters).- Just one day before the election, more fictional

Linus van Pelt declaring his support for the Democratic candidate. "Obama is the security blanket of America," he said.

characters showed their support for their candidates. This time, it was the peanuts gang that declared their political preferences.

Famous philosopher and founder of the Great Pumpkin Church, Linus Van Pelt spoke about his support for Democratic Candidate Barack Obama, “In this time of crisis and uncertanty, we all need something to hold on, to feel steady, to give us security. Obama is America’s security Blanket.”

On contrast, his sister and female heavyweight boxing  champion and author of several self-help books, such as the best seller “Life’s a kick, that’ll be 5 cents please”, Lucy Van Pelt, declared that she supported Sarah Palin, “It’s time that we had a woman up there with values and character and willing to show men what we’re capable of. “

Finally, Charlie Brown who works as a barber’s assistant in the barbershop that his father used to own hasn’t taken a position yet, “Aaaaaaaaaaargh, I just can’t stand it, it’s too much pressure. I mean, I would like to be informed and vote, but somehow I never know what’s going on, Good grief!”

Liverpool, UK, October 30th, (Reuters).- The Beatles’ music will be featured in the next version of the

The band had originally signed with RedOctane to produce a Guitar Hero game, but the guitars wouldn't stop weeping gently.

higly popular music video game Rock Band, produced by MTV Games and Harmonix. The game is expected to be released early next year.

Its original title was going to be “Rock Band: More famous than Jesus,” then it was changed to “Rock Band: British Invasion,” and then to “Rock Band: Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Band Club.” However, since it was still considered too politically incorrect for the American market, they decided to settle for “Rock Band: The Beatles.”

Surviving Beatles members, Paul McCartney and Ringo Star commented on the videogame.

They claimed that there’s a huge market fo the game: thousands and thousands of nerds without a girlfriend, “All the lonely people, where do they come from?” they explained.

Regarding the royalties they would get, Paul McCartney said “I really don’t care too much for money, for money can’t buy me love. But I’m willing to share what we get with Ringo.” To which Ringo complained, “you never give me your money.”

They also explained that they never thought producing a videogame would be so much work. “You know, it’s been a hard day’s night and we’ve been working like a dog. And recordings are held eight days a week, but it’ll be worth it because players will be able to play Rock’n'Roll music any old way they choose it,” Ringo Starr said.

The game can already be pre-ordered through internet at a launch price of £4,500. The price is expected to go down in the future. So far, only a lad from Attica called Chapman has pre-ordered it. He said he wants to play it when he gets home, that is approximately, when he’s 64.

Moscow, Russia, October 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- USSR icon and idol of thousands of Russian women,

Until the very end, he denied any similarity with Frank Sinatra. "I'd rather be compared with James Bond," he once said.

Muslim Magomayev, died in his flat.

He was buried in his birthtown, Baku, in former soviet republic Azerbaijan. It’s still unknown if this is because he wanted it that way or because the corpse of Ekaterina Fursteva denied the permission needed to be buried in the Novodevichye Cementery.

Police are still investigating the cause of death, but thousands of empty cigarrette boxes that were found in his flat have lead to the conclusion that his lover smoked too much while she prepared him fish soup, which then might have poisoned him.

The Minister of Culture arranged a ceremony for his remains in the Tchaikovsky Concert Hall. A funeral chariot was rented to transport his black coffin, but it wasn’t necessary as thousands of women carried it and painted it red with their lipstick. Some panties were thrown as well.

Thousands of fans have staged noisy demonstrations. The noisiest ones, however, were heard along the Piterskaya and the Tverskaya-Yamskaya.

Hollywood, CA, October 24th, 2008, (Reuters).- As the race is approaching its end, famous real and

Al Bundy has retaken his trademark No MA'AM t-shirt to express his opposition to Sarah Palin.

fictional personalities have started to back Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

One of the lastest celebrities that has endorsed the candidate is the Fonz. In a recent add he speaks to Richie and tells him that voting for Bush and Chenney was “wwwrr…….”, (apparently unable to admit he’s wrong). “But now we can make it right.” Fonz explained. He also told Richie he hand misunderstood Palin’s claim that “she shoots moose” as “she was loose.”

Another TV father that certanly makes less than $250,000 a year is Al Bundy. The famous shoe salesman has decided to back Obama after finding out that he’d save $1,000 dollars in taxes. Of course, he had to buy a $1,500 computer to find that out first. “Obama! Obama!” shouted Al Bundy as he slammed his hand against a table and raised his fist as he announced his support for the Democratic candidate.

Sarah Silverman has also decided to back the candidate. “I encourage all Jewish voters to schlep over to Florida and convince your grandparents to vote for Obama. Did I say encourage? I meant I demand you.” 

Retired sheriff Andy Taylor and his son Opie Taylor also expressed support for Senator Obama. “People are funny. Change scares them, they’d rather feel good in the same thing that’s been messing them up when change is the thing they can help them,” explained Andy to his son in a new commercial. “When I’m a grown up, I’d sure like to vote for someone as good as Mr. Obama,” replied Opie, apparently oblivious to the fact that he’s over 40 now and able to vote.

Close sources to the candidate (Michelle told us) say that although he welcomes any vote, he’s not too happy to be connected with some of the celebrities that try to get as many pictures with him as possible. “I can’t tell any names, but… oh, what gives, it’s Homer Simpson and Lindsay Lohan.”

So far, only Abe Simpson, Ned Flanders and Mr. Burns have been the only fictional characters to endorse the Palin-McCain ticket.