The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

Blackwater's spokeswoman also mentioned the company will continue with its policy of shooting at anyone or anything that is expressed or written in a terrorist language, that is, anything other than English.

Baghdad, Iraq, January 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- The government of Iraq sent a memo today to the American embassy asking them to please, please, stop using Blackwater Worldwide as security for their diplomats.

The memo, signed by Iraq’s interior ministry spokesman, Abdul-Karim Khalaf, said “Due to the excessive use of force, improper conduct and specially, the continuous killings of civilians, including children, the Honorable Ministry of the Interior of Iraq, backed by the power invested in it by the people and president of Iraq, hereby order the American authorities to please, please, please, read this memo and if possible, to restrain your goons, just a tiny winy bit.”

The move is the latest response to the controversy resulting after Blackwater mercenaries killed 17 civilians at Nissor square, who asked them if they could please stop destroying their market stands.

The Blackwater mercenaries declared themselves non guilty. “We were just doing our job, clearing the path for the ambassador’s secretary’s officeboy who had gone to get a pizza for his boss. We immediately identified the terrorists’ true nature as they spoke in Arabic and had stands with signs written in some terrorist language,” declared one of them, who asked us to keep his name confidential or he would fill our bodies with lead.

State Department’s spokesman Robert with A Wood declared “We haven’t made a decision yet, but we’re already processing the Iraqi request under our perpetual ignorance file cabinet.”

Blackwater spokesgoon Anne Tyrrell defended the company’s mercenaries. “Our employees did the right thing. They were ambushed by terrorists who shot them from a girls’ school, an ambulance, and a fruit stand, all of which had letters written in a terrorist language, so they clearly had to return fire and a few grenades as well.”

When asked if he was afraid of another costly divorce with his new fiancée, the ex-beatle said "We can work it out."

New York, NY, January 28, 2009, (Reuters).- Ex-beatle Paul McCarntey appeared on “the Colbert Report,” answering questions to Stephen Colbert about his love life (McCartney’s, not Colbert’s).

Question: How did you get over the death of Linda, your first wife?

Answer: Obladi, oblada, life goes on.

Q: How did your second wife, Heather Mills, declared her love for you?

A: Baby, you’re a rich man.

Q: What did you tell her when she asked so much money for the divorce?

A: You never give me your money.

Q: What did you tell your lawyer about it?

A: Help!

Q: What did he tell you?

A: You’re going to lose that girl.

Q: Where is she now?

A: Back in the U.S.S.R.

Q: How did you feel after losing so much money in the divorce?

A: The fool on the hill.

Q: Do you regret that marriage?

A: I should have known better.

Q: Is there a lesson to that experience?

A: Can’t buy me love.

Q: How did you meet your current girlfriend, socialite Nancy Shevell?

A: She came in through the bathroom window.

Q: How did you find her?

A: I saw her standing there.

Q: How did you declare your love to her?

A: Love, love me do.

Q: Why do you want to marry her?

A: I’ve got a feeling and I love her.

Q: Where does your fiancée like to have sex?

A: Here, there and everywhere.

Q: Really? and how often does she want it?

A: Eight days a week.

Q: How do you manage to have sex at your age?

A: With a little help from my friends.

Q: How was sex with Linda?

A: Twist and shout.

Q: How was it with Heather?

A: Honey, don’t.

Q: And with Nancy?

A: A hard day’s night.

Q: Do you still take drugs?

A: Everybody’s got something to hide.

Q: What do you do when you have to appear in public after taking drugs?

A: Act naturally.

Q: Do past acquaintances or even total strangers ever try to claim they’re your offspring in order to rip you off your money?

A: Everybody’s trying to be my baby.

Q: Finally, is there something you’d like to say to your fans?

A: Happiness is a warm gun.

The Gaza infrastructure is in ruins, with basic public services in poor conditions or non-existent. And this was before the Israeli planes arrived.

Gaza City, Gaza Strip, January 10th, 2009, (Reuters).- Israel sent to the Gaza Strip today airplanes that dropped both bombs and leaflets that warn terrorists that planes will be sent to drop bombs and leaflets.

The leaflets had messages such as “The Israeli Defense Forces will Attack your terror houses, schools, and mosques. The Israel Defense Forces are not against you, desipite killing you and treating you like secluded dogs. Stay safe by not being near a likely target, for example, any building that is still standing.”

Unfortunately, most of the terrorists weren’t able to receive the message. This was due to two causes. When the bombs were dropped before the leaflets, there weren’t any survivors left to read them. When the leaflets were dropped before the bombs, the leaflets were destroyed by the bombs.

There was one unconfirmed report of a terrorist eldery woman who actually survived to pick up one of the leaflets. However, she was still unable to know what it said, as it was written in Hebrew and she didn’t know how to read anyway.

Regarding the UN call for a cease-fire, Hamas complained that they weren’t consulted, but the UN ignored them as they don’t officially exist. Israel ignored the UN call and  denied any civilian casualities, despite the fact that Gaza has no army. Moreover, Tel-Aviv warned the UN not to send any more trucks with humanitary aid to the Gaza region or they will be bombed again on the ground of being used to deliver food and supplies to terrorist families and children.

Some sources in the Israeli government who talked on condition of anonimity clam that Israel is preparing a third phase that consists of a pre-emptive attack, that will be followed by a fourth one that will seek to liberate Gaza.

So far, the recent bombings have killed 800 terrorists, 400 of them were potential terrorists (children) and 200 of them were terrorist creators (women).

President Bush as he dodges the shoe terror attack that prompted the banning of shoes in American flights.

Washington, D.C., December 16th, 2008, (Reuters).- As of today, passengers flying within, to, and out of the United States will not be allowed to wear shoes on their persons, nor to carry them in their luggage.

This is the latest item banning that has been implemented in order to avoid terrorists attacks. Previously terror weapons that had been banned are water bottles, face creams, nail clippers, and any reading material that is printed in Arabic (or a language that might seem Arabic to the flight attentants).

White House spokeslad Tony Frappuchino explained the measurement, “After the recent shoe terror attack on the president, we just can’t afford to have potential terrorists climb in our airplanes with those weapons on their feet. We have decided to act now, rather to wait until an American life is taken by a shoe to do something.

President George Bush commented on the shoe attack incident, “I’m not insulted. I don’t hold it against the government. We won’t even invade the country of the shoe thrower. Besides, Cheney told me that we already have.”

Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki commented on the incident as well, “It is not a behavior that reflects the feeling of all the Iraqis, only the ones that weren’t appointed to a government position by the Americans.”

The artist also declared he's tired of all the Michael-Jackson-picks-his-nose jokes. "Oh, just beat it, will ya?" he said.

London, UK, November 17th, 2008, (Reuters).- Pop star, Michael Jackson is being sued again, this time by an Arab Sheikh prince from the totally unheard kingdom of Bahrain.

The Sheikh prince, whose short name is Abdulla Bin Hamad Al Khalifa Mohammed Hussein Barack, claims he gave Michael Jackson 7 million American dollars, 2 white limousines, 3 golden watches with “Jackson” engraved in them and 543 virgins from his personal harem, in exchange of 25 minutes of quality time and a couple of rounds of Rock Band, which Michael Jackson never delivered.

“The word is out, he’s doing wrong, we’re going to lock him up, before too long,” said the Shiekh’s lawyer, describing Michael Jackson’s end of the bargain as bad.

Michael Jackson, who defines his race as black or white, claims he’s innocent, and he thought the money he received from the Sheikh was just small change to pay for petty expenses, like paving his Never-Ever-Again ranch with golden bricks.

“He clearly doesn’t remember the time when he said it was a gift,” said Michael Jackson to the press. “And now he says I’m the one who will dance on the floor in a round.”

The King of Pop also claimed he’s always the target of opportunistic people who try to take advantage of him in order to get money. “People always told me, be careful who you love, be careful what you do, ’cause the lie becomes the truth,” lamented the singer.

Castel Volturno, Italy, November 10th, 2008, (Reuters).- Mama Africa, also known as Miram Makeba

She disliked pictures that showed only black and white, preferring those where all colors were shown at once.

died shortly of a heart attack, after singing her famous song Pata Pata in a concert in Italy.

She was banished from South Africa in the 60’s for speaking against the apartheid system in South Africa, and lived and performed in Europe, the USA, Latin America and some African countries, specially Guinea, before being allowed to return 30 years later, when Mandela came to power and the racist white regime crumbled.

We repost one of her rare interviews that she gave in 1970.

Q: Why did you visit Guinea’s president Ahmed Sekou Toure in Conakry?
A: African convention.

Q: What will you do now that you’ve been banished from South Africa?
A: I shall sing.

Q: What does your success in the US mean?
A: Goodbye poverty.

Q: What is your opinion of Hendrik Frensch Verwoerd?
A: Chicken.

Q: What do you think should be done about apartheid?
A: Quit it.

Q: Do you think black Africans can make such a change?
A: We got to make it.

Moscow, Russia, October 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- USSR icon and idol of thousands of Russian women,

Until the very end, he denied any similarity with Frank Sinatra. "I'd rather be compared with James Bond," he once said.

Muslim Magomayev, died in his flat.

He was buried in his birthtown, Baku, in former soviet republic Azerbaijan. It’s still unknown if this is because he wanted it that way or because the corpse of Ekaterina Fursteva denied the permission needed to be buried in the Novodevichye Cementery.

Police are still investigating the cause of death, but thousands of empty cigarrette boxes that were found in his flat have lead to the conclusion that his lover smoked too much while she prepared him fish soup, which then might have poisoned him.

The Minister of Culture arranged a ceremony for his remains in the Tchaikovsky Concert Hall. A funeral chariot was rented to transport his black coffin, but it wasn’t necessary as thousands of women carried it and painted it red with their lipstick. Some panties were thrown as well.

Thousands of fans have staged noisy demonstrations. The noisiest ones, however, were heard along the Piterskaya and the Tverskaya-Yamskaya.

Paris, France, October 23rd, 2008, (Reuters).- French president Nicolas Sarkozy almost sued a company that

The Sarkozy voodoo doll. The ad says "Offers 12 different ways to surrender. Baggette not included."

sells voodoo dolls in his image along with pins to stick in them and a satirical biography, court officials said.

The same company also sells a similar kit with a doll resembling his model wife, Carla Bruni, which, not suprisingly, has had more success than Sarkozy’s.

The pins that are sold along with Sarkozy’s doll make it do several actions, like drop a gun or raise both hands in the air really fast. The doll has several built in voice messages. All of them say “I surrender” in over 10 languages.

Sarkozy’s lawyer, arguing that the president had the exclusive right to his image, had earlier called on the makers to withdraw the dolls from sale, but the company refused to do so.

Sarkozy’s legal team gave up when the company hired a German lawyer. A spokesfrench told the press “Oh, merde.”

Washington, D.C., October 7th, 2008, (Reuters).- A federal judge ordered the Bush administration to

Two Uighurs still in prision. It's unknown whether in China or Guantanamo

immediately free 17 Chinese Muslims from Guantanamo Bay into the United States, rebuking the government in a landmark decision that could set the stage for the release of dozens other prisoners in Cuba.

U.S. District Judge Ricardo M. Urbina said it would be wrong for the government to continue holding the detainees, known as Uighurs, since they are no longer considered enemy combatants, and who have been jailed for seven years without a trial, despite calls from government lawyers who claim they would be jailed without a trial if sent back to China.

“Because the Constitution prohibits indefinite detentions without cause, the continued detention is unlawful,” Urbina said in a ruling that brought cheers and applause from Uighurs and human rights activists. He also ordered a hearing for next week to decide where the Uighurs should be permanently settled. Until then, they will work in sweatshops in D.C.’s Chinatown.

Justice Department attorney John C. O’Quinn’s request to delay the decision pending a possible appeal was denied by Urbina, who said the detainees had waited long enough. “One would think that if they’ve spent 7 years in jail without cause, surely they can wait there for a few weeks more,” said O’Quinn.

The Uighurs, who are Turkic-speaking Muslims in western China, have been cleared for release from Guantanamo since 2004 and ordinarily they would be sent home. But they haven’t been sent back to China because they are considered terrorists there and could be tortured. “Under those circumstances, we’d rather have them considered terrorists at Guantanamo and have them tortured there,” said O’Quinn.

Milan, Italy, September 26th, 2008, (Reuters).- Famous Kazakhstani reporter

Borat in Milan's fashion week. His dress was voted "the most fashionable outfit of the week" by the event organizers.

Borat, best known for his documentary on American life, was featured on the catwalk at Agatha Ruiz de la Prada’s show in Milan on Friday, bringing up the value of the playful show.

Borat is in Milan aiding his friend Bruno, a flamboyant Austrian fashionista make a new film.

He bowled onto the start of the catwalk rolled up in what turned out to be a long, black caped outfit with eccentric accessories. No one from the audience was able to tell that it wasn’t part of the show.

Models had kept their cool but the designer was visibly upset when she appeared at the end of the show because people wanted to buy Borat’s outfit rather than hers.

The designer said Borat’s dress was inspired by Spanish painter Diego Velazquez’s paintings.