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Illegal immigrants invited to turn themselves in.

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Jose, Pancho and Juan take a nap at the cold ICE building while waiting for their self-deportation to be approved.

Jose, Pancho and Juan take a nap at the cold ICE building while waiting for their self-deportation to be approved.

Santa Ana, CA, August 5th, 2008, (Reuters). – Wanted: Illegal immigrants with clean records who have ignored court orders to leave the country. Immigration officials are standing by to help you leave the country. No jail. No joke. Really, it’s not a joke. No, c’mon, seriously.

 

 

 

 

The invitation surprisingly drew hardly any takers Tuesday on the first day of a new federal self-deportation program that offered illegal immigrants the chance to turn themselves in, get their affairs in order and leave the country without being detained.

 

The tepid response only reinforced laughs from both sides of the immigration debate.

 

“¡Ay, caramba!, yoo woold have to bee crazee. Whoo woold want to toorn themselves een?” said Angel Martinez, a construction worker who also takes the garbage from the office, as he cleaned laughter tears from his eyes and cheeks.

 

“Nobodee wants to go back,” said Martinez, who came to the U.S. illegally 15 years ago from Mexico City as he prepared chile con carne in the kitchen. “Wee reesked evereetheeng to get heere for a reeson.”

 

The self-deportation program from the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement is part of the agency’s new Scheduled Departure Program. It could be expanded if successful.

 

The expansions that are being considered include:

 

a) Self-beating program. Illegal immigrants would be able to select the form and instrument of beating, from a government approved catalog.

 

b) Self-incarceration  program. Illegal immigrants would be able to handcuff and shove themselves in the patrol car, and in some cases, select cellmates. This program is specially aimed at whole illegal families so they wouldn’t have to be separated.

 

c) Self-discrimination program. Illegal immigrants would be able to choose what public services they wouldn’t have access to, like health care, education or cantina access.

 

 

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