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Archive for the ‘News 2008’ Category

NY taxes drinks, music, dancing, and sex. People start to move to Connecticut.

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Governor Paterson refuses to hug his son, as hugs are now taxed under the new No Fun Tax Plan.

Governor Paterson refuses to hug his son, as hugs are now taxed under the new No Fun Tax Plan.

Albany, NY., December 17, 2008, (Reuters).- Governor David Paterson proposed today a new 2009-2010 budget plan that increases spending by 1.1 %, which is aimed at compensating the effects of the recession.

The budget plan is based on a new tax plan that will seek to obtain the extra resources needed, and it’s called the New York No Fun Tax Plan. The tax plan will create or increase 88 taxes. New Yorkers will have to pay taxes on downloaded music, beer, sports tickets, sex and watching Letterman.

Governor David Paterson defended his New York No Fun Tax Plan. “We have to get into fiscal disciple, with the financial crisis affecting our economy. Besides, it will help reduce the likeness of another Spitzer scandal.”

The tax plan consists of three chapters:

a) The No Fun at the Bar Tax Plan.  It will tax beer, liquor, cigars, cigarettes, taxi rides, and dating.

b) The No Fun Going Out with the Family Tax Plan. It will tax sodas, sports tickets, movie tickets,  spa visits, gas, ipods, video game consoles, and love.

b) The No fun at Home Tax Plan. It will tax downloaded music, internet services, cable TV, satellite TV, watching Letterman (watching Oprah will only be affordable by the rich), and feeling at home.

The news of the new tax plan has caused everyone who is not an accountant to move to Connecticut.

Shoes banned from flights within, to and out of the United States.

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President Bush as he dodges the shoe terror attack that prompted the banning of shoes in American flights.

President Bush as he dodges the shoe terror attack that prompted the banning of shoes in American flights.

Washington, D.C., December 16th, 2008, (Reuters).- As of today, passengers flying within, to, and out of the United States will not be allowed to wear shoes on their persons, nor to carry them in their luggage.

This is the latest item banning that has been implemented in order to avoid terrorists attacks. Previously terror weapons that had been banned are water bottles, face creams, nail clippers, and any reading material that is printed in Arabic (or a language that might seem Arabic to the flight attentants).

White House spokeslad Tony Frappuchino explained the measurement, “After the recent shoe terror attack on the president, we just can’t afford to have potential terrorists climb in our airplanes with those weapons on their feet. We have decided to act now, rather to wait until an American life is taken by a shoe to do something.

President George Bush commented on the shoe attack incident, “I’m not insulted. I don’t hold it against the government. We won’t even invade the country of the shoe thrower. Besides, Cheney told me that we already have.”

Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki commented on the incident as well, “It is not a behavior that reflects the feeling of all the Iraqis, only the ones that weren’t appointed to a government position by the Americans.”

The NBER announces that the US is officially in a recession. “In case somebody hasn’t noticed.”

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John Smith, from Los Pobres, California, said he had no idea the US was in a recession. "I'm glad somebody informed me, I would never have known otherwise."

John Smith, from Los Pobres, California, said he had no idea the US was in a recession. "I'm glad somebody informed me, I would never have known otherwise."

Cambridge, MA, December 2nd, 2008, (Reuters).- The National Bureau of Economic Research declared today that the US is in a recession and has been in it since December 2007.

NBER’s president Harry Potterba explained to the press: “We got all of our researchers, scholars, academic and economists together to discuss the possibility of a recession. After many hours of debates, we concluded that the US was indeed in a recession when all of us couldn’t get enough money to pay for the pizza when it arrived.”

“Then we tracked the recession back and decided that it started in December 2007, because none of us were able to buy any presents for our children back then, but we nevertheless had turkey for Thanksgiving that year,” Potterba explained.

He also declared that he was glad the word was out, “I want people to know that they might have a bit of problems in getting a job, keeping the one they have or getting enough money to pay for food and rent. I would hate if this situation caught anyone by surprise.”

White House spokeslad Tony Frapucchino commented that the White House didn’t agree with the term “recession.” “I think there might be a slow economic turndown, or a deceleration of the economy, or an economic slowdown, or just a loss of hundreds of thousands of jobs, but not necessarily a recession,” explained Tony.

“It’s not important who or what or when caused it, as it clearly is nobody’s fault. What’s important is what is being done about it. And the most important thing we can do right now is bail out all the institutions where Cheney is a board member, in order to restore confidence… to Dick Cheney,” said the White House spokeslad.

Bush admits intelligence on Iraq was dumb. “Oops, sorry about that:” Bush.

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He said he was sorry he didn't get a bit more time to win the war in Iraq. "I was this close," showed the president.

Bush said he was sorry he didn't get a bit more time to win the war in Iraq. "I was this close," showed the president.

Washington, D.C., December 1st, 2008, (Reuters).- In an interview for ABC-DEF, co-president George W. Bush spoke about several issues from his soon-to-end administration, the war in Iraq being the most prominent one.

Asked what he was most unprepared for when he took office in January 2001, Bush replied, “gee, that’s a tough one, so many things. Well, I think I would select being unprepared for war. In other words, I didn’t campaign and say ‘vote for me, I’ll be able to handle an attack,’ and it was clear to me that I couldn’t. Even other people have started to notice.”

Asked what his greatest accomplishment was, the president replied, “that’s very easy. I defended America and kept it safe against attacks from ideological thugs.”

He also acknowledged that the intelligence in Iraq was not accurate, although he refused to say whether he had launched the invasion on Iraq had he known Saddam Hussein didn’t really have weapons of mass destruction. “I guess I wish the intelligence in Iraq had been intelligent. Nevertheless, I’m glad Saddam Hussein was caught and persecuted because he clearly had no disregard for human life.”

He also spoke about his opposition to a formal timeline for withdrawing from Iraq. “I don’t believe in sending people’s sons to lose their lives in vain, so I wanted to send some more to make it worth it.”

Michael Jackson sued by Arab Sheikh.

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The artist also said he's tired of all the Michael-Jackson-picking-his-nose jokes.

The artist also declared he's tired of all the Michael-Jackson-picks-his-nose jokes. "Oh, just beat it, will ya?" he said.

London, UK, November 17th, 2008, (Reuters).- Pop star, Michael Jackson is being sued again, this time by an Arab Sheikh prince from the totally unheard kingdom of Bahrain.

The Sheikh prince, whose short name is Abdulla Bin Hamad Al Khalifa Mohammed Hussein Barack, claims he gave Michael Jackson 7 million American dollars, 2 white limousines, 3 golden watches with “Jackson” engraved in them and 543 virgins from his personal harem, in exchange of 25 minutes of quality time and a couple of rounds of Rock Band, which Michael Jackson never delivered.

“The word is out, he’s doing wrong, we’re going to lock him up, before too long,” said the Shiekh’s lawyer, describing Michael Jackson’s end of the bargain as bad.

Michael Jackson, who defines his race as black or white, claims he’s innocent, and he thought the money he received from the Sheikh was just small change to pay for petty expenses, like paving his Never-Ever-Again ranch with golden bricks.

“He clearly doesn’t remember the time when he said it was a gift,” said Michael Jackson to the press. “And now he says I’m the one who will dance on the floor in a round.”

The King of Pop also claimed he’s always the target of opportunistic people who try to take advantage of him in order to get money. “People always told me, be careful who you love, be careful what you do, ’cause the lie becomes the truth,” lamented the singer.

Paula Abdul fan was found dead near Paula Abdul’s house. “This proves Paula is more damaging than I am”: Simon.

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Los Angeles, CA, November 14th, 2008, (Reuters).- A fan of Paula Abdul was found dead in a car just

The incident promted a new format for the program that will try to avoid more suicides.

The incident prompted a new format for the program that will try to avoid more suicides.

3 feet away from the judge’s house.

Ed Winterwonderland, from the Los Angeles County Department of Coroner explained the incident to the press, “We found the body in a car and we still don’t know the cause of death, although the 4 empty jars of valium might suspect an overdose. By the way, have I told you that I can sing a terrific version of Britney Spear’s ‘Toxic’?”

Paula Goodspeed had appeared in season 275 of American Idol, where she sang her own classical-retro-rap British version of “Proud Mary”, to which Simon commented, “that was shameful, Jesus!”. Paula, on the other hand, had said “you’re unique,” and she never clarified if she meant it as a compliment or an insult.

Regarding the tragic incident, American Idol producer Simon Fuller commented, “We are indeed sad about this tragedy, but we remain hopeful that the event will actually increase our ratings.”

Paula Abdul said she was saddened by the incident, “Even I must admit that wasn’t her best performance.” Simon, in contrast, was rather judgmental on the ex-contestant, “I used to think people at least knew how to commit suicide decently.”

Hillary Clinton tries to be selected Obama’s Secretary of State. “She should continue to work in politics, otherwise she’d come home”: Bill.

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Hillary is already grooming Chelsea for a future political carreer. "I'll get a Clinton woman on the White House office even if that's the last thing I do," said Hillary, forgetting that Bill had done that plenty of times before.

Hillary is already grooming Chelsea for a future political carreer. "I'll get a woman into the White House, even if it's the last thing I do," said Hillary, forgetting that Bill had done it many times already.

Washington, D.C., November 13th, 2008, (Reuters).- Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her intention to have a place in the current administration. Since she can no longer try for the president, vice-president or first lady position, she declared she wanted to be Secretary of State.

She spoke to the press about her qualifications and credentials in several areas, “I became a very hard working person since the day I realized that, like most Washington women, sleeping with Bill Clinton didn’t earn me anything. I also want to be an example for all those young kids who don’t know what work means. They think it’s a four-letter work,” said the Senator. “I also have experience. I have been tested many times. You never know what Bill might have brought home.”

Among other things, she said she has the experience to handle the economic crisis. “As I showed in my primary campaign, I have experience solving great problems, such as the economy. I will help set the conditions so that banks can flush money into businesses. I might even get a loan to pay my campaign debt. By the way, we are going to take away things from you on behalf of the common good.”

Bill Clinton also commented on his wife: “From my own experience I can tell you that she doesn’t go down without a fight.”