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Archive for the ‘August 2008’ Category

Nobody knows how many houses the McCains have

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Washington, D.C., August 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- McCain

The McCains and pictures of some of their houses

The McCains and pictures of some of their houses

singlehandledly created the biggest housing crisis the US has ever known, by not knowing how many houses he and his over 5 million dollars multimillionare wife have.

Neither does anyone in the US.

The McCain camp says at least 4. The Obama camp says 7. The Associated Press says at least 8.

John McCain says “I’ll have my staff get to you.  No, wait, I know this one, let me see…It’s condominiums where… I’ll have them get to you.”

Democratic hopeful Obama, who recently arrived from his vacation in a private beach in Hawaii, commented on McCain’s answer. “A guy who thinks being rich is making $5 million dollars a year and not knowing how many houses he has is clearly out out touch with the working class,” declared the candidate from his $1.6 million dollar house.

Part of the problem is that some of the McCains’ properties house smaller houses, so it’s not clear whether they should count as one or as individual houses.

The controversy started last week, when McCain declared that being rich in the US meant making 5 million dollars a year, hiring more than than 100 servants and not having to use public yatch and golf clubs.

According to his tax returns, Obama and his wife Michelle earned only $4.2 million in 2007 so they will be applying for food stamps this year. McCain earned only half a million, but his wife’s income of $6 million from last year plus her $100 million wealth saved him from poverty and welfare.

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Missile system in Poland aimed at Russia not a threat to Russia: Rice

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Warsaw, Poland, August 20th, 2008, (Reuters).- The US and Poland

Secretary of State Rice giving the news to president Bush in her usual maternal way.

Secretary of State Rice giving the news to president Bush in her usual maternal way.

signed a deal to place a US missile system just 115 miles from Russia, which US secretary of State claims does not represent a military threat to Russia.

“Just because it’s next to Russia, and it’s been agreed just after the Russian invasion to Georgia, and it’s right in the Russian sphere of influence, doesn’t mean it represents a threat to Russia. It is in our defense that we do this,” commented Rice.

When asked about further clarification, she replied “why, it’s obvious that if we put a missile system next to Russia, it’s because we’re preparing a defense from an attack from Iran, not Russia.”

With respect to the Russian comments about a possible pre-emptive attack on Poland for accepting the facility, Rice developed, “such comments border on the bizarre, frankly. The Russians are losing their credibility. This is not 1988, it’s 2008. In this age, you just can’t do pre-emptive attacks on countries in order to destroy a weapon system that is not there on the excuse of self-defence without international sanction.”

Poland, like Georgia, has contributed 2,300 soldiers to the Iraq war and 1,600 to Afghanistan. Polish Prime Minister Donald Duck hopes to have a better protection than the former soviet republic. “After what happened to Georgia, we don’t want to fight the Russians with half of our army somewhere else,” he commented.

Former ally, then enemy, then ally, then enemy Pervez Musharraf resigns

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Islamabad, Pakistan, August 19th, 2008, (Reuters).- US former ally-enemy-

President Bush from the US with President Musharraf from Pakistan at a reunion in Islamabad. Bush had forgotten if he had to grant aid or impose penalties to the country.

President Bush from the US with President Musharraf from Pakistan at a reunion in Islamabad. Bush had forgotten if he had to grant aid or impose penalties to the country.

ally-enemy, Pakistan’s president Pervez Musharraf left his office before an impeachment process that had been promoted by the opposition.

The impeachment tries to show that Musharraf is guilty of abuse of power, restrictions of liberties and corruption. It specially tries to connect Musharraf with deviations of government funds that were supposed to be used for the purchase of 120 Chinese tanks.

“The manuals were in Chinese, so I couldn’t have known that they were septic tanks. Nevertheless, we are going to train our soldiers and use them to invade India and recuperate Kashmir,” explained Musharraf back then.

When asked why he gave in to the opposition’s claims of corruption, instead of calling for another emergency state, like he usually does, he replied “this time, they put enough zeros on a check, and amnesty to top it off.”

Musharraf’s Pakistan used to be an ally of the US due to its enemity with the USSR, then it became an enemy after they had conflicts with India and developed nuclear capabilities. Then it became and ally again when it supported the war on terror. Then later it became an enemy again when it wasn’t able or willing to stop the Taliban in the Afghanistan’s border with Pakistan. 

One of the biggest US complains about Musharraf is his supposed support and funding of the Taliban. One recently declassified White House call recording questions Musharraf’s alliences. It’s a recording from a call from Musharraf to Bush in the morning of September 11, 2001.

Musharraf: Mr. Bush, I would like to express my deepest sympathies to you and your country. It’s a real tragedy. So many people, so many magnificent buildings.

Bush: What buildings? What people?

Musharraf: Oh, what time is it now in the US?

Bush: Eight o’clock in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops, sorry. I’ll call you back in an hour.

Written by Flippyman

August 20, 2008 at 8:45 am

43 dead in Mexico as drug cartels start salmonella attacks.

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Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, August 18th, 2008, (Notimex).- Mexican drug

Mexican terrorist who has been codenamed, Pique Bin Laden, supposedly resposible for the salmonella outbreak

Mexican terrorist who has been codenamed, Pique Bin Laden, supposedly resposible for the salmonella outbreak

cartels are changing their tactics. Direct assaults with AK-47s are being replaced with subtler salmonella attacks in normal-looking food.

In what has became a new increase of deaths, but not bloodshed, Mexican Sinaloa and Juarez cartels are resorting to food poisoning to send deadly messages to one another in innocent looking tacos.

Last night, 43 different people died of a salmonella attack in different northen Mexican cities, 23 from a taco attack in Ciudad Juarez, 19 from a burrito attack in Monterrey and 1 gringo at El Paso, who couldn’t stand the heat and died from diahrrea.

Violence has increased in Mexico since president Calderon took office and launched a military crackdown on drug cartels.

In  the USA, both the CIA and the FDA are on their toes for any kind of attack against American citizens. “We first suspected the tomatoes because they were red, but it wasn’t until recently that we found the attacks coming from chili,” said El Doctor David Acheson, FDA’s food safety chief.

Britney Spears: Happy being a mom and a slut

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Britney Spears at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas. She forgot to wear pants and a shirt, but at least she remembered to wear underwear.

Britney Spears at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas. She forgot to wear pants and a shirt, but at least she remembered to wear underwear.

New York, NY, August 13th, 2008, (Reuters).- Britney Spears told PRETTY GOOD! magazine about her life, her relationships, her sons, and her family.

Q: Do you still have one night stands while being drunk?

A: Sometimes.

Q: What do you like to drink liquor with?

A: Soda pop.

Q: What kind of music do you like?

A: I love rock’n’roll.

Q: Do you have a hobby?

A: Boys.

Q: What does sex mean in your life?

A: Bombastic love.

Q: What is your favorite book?

A: Cinderella.

Q: How do the paparazzi make you feel?

A: Intimidated.

Q: How would you describe your first husband?

A: Lucky.

Q. How would you describe your second husband?

A: Crazy.

Q: How does your second husband compare with the first?

A: Stronger.

Q: Why do you keep going from man to man?

A: I can’t get no satisfaction.

Q: What did your son’s father say when you gave him the news of your pregnancy?

A: Don’t let me be the last to know.

Q: After your first child, were you surprised by your second pregnancy? What were your thoughts?

A: Oops, I did it again.

Q: Would you consider having a third child?

A: Baby, one more time.

Q: How much do you love your sons?

A: From the bottom of my heart.

Q: How do you take care of your children?

A: Overprotected.

Q: Do you give more priority to your music or your family?

A: My prerogative.

Q: What did your sister tell you about her unplanned pregnancy?

A: I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.

Michael Phelps breaks record by 3 hours and 45 minutes

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Michael Phelps claims he's just a normal average American. "I like sports, girls, parties and racing dolphins, just like any other American boy."

Michael Phelps claims he is an average boy. "I like pizza, movies, parties and racing against dolphins."

Beijing, China, August 12th, 2008, (Reuters).- Michael Phelps obtained his umpteenth medal today as he broke the record for the 200 meter butterfly by 3 hours, 45 minutes, 12 seconds and 48 hundredths, effectively going into negative numbers.

Phelps, who went to the movies while he waited for the rest of the competitors to finish, apologized to the audience after the ceremony, “I’m terribly sorry, my googles kept filling with water during the race and I couldn’t do my best. I know I could have gotten 30 minutes less, but in the circumstances, not too bad, I guess. Please understand, I’m just human.”

Later that day, he broke up another record, won another gold, by beating the rest of the world combined in the 800 meters relay. The US coach decided to have American teammates Ryan Lochte, Ricky Berens, and Peter Vanderkaay sit this one out and have Phelps race against all the other nations’ swimmers combined, AND giving them an advantage of 100 meters, “just to make it interesting.” Phelps had a hard time, winning the race by mere 16 minutes. After the race he tried to hire some weightlifting medal winner to carry his gold medal suitcase for him.

Phelps has won so many medals and broke so many records and became so popular that the American Olympic Commettee is considering to leave the rest of the American delegation at home and just take Phelps alone for the London Olympics in 2012. “Maybe those guys who play basketball, too,” commented the president of the commettee, “it’d be cheaper and plus we wouldn’t have any flops like the gymnastic’s team.”

He was referring to the loss of the US gymnastic team, who, with a fall from a beam, a splat on the floor and two steps out of bounds, lost the gold to the China team, settling for silver, with bronze for the Romanians. “It wasn’t fair, the  rulebook that was handed to us was in Chinese,” complained U.S. captain Alicia Sacramone.

On another Olympic news, it was revealed that the Olympic child singing star Lin Miaoke was a fake, as she was only miming and put in stage because the real singer was considered unattractive, revealed the music designer of the ceremony, Hu You Hai Ding.

Movie director Steven Spielberg, who first helped Chinese director Zhang Fei with the preparation of the opening, but later withdrew because he was not given the rights for the athletes action figures, declared “I do not think the Chinese state realizes how unethical this is. It’s completly unnecessary as we can’t tell Chinese people apart nor pronounce their names. We would never do this in the U.S. where we have actresses that portrait what the real average American woman looks like, such as Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johanson and Angelina Jolie.”

Paulson: Bush right on Wall Street `hangover’ quip

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At a fundraiser in Houston, Bush declared "Wall Street got drunk and it got a hangover. In fact the American economy is like a drunk; irresponsible, full of bravado and indulging in reckless spending.

At a fundraiser in Houston, Bush declared "Wall Street got drunk and it got a hangover. In fact the American economy is like a drunk; irresponsible, full of bravado and indulging in reckless spending.

Beijing, China, August 10th, 2008, (Reuters).- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said “absolutely there’s a lot of truth” to President Bush’s comment that Wall Street “got drunk and now it’s got a hangover,” in understanding the current economic climate.

“It’s actually very, very simple. See, in terms of Wall Street, there was too much leverage in the system and more leverage than was appropriate and more than people recognized, because the leverage came into the system in the form of highly complex, structured products, which were difficult to understand,” Paulson said. “So there was excess leverage, excess complexity. See, I told you it was very simple,” he ended.

Paulson also offered a 218-page simplification blueprint for overhauling regulation of the nation’s financial system by reducing government expenses. The plan would create three super agencies with power over the financial industry and would involve the construction of 9 goverment buildings, the purchase of 56 government cars and the hiring of 29 government officials’ bodyguards.

“We sized that program to say, `How could we do something that will be meaningful this year but not so big that it would jeopardize some of our long-term priorities and our fiscal priorities in balancing the budget?’ So again, my view would be to reduce trivial and unnecessary government expenses,” stated Paulson from Beijing, where he, president Bush and several other US government officials are on taxpayer-funded vacations, watching the games and visiting tourist destinations.

Written by Flippyman

August 11, 2008 at 5:57 am