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Archive for the ‘July 2008’ Category

McCain Camp Says Obama Is Playing ‘Race Card’

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Racine, WI, July 31st, 2008 (Reuters).- Senator John McCain’s campaign

McCain camp's commercial broadcasted two weeks ago, shown by Obama campain manager Snoop Dogg as example of McCain's campain negativism.

McCain camp's commercial broadcasted two weeks ago, shown by Obama campain manager Snoop Dogg as example of McCain's campain negativism.

accused Senator Barack Obama on Thursday of playing “the race card,” citing his earlier remarks that about Republicans trying to scare voters with Obama’s unorthodox image and ideas.

It all started last Wensday when Senator Obama defended himself on a speech in Springfield, Mo. (NO, the Simpsons were NOT there).

“Yo man, nobody really doesn’t thinks that Bush or McCain has a real answer for the challenges we bros face, so yo, what them whities mofos are going to try to do is make you scared shitless of me,” Mr. Obama said to the ‘hood as he made a V sign.  “You know, shit like he isn’t no American patriotic. He got a funny name. You know, he don’t look like all those other whities  on those dollar bucks, you know. Yo, he’s risky. That’s essentially da argument them white mofos are making, yo.”

It was in response to this comments that McCain issued the race card statement. “I’m disappointed that Senator Obama would use the grammar that he’s using, you heaaaar?” McCain told reporters in a KKK anonymus meeting in Racine, Wis. The Arizona senator took off his white hood and stated “Barack Obama has played the race card, and he played it from the bottom of the deck. It’s divisive, negative, shameful and wrong… like blacks.”

In turn, Obama campaign manager Snoop Dogg said, “We wasn’t suggesting in no way that the man was using race as an issue, bros, but that white trash McCain is using the same ol’ low-road politics that voters ain’t diggin’ to distract voters from da real issues in da campaign, yo.”

Written by Flippyman

August 1, 2008 at 7:12 am

McCain camp compares Obama to Spears, Hilton

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Democratic candidate Obama in a concert, denying any similarity between him and Britney Spears

Democratic candidate Obama in a concert, denying any similarity between him and Britney Spears

AURORA, CO, July 31st, 2008 (Reuters). – John McCain’s presidential campaign on Wednesday released a withering television ad comparing Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, suggesting the Democratic contender is little more than a vapid but widely recognized media concoction. 

McCain’s ad, titled “Celeb” and set to air in 11 battleground states, intercuts images of Obama on his trip to Europe last week with video of twenty-something pop stars Spears and Hilton, both better known for their childish off-screen antics, while the narrator goes:

(Sang to the tune of Briney Spears’ Lucky)
“This is a story about a candidate named Obama…

Early morning, he wakes up.
Knock, knock, knock on the door.
It’s time for make up, perfect smile.
It’s him they’re all waiting for.
They go…

Isn’t he lovely, this Hawaiian guy?

And they say…

CHORUS:

He’s so lucky, He’s a star,
but he lies, lies, lies about the war, thinking
if there’s nothing missing in Iraq,
then why do these calls come at night?

He’s a lost image, in a screen,
But there’s no one there to make him stop.
And Clinton’s billing, and he keeps on winning,
but tell me what happens when it stops?
They go…

Isn’t she lovely, this Hawaiian guy?
And they say…

CHORUS

He’s so lucky, He’s Obama.
But he tries, tries, tries, tries to raise your tax, thinking,
if there’s no Clinton sitting in my camp,
then why do these girls come at night?

(Spoken) Best Democrat, and the winner is…Obama!
(Spoken)I’m Ron Burgundy from Channel 4 News standing outside the arena waiting for Obama. Oh my god…here he comes!

Isn’t she lucky, this Hawaiian guy?
He is so lucky, but why does he lie?
If there’s no experience worthwhile in his life,
then why does he go to Afghanistan?”

At the end of the song, an image of the Republican candidate appears, speaking to the audience. “This ad is just the start, I’ve just begun. It’s clear that even though I can’t make you love me, I’m stronger and born to make you happy. I promise I will be there, I will keep you overprotected and deep in my heart. Whereas my rival is just plain crazy, toxic, intimidated and outrageous and leads a simple life. I tell you this from the bottom of my heart. Vote for me, that’s my only wish this year,” says the candidate in the last seconds of the commecial.

Obama’s campaign quickly responded with a commercial of its own, dismissing McCain’s complaints as “baloney” and “baseless.” Unlike McCain’s commercial, Obama’s focuses on how McCain’s campain bases itself on continuing attacks on his person. It has images of McCain and George Bush in coctkails parties while the narrator sings:

(Sung to the tune of Britney Spears’ Oops, I did it again)

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think he did it again.
He made you believe they are not such close friends.
Oh baby, it might seem like it’s not Bush,
but it doesn’t mean that it’s not serious.
‘Cause to lose all his tenses,
That is just so typically his.
Oh baby, baby.

CHORUS:

Oops!…He did it again.
He played with your tax, got lost in war games.
Oh baby, baby
Oops!…You think he’s hero.
That he’s right for the post.
He’s not that innocent.

You see my problem is this,
He spills my campain,
wishing my flaws, they truly exist.
I cry, hearing the waves,
Coz he says I’m a fool in so many ways.
But to lose all his lenses,
that is just so typically his.
Baby, oh

CHORUS:

Oops!…He did it again.
He insulted my plans, too green for the game.
Oh baby, baby.
Oops!…He thinks I’m too young,
that I’m a lame senator.
I’m not that innocent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(spoken) All aboard.
(spoken) Johny, before you go, there’s something I want you to have.
(spoken) George, it’s beautiful, but wait a minute, isn’t this…?
(spoken) Yeah, yes it is.
(spoken) But I thought that Katherine Harris had dropped it into the Florida ocean in the end.
(spoken) Well baby, I went down and got it for you.
(spoken) Oh, you shouldn’t have.

CHORUS:

Oops!…He did it again to your vote.
Got lost in Vietnam, oh baby.
Oops!…You know that he’s sent from G. Bush.
He’s not that innocent.

CHORUS:

Oops!…He did it again.
He played with the hawks, got too old for the game.
Oh baby, baby.
Oops!…You know he’s so nuts,
that he forgets what he posts.
You’re not that innocent”

When contacted for comments on both ads, Miss Hilton’s spokesdog Tinkerbell replied. “Miss Hilton has already contributed to both campains and already has someone to clean the bathroom. No further comment except that Miss Hilton thinks senator Obama is the iconic blonde of the decade.”

On a related note, both Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan were reported to have started bitching from their LA County Sheriff’s department cell and Wonderland Center rehabilitation facility room in West Hollywood respectively because they weren’t mentioned like Hilton and Spears in the commercials.

“Like, I’m a much bigger biotch than her, you know. I mean, hellooooo, what was he thinking when he chose to ignore me? I mean, everybody knows I’m more famous than Paris and shit,” commented Miss Richie.

Miss Lohan’s statements were not understandable due to her constant puking. Her nurse said she will issue a statement as soon as her hand is steady enough to type.

LA Ciudad Councilo puts city on a diet

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The pilates class at the new Los Chinos Hills gym, whom have been accused of the recent earthquake in LA

The pilates class at the new Los Chinos Hills gym, whom have been accused of causing the recent earthquake in LA

Los Angeles, CA, July 30th, 2008 (El Reutero).-The Los Angeles Ciudad Counsilo voted unanimously Tuesday to place a moratorium on new fast food restaurants in the city. The action is believed to be the first of its kind by a major city.
 
“Our communities have an extremely shortage of attractive people. We believe that putting the fatties on diet will improve the image of our city.” Said Counsiloman Bernardo Si Parque, who will be in charge of promoting, advertising, communicating and in general, handling all the PR of the project.
 
The year long moratorium still has to be signed into law by El Mayor of the City Don Antonio Villaraigosa. His officed replied that he hadn’t done so because he was away in a urgent and sudden 4 day vacation with the secretary of a famous natural food restaurant owner, called Invita La Salida (the secretary, not the owner). When pressed with questions from the reporters about whether this represented any conflict of interests, Mr. Villaraigosa’s spokessomething took its chewing gum out of its mouth, stuck it to its purple hair and replied: “There is like, nothing not cool with the situation of, you know, matters of the heart and stuff.”

Meanwhile, Hollywood producers who spoke in condition of anonimity, revealed to the press that a movie about the moratorium was in progress, with Jennifer Lopez starring as a waitress who works is a fictional La Polla Frita restaurant branch. The plot revolves about her economic woes as she loses her tips only income and thus is forced to walk accross the street to her workplace and to her neighbors house because she can’t afford the gas for her two cars and her third cellphone bill.

Rumors spread by several local gantstas point out that the real reason behind the ban is to avoid a repetition of the the earthquake that had just stroke Southern California and which, according to local sources, was caused by the first pilates class for overweight only in a new shopping center built in Los Chinos Hills.

“I was, like, just chilling out at Starbucks El Centro Comercial, you knows, just watching at the gray sky and stuff with my grande latte choco moko Ethiopian, when then, whoa, dude, the floor started, like, moving around and stuff. It was so rad, so cool, like in the movies and shit.” Commented 19 year old, Mike Pasado, a local from the Los Chinos Hills to the TV, shortly after the earthquake.

When asked for comments, El Governador Arnoldo Schwarzeneggero said, “Hasta La Vista, Baby.” It is unknown if he was referring to the moratorium, the earthquake or some town, county or street called La Vista.

China olympics give new breath to ancient culture

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China's athletics team finishing their Nike quota so that they can participate in the games.

China's athletics team finishing their Nike quota so that they can participate in the games.

Beijing, China, July 29th, 2008 (Reuters).- Olympics are bringing not only athletes, events, tourists and foreign currencies to the old Chinese capital, but also a reinassence of the  culture and arquitecture that is such a distigished icon of the sino heritage.Following a beautification program approved by the only party in power, called “ho yoo hai ding” which in English means “the new wall of China, in Beijing”, the Chinese local officials have taken the task of keeping the city as clean as possible before the Olympics by covering less than desirable or even eyesore parts of the city behind walls, in such a way that they don’t interfiere with the atlethes’ or tourists’ line of view.

Thus many small one bedroom houses and stores owners would be safely protected from curious tourists that might speak with them, buy their products or even know they exist.

“We not only care about imperialist tourist, we care about local Chinese people too. We give them culture, we give them new wall of China for protection and their own Forbidden City in their own room. We specially care about Chinese children. We belive they are future of China. We give them economic future in constructing industry with bricks. Of course, we give them sweatshop quota and circus acrobatics too so they have integral development. If they fast enough, we give them chance in olympic event too after they finish homework and rice field work.” said a Chinese official who did not request to remain anonymus. However, this wasn’t  necessary as his name was too difficult to pronounce and impossible to remember and they all look the same anyway.