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States seeking to ban mandatory health insurance

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President Obama declared that if his health reform isn't approved by Congress, he himself would make sure that every American gets health care. "It might take me a long time though," he warned.

Jefferson City, Mo, February 1st, 2010, (Reuters).- After a State of the Union Address, where president Barack Obama pushed for a health care reform, conservative politicians all over the country have responded with state constitutional amendments to ban mandatory health insurance.

“We are just defending the right of every American citizen to pay for their doctor and medicine bills from their own pockets,” said Missouri Sen. Jane Cunningham. “This no-birth-certificate president seems to forget that this country is based on the patriotic principles of free market for corporations. If we allowed free or even cheap health benefits to society and poor communities the country would turn to socialism and communism, just like it happened in countries with cheap or free healthcare, like Canada and the United Kindgom.”

These amendments, called “Freedom of Payment in Health Care Act” in most states could be contested in courts since they will go against federal law. However, since the Supreme Court ruled in late January that corporations can adopt as many lawyers as they can afford, states might be able to uphold these laws.

NY taxes drinks, music, dancing, and sex. People start to move to Connecticut.

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Governor Paterson refuses to hug his son, as hugs are now taxed under the new No Fun Tax Plan.

Governor Paterson refuses to hug his son, as hugs are now taxed under the new No Fun Tax Plan.

Albany, NY., December 17, 2008, (Reuters).- Governor David Paterson proposed today a new 2009-2010 budget plan that increases spending by 1.1 %, which is aimed at compensating the effects of the recession.

The budget plan is based on a new tax plan that will seek to obtain the extra resources needed, and it’s called the New York No Fun Tax Plan. The tax plan will create or increase 88 taxes. New Yorkers will have to pay taxes on downloaded music, beer, sports tickets, sex and watching Letterman.

Governor David Paterson defended his New York No Fun Tax Plan. “We have to get into fiscal disciple, with the financial crisis affecting our economy. Besides, it will help reduce the likeness of another Spitzer scandal.”

The tax plan consists of three chapters:

a) The No Fun at the Bar Tax Plan.  It will tax beer, liquor, cigars, cigarettes, taxi rides, and dating.

b) The No Fun Going Out with the Family Tax Plan. It will tax sodas, sports tickets, movie tickets,  spa visits, gas, ipods, video game consoles, and love.

b) The No fun at Home Tax Plan. It will tax downloaded music, internet services, cable TV, satellite TV, watching Letterman (watching Oprah will only be affordable by the rich), and feeling at home.

The news of the new tax plan has caused everyone who is not an accountant to move to Connecticut.

The NBER announces that the US is officially in a recession. “In case somebody hasn’t noticed.”

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John Smith, from Los Pobres, California, said he had no idea the US was in a recession. "I'm glad somebody informed me, I would never have known otherwise."

John Smith, from Los Pobres, California, said he had no idea the US was in a recession. "I'm glad somebody informed me, I would never have known otherwise."

Cambridge, MA, December 2nd, 2008, (Reuters).- The National Bureau of Economic Research declared today that the US is in a recession and has been in it since December 2007.

NBER’s president Harry Potterba explained to the press: “We got all of our researchers, scholars, academic and economists together to discuss the possibility of a recession. After many hours of debates, we concluded that the US was indeed in a recession when all of us couldn’t get enough money to pay for the pizza when it arrived.”

“Then we tracked the recession back and decided that it started in December 2007, because none of us were able to buy any presents for our children back then, but we nevertheless had turkey for Thanksgiving that year,” Potterba explained.

He also declared that he was glad the word was out, “I want people to know that they might have a bit of problems in getting a job, keeping the one they have or getting enough money to pay for food and rent. I would hate if this situation caught anyone by surprise.”

White House spokeslad Tony Frapucchino commented that the White House didn’t agree with the term “recession.” “I think there might be a slow economic turndown, or a deceleration of the economy, or an economic slowdown, or just a loss of hundreds of thousands of jobs, but not necessarily a recession,” explained Tony.

“It’s not important who or what or when caused it, as it clearly is nobody’s fault. What’s important is what is being done about it. And the most important thing we can do right now is bail out all the institutions where Cheney is a board member, in order to restore confidence… to Dick Cheney,” said the White House spokeslad.

National Debt Clock runs out of digits.

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New York, NY, October 9th, 2008, (Reuters).- In a sign of the fundamentals

The dollar currency symbol was replaced with a "1" in order to reflect the 10 trillion debt. By the way, you and your family owe $90,000 dollars.

The dollar currency symbol was replaced with a "1". By the way, you and your family owe $90,000.

of the American economy not being as strong as one’d think, the National Debt Clock in New York City has run out of digits to record the growing figure.

As a short-term fix, the digital dollar sign on the billboard-style clock near Times Square has been switched to a figure — the “1” in $10 trillion. It’s marking the federal government’s current debt at about $10.2 trillion. In case of doubt, the average American can aslo see how much his or her family owes.

The Durst Organization says it plans to update the sign next year by adding two digits. That will make it capable of tracking debt up to a quadrillion dollars, which is not that unrealistic. They will add two digits to the family share figure as well, just to keep up for the first half of 2009.

Despite bailout, stockmarkets fall faster than Bush’s popularity. “The economy is going to be just fine”: Bush

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Cincinnati, OH, October 6th, 2008, (Reuters).- The bailout plan that the

At the end of the conference, president Bush played the guitar for some coins. "The way things are going, none of us might have a job soon," he commented.

At the end of the conference, president Bush played the guitar for some coins. "The way things are going, none of us might have a job soon," he commented.

president just signed, created the opposite desired effect, a sell off that triggered losses in all markets in the world, including a drop for the Dow Jones that hadn’t been seen since 2004. This was in addition to an unprecedent streak of bank closures, mergers and sell offs.

The president made some unscheduled comments both in San Antonio and in Cincinnati to soothe the markets and breath confidence back into American financial institutions.

“Frist of all, I don’t see America having problems. The economy is growing, productivity is high, trade is up, people are working. It’s not as good as we’d like, but  — and to the extent that we find weakness, we’ll move.”

“I believe that in the long run, this economy is going to be just fine.” Pointing to some business owners that were with him, he added, “The bill I signed is a big step toward solving this problem. Had we not done anything, people like these folks would be a lot worse off. As it stands, they are just bad and miserable. Fellas, I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”

He also spoke to some reporters and citizens gathered to show that he cares. To a divorced mother of three, he said “You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that’s fantastic that you’re doing that.”

To a banker who asked him if the bailout would be enough, he answered, “We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority.”

As a closing statement, he added, “Let’s make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy.”

Written by Flippyman

October 6, 2008 at 10:57 pm

Mortgage forgiven for woman, 90, who shot herself. “We figured she won’t be paying anyway,” Fannie Mae.

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Akron, OH, October 5th, 2008, (Reuters).- Mortgage finance company

Vice president Dick Cheney expressed his opposition to the forgiving of the mortage. "It'll just encourage people to avoid their fiscal and financial resposabilities by shooting themselves."

Vice president Dick Cheney expressed his opposition to the dismissal of the mortgage. "It'll just encourage people to avoid their fiscal and financial responsabilities by shooting themselves."

Fannie Mae said it is forgiving the mortgage debt of Addie Polk, a 90-year-old woman who shot herself in the chest as sheriff’s deputies attempted to evict her.

Fannie Mae announced later that it would dismiss its foreclosure action, forgive Polk’s mortgage and allow her to return to the Akron home where she’s lived since 1970.

“Given the circumstances, we think it’s appropriate,” Fannie Mae spokesman Brian Faith said, “we don’t think she’s going to pay us anyway as the hospital bills will steal all our, I mean, her money.”

Polk remained in Akron General Medical Center and was expected to recover from the chest wounds. Robert Dillon, Polk’s longtime neighbor and the one who took her to the hospital visited her today. “She said it was a crazy thing to do, now that she’s had time to think about it,” Dillon said. It’s not clear whether it was a reference to the shooting or to the government’s approval of the $700 billion bailout plan.

Bush signs historic bill. “well, ok, if it really means so much to you,” says Congress.

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Washington, D.C., October 3rd, 2008, (Reuters).- With the economy on the brink of meltdown and elections

Bush signing the bailout bill with BIG LETTERS so as it's clear he did sign it.

Bush signing the bailout bill with BIG LETTERS so as it's clear that he did sign it.

looming, a reluctant Congress abruptly reversed course and approved a historic $700 billion government bailout of the battered financial industry.

“This is just exaclty how taxpayer’s money should be spent, in only supa-dupa necessary expenses like this,” said Bush as he signed the bill with his $10,000 dollars Montblanc pen.

“We have acted boldly to help prevent the crisis on Wall Street from becoming a crisis in communities across our country, we saved our CEOs” Bush said shortly after the plan cleared Congress, although he conceded, “Our economy continues to face serious challenges. For example, private swimming pools are still not tax deductible.”

The 263-171 vote capped two weeks of tumult in Congress and on Wall Street, punctuated by urgent warnings from Bush that the country confronted “the gravest economic disaster since the Great Depression if lawmakers failed to act.”

“I have no idea how this happened, but we either spend billions on this bailout, or the American taxpayers and citizens could end up losing a lot of money.”

The rescue didn’t stop the Dow Jones from dropping 157 points. In addition to that, the Labor Department said earlier in the day that employers had slashed 159,000 jobs in September, the largest cut in five years.

“Let’s not kid ourselves: We’re in the midst of a recession. But it’s necessary to avoid a recession.” said Rep. John A. Boehner, R-Ohio, the minority leader, as he prepared to cast his vote for the most sweeping federal intervention in markets in decades.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson pledged quick action to get the program up and operating. “We can’t have bankers go without purchasing power for Xmas presents this holiday season,” he commented.