The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

Funny news, trivia news, ironic news, sarcastic news and news news.

Archive for the ‘Political news’ Category

States seeking to ban mandatory health insurance

with one comment

President Obama declared that if his health reform isn't approved by Congress, he himself would make sure that every American gets health care. "It might take me a long time though," he warned.

Jefferson City, Mo, February 1st, 2010, (Reuters).- After a State of the Union Address, where president Barack Obama pushed for a health care reform, conservative politicians all over the country have responded with state constitutional amendments to ban mandatory health insurance.

“We are just defending the right of every American citizen to pay for their doctor and medicine bills from their own pockets,” said Missouri Sen. Jane Cunningham. “This no-birth-certificate president seems to forget that this country is based on the patriotic principles of free market for corporations. If we allowed free or even cheap health benefits to society and poor communities the country would turn to socialism and communism, just like it happened in countries with cheap or free healthcare, like Canada and the United Kindgom.”

These amendments, called “Freedom of Payment in Health Care Act” in most states could be contested in courts since they will go against federal law. However, since the Supreme Court ruled in late January that corporations can adopt as many lawyers as they can afford, states might be able to uphold these laws.

Michelle Obama complains about her daughters’ dolls: “We didn’t get any royalties”

leave a comment »

Ty Inc. is also releasing in the new future a new doll for its "Pregant Palin" series.It'll be called, "Bristol with Baby," and will have nothing to do with Alaska's governor's daughter.

Ty Inc. is also releasing in the near future a new doll for its "Pregant Palin" series. It'll be called, "Bristol with Baby," and will have nothing to do with Alaska's governor's daughter.

Washington, D.C., January 27th, 2008, (Reuters).- Michelle Obama expressed her disagreement with the dolls that are being produced and that are named after her daughters, Sasha and Malia.

The new first lady told the press “We believe it is innapropiate to use two young private, totally average citizens for marketing purposes. First, because the election is already over.  Second, because we didn’t get any royalties.”

Ty Inc.’s spokesperson Tania Lundeen told the media “There’s nothing in the dolls that refers to the Obama girls. Just because they are black, represent about the same age as the real Sasha and Malia, and they are called Sasha and Malia, doesn’t mean that they are replications of Sasha and Malia. They have nothing to do with them. Really! Honest! We chose those traits just because they are full of hope and change. ”

She also took the opportunity to make an important announcement, “Most of all, we want to remind you that each dolls is sold for only $9.99, and if you buy both of them, you get a free copy of ‘The audacity of hope’ as a bonus.”

“Bush’s presidency has a good, strong record”: Bush

with 3 comments

By the end of the news conference, president Bush was so confident that he even made a racist joke about president Obama.

By the end of the news conference, president Bush was so confident that he even made a racist joke about president Obama.

Washington, D.C., January 12th, 2008, (Reuters).- In a final news conference, which the president called “the ultimate exit interview,” president Bush declared that Bush’s presidency has a good, strong record.

He also commented on other issues that marked his presidency as well as his legacy.

He defended the image of the US overseas and denied that it had been tarnished during his administration. “I dissagree that this assesment that people view America in a dim light. People still understand America stands for freedom, why just a month ago, Arab people were so pleased to see me that they offered their shoes to me.”

He also defended his record on human rights, including imprisonment without a trial of suspected terrorists and use of tough interrogation methods at Guantanamo Bay, as well as overriding civil rights at home in order to obtain local information. “Yes, I did all that, but I just couldn’t let terrorists come into our land and destroy our basic rights.”

Most of all, he spoke about the Iraq war, defending his decisions, “I did what I had to do, there weren’t any mistakes at all. I grant that there weren’t any weapons of mass destruction at all, and there were abuses at the Abu Ghraib prision, but those weren’t mistakes, just things that didn’t go according to plan.”

When asked about the time he claimed victory under a banner with big huge letters reading “mission accomplished,” he explained “We’ve clarified this before, it was a banner put up by the janitor who had finished his working shift that same day. It sent the wrong message to those that will always look for the wrong message.”

He also defended his decision to send an additional 30,000 troops. “The question is, in the long run, will this democracy survive? and that’s going to be a question for future presidents.” It wasn’t clear if was referring to the US or Iraq.

Regarding the response to Katrina, he denied it had been slow. “Don’t tell me the federal response was slow when there were 30,000 people pulled off roofs right after the storm passed. I have heard nothing but congratulations and appreciation from them, while I have never heard a single complaint from the people that died.”

Regarding his involvement of peace in the Middle East, he commented “I laid out a vision of what peace would be like, I think I have advanced the process and now Palestinians and Israelis are closer than ever.”

He also spoke about the US economy’s state as he leaves office. “The fundamentals of our economy are strong.”

Finally, he mentioned what he believes is the most important issue that the next president will face: “An attack on the United States. That’s a much more important issue than the economic crisis, because it’s real and it actually affects American lives. Despite sending the country to wars and ripping apart the US civil rights, America isn’t safe. I wish I could report that’s not the case.”

Meanwhile, a CNN poll revealed that right after the news conference, Bush’s popularity increased a bit. He’s now more popular than chickenpox but still trails behind taxes.

NY taxes drinks, music, dancing, and sex. People start to move to Connecticut.

with one comment

Governor Paterson refuses to hug his son, as hugs are now taxed under the new No Fun Tax Plan.

Governor Paterson refuses to hug his son, as hugs are now taxed under the new No Fun Tax Plan.

Albany, NY., December 17, 2008, (Reuters).- Governor David Paterson proposed today a new 2009-2010 budget plan that increases spending by 1.1 %, which is aimed at compensating the effects of the recession.

The budget plan is based on a new tax plan that will seek to obtain the extra resources needed, and it’s called the New York No Fun Tax Plan. The tax plan will create or increase 88 taxes. New Yorkers will have to pay taxes on downloaded music, beer, sports tickets, sex and watching Letterman.

Governor David Paterson defended his New York No Fun Tax Plan. “We have to get into fiscal disciple, with the financial crisis affecting our economy. Besides, it will help reduce the likeness of another Spitzer scandal.”

The tax plan consists of three chapters:

a) The No Fun at the Bar Tax Plan.  It will tax beer, liquor, cigars, cigarettes, taxi rides, and dating.

b) The No Fun Going Out with the Family Tax Plan. It will tax sodas, sports tickets, movie tickets,  spa visits, gas, ipods, video game consoles, and love.

b) The No fun at Home Tax Plan. It will tax downloaded music, internet services, cable TV, satellite TV, watching Letterman (watching Oprah will only be affordable by the rich), and feeling at home.

The news of the new tax plan has caused everyone who is not an accountant to move to Connecticut.

Shoes banned from flights within, to and out of the United States.

leave a comment »

President Bush as he dodges the shoe terror attack that prompted the banning of shoes in American flights.

President Bush as he dodges the shoe terror attack that prompted the banning of shoes in American flights.

Washington, D.C., December 16th, 2008, (Reuters).- As of today, passengers flying within, to, and out of the United States will not be allowed to wear shoes on their persons, nor to carry them in their luggage.

This is the latest item banning that has been implemented in order to avoid terrorists attacks. Previously terror weapons that had been banned are water bottles, face creams, nail clippers, and any reading material that is printed in Arabic (or a language that might seem Arabic to the flight attentants).

White House spokeslad Tony Frappuchino explained the measurement, “After the recent shoe terror attack on the president, we just can’t afford to have potential terrorists climb in our airplanes with those weapons on their feet. We have decided to act now, rather to wait until an American life is taken by a shoe to do something.

President George Bush commented on the shoe attack incident, “I’m not insulted. I don’t hold it against the government. We won’t even invade the country of the shoe thrower. Besides, Cheney told me that we already have.”

Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki commented on the incident as well, “It is not a behavior that reflects the feeling of all the Iraqis, only the ones that weren’t appointed to a government position by the Americans.”

Bush admits intelligence on Iraq was dumb. “Oops, sorry about that:” Bush.

leave a comment »

He said he was sorry he didn't get a bit more time to win the war in Iraq. "I was this close," showed the president.

Bush said he was sorry he didn't get a bit more time to win the war in Iraq. "I was this close," showed the president.

Washington, D.C., December 1st, 2008, (Reuters).- In an interview for ABC-DEF, co-president George W. Bush spoke about several issues from his soon-to-end administration, the war in Iraq being the most prominent one.

Asked what he was most unprepared for when he took office in January 2001, Bush replied, “gee, that’s a tough one, so many things. Well, I think I would select being unprepared for war. In other words, I didn’t campaign and say ‘vote for me, I’ll be able to handle an attack,’ and it was clear to me that I couldn’t. Even other people have started to notice.”

Asked what his greatest accomplishment was, the president replied, “that’s very easy. I defended America and kept it safe against attacks from ideological thugs.”

He also acknowledged that the intelligence in Iraq was not accurate, although he refused to say whether he had launched the invasion on Iraq had he known Saddam Hussein didn’t really have weapons of mass destruction. “I guess I wish the intelligence in Iraq had been intelligent. Nevertheless, I’m glad Saddam Hussein was caught and persecuted because he clearly had no disregard for human life.”

He also spoke about his opposition to a formal timeline for withdrawing from Iraq. “I don’t believe in sending people’s sons to lose their lives in vain, so I wanted to send some more to make it worth it.”

Hillary Clinton tries to be selected Obama’s Secretary of State. “She should continue to work in politics, otherwise she’d come home”: Bill.

with 2 comments

Hillary is already grooming Chelsea for a future political carreer. "I'll get a Clinton woman on the White House office even if that's the last thing I do," said Hillary, forgetting that Bill had done that plenty of times before.

Hillary is already grooming Chelsea for a future political carreer. "I'll get a woman into the White House, even if it's the last thing I do," said Hillary, forgetting that Bill had done it many times already.

Washington, D.C., November 13th, 2008, (Reuters).- Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her intention to have a place in the current administration. Since she can no longer try for the president, vice-president or first lady position, she declared she wanted to be Secretary of State.

She spoke to the press about her qualifications and credentials in several areas, “I became a very hard working person since the day I realized that, like most Washington women, sleeping with Bill Clinton didn’t earn me anything. I also want to be an example for all those young kids who don’t know what work means. They think it’s a four-letter work,” said the Senator. “I also have experience. I have been tested many times. You never know what Bill might have brought home.”

Among other things, she said she has the experience to handle the economic crisis. “As I showed in my primary campaign, I have experience solving great problems, such as the economy. I will help set the conditions so that banks can flush money into businesses. I might even get a loan to pay my campaign debt. By the way, we are going to take away things from you on behalf of the common good.”

Bill Clinton also commented on his wife: “From my own experience I can tell you that she doesn’t go down without a fight.”

Election fever refuses to die. Lindsay Lohan continues to support Barack Obama.

leave a comment »

New York, NY, November 12th, 2008, (Reuters).- Even after the election ended with a certain victory of

Linsay Lohan with girlfriend Samantha Ronson, who wishes Lindsay kept her mouth shut in front of the cameras for once.

Linsay Lohan with girlfriend Samantha Ronson, who wishes Lindsay kept her mouth shut in front of the cameras for once.

 Democratic Barack Obama, people with little or no life continue the election fever, supporting either president-elect Obama, or Governor Sarah Palin.

Lindsay Lohan continues to make declarations about her support for Barack Obamahim, much to the dismay of the president-elect, who would rather not be associated with her. “It’s worse than being linked with Ayers,” said the president-elect according to a source close to him who asked to remain anonymous (Michelle told us).

In her latest gaffe, Lindsay Lohan spoke in an interview with Maria Menounos in “Access Hollywood,” about her experience during Election Day. “It was really exiting, all the boys and the booze and the girls. It was an amazing feeling. It’s our first colored president.”

In other news, Sarah Palin was offered 2 million dollars for starring on a porn movie. Porn film director Cezar Capone included an extra $100,000 dollars and a brand new snowmobile if Todd is willing to co-start the picture.

Palin declined the offer, “Thanks but no thanks. It’s unethical, immoral, opportunistic, indecent and against all the values and things I believe in. Besides, I save more than that in the lawyer and the trips that the state of Alaska pays for me and my family.”

Secret service releases to the public the secret codenames of the Obamas and the Bidens.

leave a comment »

Washington, D.C., November 11th, 2008, (Reuters).- The United States Secret Service released today

Secret service agents risk their lifes for the good of the country. They also have to disguise themselves according to the occasion. In the picture, Secret agents prepared for the last visit of John Paul II.

Secret service agents risk their lives for the good of the country. They also have to disguise themselves according to the occasion. In the picture, Secret agents prepared for the last visit of John Paul II.

the secret codenames of every member of the Obama and Biden families.

“We figured it would be faster for our agents to learn them if we just posted them on internet and they could look at it whenever they needed. We hope it greatly reduces calls asking questions like ‘What is a code 97 again?’ or ‘is red fish the tall guy or the bald guy?'” said US Secret Service Director, Mark J. Sullivan.

All the Obama family members have secret code names that start with “R”. Initially, they were going to be identified with “N” words, but the Secret Service changed them in order to avoid controversy.

President-elect Obama will be referred in Secret Service agents’ walkie-talkies as “Renegade.” Because he’s “never been afraid to say what’s on his mind at any given time of day,” explained Sullivan. “Michelle Obama is secret coded as “Renaissance”, because for the first time in her life, she will be proud of her country.”

Unlike the Obamas, the Bidens’ secret codes start with the letter “C”. “Joe Biden’s secret codename is ‘Celtic’, due to his similarity with the Boston basketball team’s long but not so glamorous record. On the other hand, his wife Jill is codenamed ‘Capri’ because she’s old, well built and convertible,” finished Sullivan.

Despite Bush’s promise of a smooth transition, Bush’s First Dog bites reporter.

leave a comment »

Washington, D.C., November 8th 2008, (Reuters).- After the promise of Bush of a smooth

Barney, the incumbent First Dog, speaks about the incident in a press conference. "When it comes to my own safety, I don't need approval of the United Nations."

Barney, the incumbent First Dog, explains the incident in a press conference. "When it comes to my own safety, I don't need approval of the United Nations," he barked.

transition and his pledge to do whatever he can to help the president-elect, Barack Obama, an incident spelled trouble for both teams: Barney, Bush’s First Dog, bit White House reporter Jonathan Black’n’Decker.

Aides of the president on condition of anonymity told the press that Barney had been becoming a rogue lately, and refusing to following orders.

Black’n’Decker interviewed himself about the incident.

“He seemed nice and friendly, but he suddenly became very angry and vicious, much like McCain does. I don’t know what happened to him (the First Dog). It might have been the Republican defeat of last Tuesday, the fact that he’s going to be replaced as First Dog of America or that I had eaten bacon for breakfast and didn’t wash my hands,” Black’n’Decker answered himself to a question he had asked himself about the reasons of the incident.

The White House denied any ill will or bad intentions from the First Dog. “It was just a pre-emptive attack in order to protect the integrity of the First Dog, which then became an effort to liberate Jonathan Black’n’Decker. In any case, we consider it as ‘mission accomplished,'” said White House veterinarian Richard Tubb.