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NYC gives Mr. Crabs life pardon.

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Mr Crabs got the pardon from the judge just as he was about to be eaten. It was later discovered that he had stolen the waiter's tip by the time he left the restaurant.

Mr Crabs got the pardon from the judge just as he was about to be eaten. It was later discovered that he had stolen the waiter's tip by the time he left the restaurant.

New York City, NY, January 11th, 2009, (Reuters).- After several demonstrations and a few arson acts in judges houses from PETA members, New York City Justice decided to pardon Mr. Crabs execution and release him in the ocean.

“We applaud the judge’s noble and compassionate decision to release Mr. Crabs and let him live his last days in freedom and peace,” said Ingrid E. Newquirk, president of PETA (People Extremely in need of Therapy, not Animals).

“Our next goal is to burn down all McDonalds and Burger King restaurants until they stop selling hamburgers that are made with meat. By the way, I’d like to say to anyone that’s listening, if you’re unemployed because we burnt down your work center, come join us, you have plenty of time now and we can always use a volunteer,” ended Newquirk.

Mr. Crabs, who is 139, had been imprisoned and charged with illegal trade of endangered species such as seasponge, sea stars and squidwards. He had been sentenced to be eaten at the City Crab and Seafood restaurant, but was pardoned at the last second.

The NY authorities released him in Kennebunkport, Maine, where he died choked by a plastic bag 1 hour after his release.

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Israel warns terrorists of upcoming bombings on civilians.

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The Gaza infrastructure is in ruins, with basic public services in poor conditions or non-existent. And this was before the Israeli planes arrived.

The Gaza infrastructure is in ruins, with basic public services in poor conditions or non-existent. And this was before the Israeli planes arrived.

Gaza City, Gaza Strip, January 10th, 2009, (Reuters).- Israel sent to the Gaza Strip today airplanes that dropped both bombs and leaflets that warn terrorists that planes will be sent to drop bombs and leaflets.

The leaflets had messages such as “The Israeli Defense Forces will Attack your terror houses, schools, and mosques. The Israel Defense Forces are not against you, desipite killing you and treating you like secluded dogs. Stay safe by not being near a likely target, for example, any building that is still standing.”

Unfortunately, most of the terrorists weren’t able to receive the message. This was due to two causes. When the bombs were dropped before the leaflets, there weren’t any survivors left to read them. When the leaflets were dropped before the bombs, the leaflets were destroyed by the bombs.

There was one unconfirmed report of a terrorist eldery woman who actually survived to pick up one of the leaflets. However, she was still unable to know what it said, as it was written in Hebrew and she didn’t know how to read anyway.

Regarding the UN call for a cease-fire, Hamas complained that they weren’t consulted, but the UN ignored them as they don’t officially exist. Israel ignored the UN call and  denied any civilian casualities, despite the fact that Gaza has no army. Moreover, Tel-Aviv warned the UN not to send any more trucks with humanitary aid to the Gaza region or they will be bombed again on the ground of being used to deliver food and supplies to terrorist families and children.

Some sources in the Israeli government who talked on condition of anonimity clam that Israel is preparing a third phase that consists of a pre-emptive attack, that will be followed by a fourth one that will seek to liberate Gaza.

So far, the recent bombings have killed 800 terrorists, 400 of them were potential terrorists (children) and 200 of them were terrorist creators (women).

NY taxes drinks, music, dancing, and sex. People start to move to Connecticut.

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Governor Paterson refuses to hug his son, as hugs are now taxed under the new No Fun Tax Plan.

Governor Paterson refuses to hug his son, as hugs are now taxed under the new No Fun Tax Plan.

Albany, NY., December 17, 2008, (Reuters).- Governor David Paterson proposed today a new 2009-2010 budget plan that increases spending by 1.1 %, which is aimed at compensating the effects of the recession.

The budget plan is based on a new tax plan that will seek to obtain the extra resources needed, and it’s called the New York No Fun Tax Plan. The tax plan will create or increase 88 taxes. New Yorkers will have to pay taxes on downloaded music, beer, sports tickets, sex and watching Letterman.

Governor David Paterson defended his New York No Fun Tax Plan. “We have to get into fiscal disciple, with the financial crisis affecting our economy. Besides, it will help reduce the likeness of another Spitzer scandal.”

The tax plan consists of three chapters:

a) The No Fun at the Bar Tax Plan.  It will tax beer, liquor, cigars, cigarettes, taxi rides, and dating.

b) The No Fun Going Out with the Family Tax Plan. It will tax sodas, sports tickets, movie tickets,  spa visits, gas, ipods, video game consoles, and love.

b) The No fun at Home Tax Plan. It will tax downloaded music, internet services, cable TV, satellite TV, watching Letterman (watching Oprah will only be affordable by the rich), and feeling at home.

The news of the new tax plan has caused everyone who is not an accountant to move to Connecticut.

Shoes banned from flights within, to and out of the United States.

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President Bush as he dodges the shoe terror attack that prompted the banning of shoes in American flights.

President Bush as he dodges the shoe terror attack that prompted the banning of shoes in American flights.

Washington, D.C., December 16th, 2008, (Reuters).- As of today, passengers flying within, to, and out of the United States will not be allowed to wear shoes on their persons, nor to carry them in their luggage.

This is the latest item banning that has been implemented in order to avoid terrorists attacks. Previously terror weapons that had been banned are water bottles, face creams, nail clippers, and any reading material that is printed in Arabic (or a language that might seem Arabic to the flight attentants).

White House spokeslad Tony Frappuchino explained the measurement, “After the recent shoe terror attack on the president, we just can’t afford to have potential terrorists climb in our airplanes with those weapons on their feet. We have decided to act now, rather to wait until an American life is taken by a shoe to do something.

President George Bush commented on the shoe attack incident, “I’m not insulted. I don’t hold it against the government. We won’t even invade the country of the shoe thrower. Besides, Cheney told me that we already have.”

Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki commented on the incident as well, “It is not a behavior that reflects the feeling of all the Iraqis, only the ones that weren’t appointed to a government position by the Americans.”

The NBER announces that the US is officially in a recession. “In case somebody hasn’t noticed.”

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John Smith, from Los Pobres, California, said he had no idea the US was in a recession. "I'm glad somebody informed me, I would never have known otherwise."

John Smith, from Los Pobres, California, said he had no idea the US was in a recession. "I'm glad somebody informed me, I would never have known otherwise."

Cambridge, MA, December 2nd, 2008, (Reuters).- The National Bureau of Economic Research declared today that the US is in a recession and has been in it since December 2007.

NBER’s president Harry Potterba explained to the press: “We got all of our researchers, scholars, academic and economists together to discuss the possibility of a recession. After many hours of debates, we concluded that the US was indeed in a recession when all of us couldn’t get enough money to pay for the pizza when it arrived.”

“Then we tracked the recession back and decided that it started in December 2007, because none of us were able to buy any presents for our children back then, but we nevertheless had turkey for Thanksgiving that year,” Potterba explained.

He also declared that he was glad the word was out, “I want people to know that they might have a bit of problems in getting a job, keeping the one they have or getting enough money to pay for food and rent. I would hate if this situation caught anyone by surprise.”

White House spokeslad Tony Frapucchino commented that the White House didn’t agree with the term “recession.” “I think there might be a slow economic turndown, or a deceleration of the economy, or an economic slowdown, or just a loss of hundreds of thousands of jobs, but not necessarily a recession,” explained Tony.

“It’s not important who or what or when caused it, as it clearly is nobody’s fault. What’s important is what is being done about it. And the most important thing we can do right now is bail out all the institutions where Cheney is a board member, in order to restore confidence… to Dick Cheney,” said the White House spokeslad.

Bush admits intelligence on Iraq was dumb. “Oops, sorry about that:” Bush.

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He said he was sorry he didn't get a bit more time to win the war in Iraq. "I was this close," showed the president.

Bush said he was sorry he didn't get a bit more time to win the war in Iraq. "I was this close," showed the president.

Washington, D.C., December 1st, 2008, (Reuters).- In an interview for ABC-DEF, co-president George W. Bush spoke about several issues from his soon-to-end administration, the war in Iraq being the most prominent one.

Asked what he was most unprepared for when he took office in January 2001, Bush replied, “gee, that’s a tough one, so many things. Well, I think I would select being unprepared for war. In other words, I didn’t campaign and say ‘vote for me, I’ll be able to handle an attack,’ and it was clear to me that I couldn’t. Even other people have started to notice.”

Asked what his greatest accomplishment was, the president replied, “that’s very easy. I defended America and kept it safe against attacks from ideological thugs.”

He also acknowledged that the intelligence in Iraq was not accurate, although he refused to say whether he had launched the invasion on Iraq had he known Saddam Hussein didn’t really have weapons of mass destruction. “I guess I wish the intelligence in Iraq had been intelligent. Nevertheless, I’m glad Saddam Hussein was caught and persecuted because he clearly had no disregard for human life.”

He also spoke about his opposition to a formal timeline for withdrawing from Iraq. “I don’t believe in sending people’s sons to lose their lives in vain, so I wanted to send some more to make it worth it.”

Michael Jackson sued by Arab Sheikh.

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The artist also said he's tired of all the Michael-Jackson-picking-his-nose jokes.

The artist also declared he's tired of all the Michael-Jackson-picks-his-nose jokes. "Oh, just beat it, will ya?" he said.

London, UK, November 17th, 2008, (Reuters).- Pop star, Michael Jackson is being sued again, this time by an Arab Sheikh prince from the totally unheard kingdom of Bahrain.

The Sheikh prince, whose short name is Abdulla Bin Hamad Al Khalifa Mohammed Hussein Barack, claims he gave Michael Jackson 7 million American dollars, 2 white limousines, 3 golden watches with “Jackson” engraved in them and 543 virgins from his personal harem, in exchange of 25 minutes of quality time and a couple of rounds of Rock Band, which Michael Jackson never delivered.

“The word is out, he’s doing wrong, we’re going to lock him up, before too long,” said the Shiekh’s lawyer, describing Michael Jackson’s end of the bargain as bad.

Michael Jackson, who defines his race as black or white, claims he’s innocent, and he thought the money he received from the Sheikh was just small change to pay for petty expenses, like paving his Never-Ever-Again ranch with golden bricks.

“He clearly doesn’t remember the time when he said it was a gift,” said Michael Jackson to the press. “And now he says I’m the one who will dance on the floor in a round.”

The King of Pop also claimed he’s always the target of opportunistic people who try to take advantage of him in order to get money. “People always told me, be careful who you love, be careful what you do, ’cause the lie becomes the truth,” lamented the singer.