The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

Funny news, trivia news, ironic news, sarcastic news and news news.

Posts Tagged ‘Bush

“Bush’s presidency has a good, strong record”: Bush

with 3 comments

By the end of the news conference, president Bush was so confident that he even made a racist joke about president Obama.

By the end of the news conference, president Bush was so confident that he even made a racist joke about president Obama.

Washington, D.C., January 12th, 2008, (Reuters).- In a final news conference, which the president called “the ultimate exit interview,” president Bush declared that Bush’s presidency has a good, strong record.

He also commented on other issues that marked his presidency as well as his legacy.

He defended the image of the US overseas and denied that it had been tarnished during his administration. “I dissagree that this assesment that people view America in a dim light. People still understand America stands for freedom, why just a month ago, Arab people were so pleased to see me that they offered their shoes to me.”

He also defended his record on human rights, including imprisonment without a trial of suspected terrorists and use of tough interrogation methods at Guantanamo Bay, as well as overriding civil rights at home in order to obtain local information. “Yes, I did all that, but I just couldn’t let terrorists come into our land and destroy our basic rights.”

Most of all, he spoke about the Iraq war, defending his decisions, “I did what I had to do, there weren’t any mistakes at all. I grant that there weren’t any weapons of mass destruction at all, and there were abuses at the Abu Ghraib prision, but those weren’t mistakes, just things that didn’t go according to plan.”

When asked about the time he claimed victory under a banner with big huge letters reading “mission accomplished,” he explained “We’ve clarified this before, it was a banner put up by the janitor who had finished his working shift that same day. It sent the wrong message to those that will always look for the wrong message.”

He also defended his decision to send an additional 30,000 troops. “The question is, in the long run, will this democracy survive? and that’s going to be a question for future presidents.” It wasn’t clear if was referring to the US or Iraq.

Regarding the response to Katrina, he denied it had been slow. “Don’t tell me the federal response was slow when there were 30,000 people pulled off roofs right after the storm passed. I have heard nothing but congratulations and appreciation from them, while I have never heard a single complaint from the people that died.”

Regarding his involvement of peace in the Middle East, he commented “I laid out a vision of what peace would be like, I think I have advanced the process and now Palestinians and Israelis are closer than ever.”

He also spoke about the US economy’s state as he leaves office. “The fundamentals of our economy are strong.”

Finally, he mentioned what he believes is the most important issue that the next president will face: “An attack on the United States. That’s a much more important issue than the economic crisis, because it’s real and it actually affects American lives. Despite sending the country to wars and ripping apart the US civil rights, America isn’t safe. I wish I could report that’s not the case.”

Meanwhile, a CNN poll revealed that right after the news conference, Bush’s popularity increased a bit. He’s now more popular than chickenpox but still trails behind taxes.

Bush admits intelligence on Iraq was dumb. “Oops, sorry about that:” Bush.

leave a comment »

He said he was sorry he didn't get a bit more time to win the war in Iraq. "I was this close," showed the president.

Bush said he was sorry he didn't get a bit more time to win the war in Iraq. "I was this close," showed the president.

Washington, D.C., December 1st, 2008, (Reuters).- In an interview for ABC-DEF, co-president George W. Bush spoke about several issues from his soon-to-end administration, the war in Iraq being the most prominent one.

Asked what he was most unprepared for when he took office in January 2001, Bush replied, “gee, that’s a tough one, so many things. Well, I think I would select being unprepared for war. In other words, I didn’t campaign and say ‘vote for me, I’ll be able to handle an attack,’ and it was clear to me that I couldn’t. Even other people have started to notice.”

Asked what his greatest accomplishment was, the president replied, “that’s very easy. I defended America and kept it safe against attacks from ideological thugs.”

He also acknowledged that the intelligence in Iraq was not accurate, although he refused to say whether he had launched the invasion on Iraq had he known Saddam Hussein didn’t really have weapons of mass destruction. “I guess I wish the intelligence in Iraq had been intelligent. Nevertheless, I’m glad Saddam Hussein was caught and persecuted because he clearly had no disregard for human life.”

He also spoke about his opposition to a formal timeline for withdrawing from Iraq. “I don’t believe in sending people’s sons to lose their lives in vain, so I wanted to send some more to make it worth it.”

Despite bailout, stockmarkets fall faster than Bush’s popularity. “The economy is going to be just fine”: Bush

leave a comment »

Cincinnati, OH, October 6th, 2008, (Reuters).- The bailout plan that the

At the end of the conference, president Bush played the guitar for some coins. "The way things are going, none of us might have a job soon," he commented.

At the end of the conference, president Bush played the guitar for some coins. "The way things are going, none of us might have a job soon," he commented.

president just signed, created the opposite desired effect, a sell off that triggered losses in all markets in the world, including a drop for the Dow Jones that hadn’t been seen since 2004. This was in addition to an unprecedent streak of bank closures, mergers and sell offs.

The president made some unscheduled comments both in San Antonio and in Cincinnati to soothe the markets and breath confidence back into American financial institutions.

“Frist of all, I don’t see America having problems. The economy is growing, productivity is high, trade is up, people are working. It’s not as good as we’d like, but  — and to the extent that we find weakness, we’ll move.”

“I believe that in the long run, this economy is going to be just fine.” Pointing to some business owners that were with him, he added, “The bill I signed is a big step toward solving this problem. Had we not done anything, people like these folks would be a lot worse off. As it stands, they are just bad and miserable. Fellas, I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”

He also spoke to some reporters and citizens gathered to show that he cares. To a divorced mother of three, he said “You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that’s fantastic that you’re doing that.”

To a banker who asked him if the bailout would be enough, he answered, “We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority.”

As a closing statement, he added, “Let’s make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy.”

Written by Flippyman

October 6, 2008 at 10:57 pm

Bush signs historic bill. “well, ok, if it really means so much to you,” says Congress.

leave a comment »

Washington, D.C., October 3rd, 2008, (Reuters).- With the economy on the brink of meltdown and elections

Bush signing the bailout bill with BIG LETTERS so as it's clear he did sign it.

Bush signing the bailout bill with BIG LETTERS so as it's clear that he did sign it.

looming, a reluctant Congress abruptly reversed course and approved a historic $700 billion government bailout of the battered financial industry.

“This is just exaclty how taxpayer’s money should be spent, in only supa-dupa necessary expenses like this,” said Bush as he signed the bill with his $10,000 dollars Montblanc pen.

“We have acted boldly to help prevent the crisis on Wall Street from becoming a crisis in communities across our country, we saved our CEOs” Bush said shortly after the plan cleared Congress, although he conceded, “Our economy continues to face serious challenges. For example, private swimming pools are still not tax deductible.”

The 263-171 vote capped two weeks of tumult in Congress and on Wall Street, punctuated by urgent warnings from Bush that the country confronted “the gravest economic disaster since the Great Depression if lawmakers failed to act.”

“I have no idea how this happened, but we either spend billions on this bailout, or the American taxpayers and citizens could end up losing a lot of money.”

The rescue didn’t stop the Dow Jones from dropping 157 points. In addition to that, the Labor Department said earlier in the day that employers had slashed 159,000 jobs in September, the largest cut in five years.

“Let’s not kid ourselves: We’re in the midst of a recession. But it’s necessary to avoid a recession.” said Rep. John A. Boehner, R-Ohio, the minority leader, as he prepared to cast his vote for the most sweeping federal intervention in markets in decades.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson pledged quick action to get the program up and operating. “We can’t have bankers go without purchasing power for Xmas presents this holiday season,” he commented.

White House asks Americans go to into a $700B debt to help Americans who are in debt.

leave a comment »

WASHINGTON – The Bush administration is asking Congress to let the

President Bush speaking about his plan. "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

President Bush speaking about his plan. "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

government buy $700 billion in toxic mortgages in the largest financial bailout since the Great Depression, according to a draft of the plan obtained by The Associated Press.

The plan would give the government broad power to buy with tax payer’s money the bad debt of any U.S. financial institution for the next two years. It would raise the statutory limit on the national debt from $10.6 trillion to $11.3 trillion to make room for the massive rescue. The proposal does not specify what the government would get in return from financial companies for the federal assistance. When asked about this, the president said “Oppsie!”

“We’re going to work with Congress to get a bill done quickly,” President Bush said at the White House. Speaking fast so as not to discuss the details of the plan, he said, “This is a big package because it was a big problem. There’s no need to worry now on who’s to blame for this economy crisis, which really isn’t a crisis because the economy is sound solid, but we’ll manage to blame it on the terrorists eventually.”

Administration officials and members of Congress were to negotiate throughout the weekend in a non-disclosed spa-resort with casino on how to best use the taxpayers’ money in order to avoid dire economic consequences.

Bush said he’s making average citizens take on the biggest debt since the depression because he’s worried the financial troubles could “ripple throughout” the economy and affect average citizens. “The risk of doing nothing far outweighs the risk of the package, and over time we’re going to get a lot of the money back. It shouldn’t take more than 50 or 70 years.”

He added, “For some obscure reason which I can’t begin to phantom, people are beginning to doubt our system, people were losing confidence and I understand it’s important to have confidence in our financial system.”

“In my judgment, based upon the advice of a lot of people who know how markets work because I certanly don’t, this problem wasn’t going to be contained to just the financial community,” the president said. He said he was concerned about “Sesame Street” and that what happens on “Wall Street” affects “Sesame Street” right before one of Dick Cheney’s aides came to correct him.

Written by Flippyman

September 20, 2008 at 8:08 pm

Gustav sideswipes New Orleans. Bush: “Response is much better than Katrina.”

leave a comment »

New Orleans, LA, September 1st, 2008, (Reuters).- President Bush declared

Bush, and McCain, who is NOT his friend, bought the people from New Orleans a cake to cheer them up. "Now they can have their cake and eat it too," said Bush.

Bush, and McCain, who is NOT his friend, bought the people from New Orleans a cake to cheer them up. "Now they can have their cake and eat it too," said Bush.

that the government had responded a lot better to Hurricane Gustav than it did to deadly Hurricane Katrina, which obliterated the Gulf Coast 3 years ago.

“The coordination on this storm is a lot better than on – during Katrina. All the oil plataforms are safe,” said Bush as he shaked hands with emergency workers and posed for pictures.

“The federal government is very much involved in helping the states. Our job is to assist, unlike the guys that handled the Katrina disaster, who did a flood of a job,” added Bush. Later on, he met recently appointed FEMA director David Paulison and told him, “Paulie, you’re doing a hell of a job, unlike that Brownie guy.”

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin also spoke to the media, “I was hoping that this would happen, that we would be able to stand before America, before everyone and say that we had success, unlike the mayor that handled Katrina.”

“We took some heavy measures,” further explained Nagin. “We evacuated the people with much more anticipation. That was easy as there were still a lot of homeless people from the Katrina disaster still living in cars or mobile homes. We also stopped giving buses to schools and we painted them gray, instead of yellow so we could use them in disasters.”

Regarding the preparations for hurricane Hanna-Barbera, which is expected to reach the US this week, Nagin commented, “Give us a break, they go from giving us three years to three days to prepare. It almost makes believe global warming really exists.”

Written by Flippyman

September 2, 2008 at 6:54 am

Missile system in Poland aimed at Russia not a threat to Russia: Rice

leave a comment »

Warsaw, Poland, August 20th, 2008, (Reuters).- The US and Poland

Secretary of State Rice giving the news to president Bush in her usual maternal way.

Secretary of State Rice giving the news to president Bush in her usual maternal way.

signed a deal to place a US missile system just 115 miles from Russia, which US secretary of State claims does not represent a military threat to Russia.

“Just because it’s next to Russia, and it’s been agreed just after the Russian invasion to Georgia, and it’s right in the Russian sphere of influence, doesn’t mean it represents a threat to Russia. It is in our defense that we do this,” commented Rice.

When asked about further clarification, she replied “why, it’s obvious that if we put a missile system next to Russia, it’s because we’re preparing a defense from an attack from Iran, not Russia.”

With respect to the Russian comments about a possible pre-emptive attack on Poland for accepting the facility, Rice developed, “such comments border on the bizarre, frankly. The Russians are losing their credibility. This is not 1988, it’s 2008. In this age, you just can’t do pre-emptive attacks on countries in order to destroy a weapon system that is not there on the excuse of self-defence without international sanction.”

Poland, like Georgia, has contributed 2,300 soldiers to the Iraq war and 1,600 to Afghanistan. Polish Prime Minister Donald Duck hopes to have a better protection than the former soviet republic. “After what happened to Georgia, we don’t want to fight the Russians with half of our army somewhere else,” he commented.