The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

Funny news, trivia news, ironic news, sarcastic news and news news.

Posts Tagged ‘Canada

Canadian terrorist found guilty.

leave a comment »

TORONTO (Reuters) – A Toronto-area man was found guilty by an Ontario court on Thursday of being part of

Faced with terrorist's threats, the government has assigned mounties to protect Canada's most famous possessions, like the Stanley cup.

Faced with terrorist's threats, the government has assigned mounties to protect Canada's most precious possessions, like the Stanley cup.

 a Canadian Al Qaeda-style terrorist conspiracy, the first verdict tied to an alleged plot against key Canadian landmarks, such as the Mounties Igloo Headquarters and the Toronto Hockey Statium. 
 
The Newfee, who cannot be named because Canadian law prohibits the release of names of criminals who were 17 or younger at the time of the crime, was one of the “Kids in the Hall” suspects arrested in a police sting in 2006.

The members of the group were arrested after allegedly trying to buy three water guns and materials to build what they called “explosive putts” from undercover Anaheim Ducks.

However, charges against seven of the suspects have since been dropped, mostly due to health care related issues, while defense lawyers have cast many of the suspects as naive kids who were drawn in by a small core of extremists, like Pamela Anderson, Dan Aykroyd and Avril Lavigne.

The guilty verdict, given by Ontario Superior Court Jean Chretien, was on the charge of “knowingly participating in or contributing to activities aboot threatening the national integrity of Canadian welfare, hey?”.

“I’m satisfied beyond a reasonable doubt that (the suspect) by his participation and contribution, intended to enhance the ability of the terrorist group to carry terrorist activities against key Canadian Institutes, such as the Molson Dry brewery, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Headquarters and the Beaver Refuge National Park” he wrote from his chesterfield.

Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, takes a fast course in world leaders with REAL world leaders. “More fun than wikipedia”:Palin

leave a comment »

New York, NY, September 23rd, 2008, (Reuters).- In order to boost her

Sarah Palin with the girl she was assigned to work with in her new geography class. "I wish they had assigned me someone mature and who at least knew the capital of Mexico," said the small girl.

Sarah Palin with the girl she was assigned to work with in her new geography class. "I wish they had assigned me with someone mature and who at least knew what the capital of Mexico is," said the small girl.

foreign relations credentials beyond seeing Russia from her house, the Palin-McCain campaign is having Sarah Palin take a crash course in word leaders by having them parade in front of her in next week’s United Nations General Assembly. She will be able to take notes on the names that are too hard for her to pronounce.

“Well, since I had never met a foreign head of state, like none of the previous vice-presidential candidates in history did, and I had never traveled outside the US until last year when I went to Canada to get some cheap medicines, the Palin-McCain campaign thought it would be a good idea to have a show-and-tell class of world leaders. It certanly beats looking them up in wikipedia,” commented Palin.

The first on the list was US-imposed Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “The encounter went remarcably well. We spoke for hours,” said Palin. “Next time I might even have a translator to find out what he’s telling me.”

Next on the list are (in order of apparition), Colombian president Alvaro Uribe, Georgian president Mikhail Saakashvili, Ukranian president Viktor Yuschenko, Iraqi president Jalal Talibani, Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari and Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh.

“We thought it’d be important for her to meet the presidents the US placed on the Iraqi and Afghan governments first, as well as the presidents of those countries who provided troops or permissions to use their territories in the Afghanistan and Iraq wars,” said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt. “After the parade, she will have a quick test on names and color flag matching, but she will be able to use her notes and we don’t count spelling mistakes for the grade.”

Reporters who wanted to see the encounters were banned initially. “We don’t want to get her nervous, so let’s keep the cameras in and the questions out, mmmkay?” had said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt ealier. When the media refused to give coverage, Schmitt relented “it was all just a misscommunication oopsie, ya really didn’t think I was serious, did ya?”

Palin from the Palin-McCain ticket plays it safe.

leave a comment »

The villages, FL, September 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- Sarah Palin played it safe

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house."

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house," commented Palin.

 Sunday on her first trip on the campaign she now calls “the Palin-McCain ticket” to the battleground state of Florida.

In order to show how sure she is of her credentials, she went to perhaps the easiest place in Florida to get a large Republican turnout, stuck mostly to the themes she’s hit since the Republican convention and took no questions from reporters or the crowd.

Nevertheless, she was welcomed like a star, with tens of thousands cramming into a plaza and nearby streets. Some waited more than five hours in 92-degree heat to see her speak for 23 minutes. Palin told the crowd her daughters Piper and Willow got to go to Disney World, although this time they will be flanked by security in order to avoid any other embarrassing suprise pregnancy.

Her remarks hit most of the same points she’s made since McCain chose her. She did, however, update the stump speech to reflect last week’s turmoil in the financial markets.

“This week when the economic crisis threatened the livelihood of millions of Americans, John McCain took a clear stand and supported the goverment bailout even if he’s always condemned government bailouts. Our opponent refused to even take a stand on the position,” Palin said.

In another show of how much the party trusts Palin’s capacity, the Palin-McCain campaign has asked to reduce time for questions and answers in the Palin-Biden debate and to completly eliminate any interaction between the debaters. “We want her to focus on giving our message, rather than to be defending herself. We believe it could save us some money in air time,” a Palin-McCain campaign spokesperson said.

When asked about her lack of credentials in foreign relationships, he answered “Nonsense. We have checked her knowledge on the subject with very throughout questions, like ‘What foreign country is the closest to Alaska?’ and she answered ‘Russia’ before we even finished asking the question. Of course, with all that pressure anyone can forget that the correct answer is Canada, but we still believe she’s more than ready to be a heart attack away from the presidency.”