The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

Funny news, trivia news, ironic news, sarcastic news and news news.

Posts Tagged ‘elections 2008

Obama answers questions in press conference after victory.

with 2 comments

Washington, D.C., November 6th, 2008, (Reuters).- In a press conference, president-elect Barack

Yes, the elected president Barack Obama can.

Yes, the elected president Barack Obama can.

Obama answered several questions about the post-campaign and the way his administration will be handled.

Q: Mr. President elect, do you think you and senator John McCain will be able to overcome your differences and work together for the sake of the nation?
A: Yes, we can.

Q: Can you and the Clintons work together to smooth differences within the Democratic party?
A: Yes, we can.

Q: Will you and Biden be able to prepare a Cabinet and a team before you arrive to the White House?
A: Yes, we can.

Q: Are the American people going to recover from this economic crisis?
A: Yes, we can.

Q: Can the US become again, not only a superpower, but a country admired by its values and principles?
A: Yes, we can.

Q: Do you think we can achieve victory in Iraq and Afghanistan?
A: Yes, we can.

Q: Do you think it’s possible for the US and our allies to dismantle Iran’s nuclear program?
A: Yes, we can.

Q: Can you work with Governor Palin as an advisor?
A: Ah… No, we can not.

Yes, We Can.

with one comment

(Today’s post was written by guest writer, Monica Rix Paxson, co-writer of Benjamin Franklin award

Everyone who helped got a text message from Barack, who is now on first name terms with them.

Everyone who helped got a text message from Barack, who is now on first name terms with them.

winning book “Dead Mars, Dying Earth,” who was reporting from Chicago’s Grant Park on the day of the election.)

YES, WE CAN.

Yes We Did and I Was There

Chicago, IL, November 5th, 2008, (Reuters).- For a week I’d been telling everyone I spoke to that they really shouldn’t miss it, that they should be at Chicago’s Grant Park on the night of the election; that they should be there for the party of the century. “It’s something that your grandchildren will talk about — that you were there the night Barack Obama won.”

To me, it was obvious. It was like the opportunity to be there when Lincoln read the Gettysburg Address, or when Martin Luther King spoke at the Lincoln Monument. For the rest of my life I will be able to say to anyone who was there, “Do you remember the night Obama won?” and they will smile and say, “How could I forget?”

People, tens of thousands of us, burst from subways and busses to converge in the park, yelling, chanting and laughing as we marched to the blare of car horns and sirens, hearts thrumming, shaking hands and hugging strangers. We couldn’t believe it! Barack Obama was ahead! All our efforts, all of our money, all of our votes: Could it have made a difference?

It was literally too much to hope for, even in the face of the evidence. In fact, when we learned that McCain was conceding, the reality of the victory dawned slowly. We’d won? We’d actually won? Was Barack Obama going to be our next President? It took a while to process the reality that this phenomenal man had actually led us to victory by mustering a level of organization that rivaled that of any military operation. He had delivered us.

As we stood shoulder to shoulder, watching our new leader on the Videotron, his voice echoed off the high rises on the other side of Michigan Avenue’s wide expanse. Yes we can! Yes. Yes. Yes we can. It was a miracle under the clear night sky. A black man will be our leader. A black woman will be our first lady. A peaceful revolution has taken place and the future of America has been transformed. Our starved ideals and aspirations are nourished once again. Finally, after all this time, there is hope.

I was riding the bus home when my phone indicated that a text message had just arrived.

“Date: 11/5/2008 1:32am

We just made history. All of this happened because you gave your time, talent and passion to this campaign. All of this happened because of you. Thanks. Barack”

You are welcome Mr. President.

More fictional characters jump in the bandwagon. Linus supports Obama, Lucy supports Palin, Charlie Brown undecided.

leave a comment »

To read this article in Italian, go here. Per leggere questo articolo in italiano, vai qui:

http://noccioline.altervista.org/index.php?subaction=showcomments&id=1208278663

(Translation courtesy of Fede)

Peanuts, USA, November 3rd, 2008, (Reuters).- Just one day before the election, more fictional

Linus van Pelt declaring his support for the Democratic candidate. "Obama is the security blanket of America."

Linus van Pelt declaring his support for the Democratic candidate. "Obama is the security blanket of America," he said.

characters showed their support for their candidates. This time, it was the peanuts gang that declared their political preferences.

Famous philosopher and founder of the Great Pumpkin Church, Linus Van Pelt spoke about his support for Democratic Candidate Barack Obama, “In this time of crisis and uncertanty, we all need something to hold on, to feel steady, to give us security. Obama is America’s security Blanket.”

On contrast, his sister and female heavyweight boxing  champion and author of several self-help books, such as the best seller “Life’s a kick, that’ll be 5 cents please”, Lucy Van Pelt, declared that she supported Sarah Palin, “It’s time that we had a woman up there with values and character and willing to show men what we’re capable of. ”

Finally, Charlie Brown who works as a barber’s assistant in the barbershop that his father used to own hasn’t taken a position yet, “Aaaaaaaaaaargh, I just can’t stand it, it’s too much pressure. I mean, I would like to be informed and vote, but somehow I never know what’s going on, Good grief!”

Al Bundy and the Fonz, among others, back Barack Obama.

leave a comment »

Hollywood, CA, October 24th, 2008, (Reuters).- As the race is approaching its end, famous real and

Al Bundy has retaken his trademark No MA'AM t-shirt to express his opposition to Sarah Palin.

Al Bundy has retaken his trademark No MA'AM t-shirt to express his opposition to Sarah Palin.

fictional personalities have started to back Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

One of the lastest celebrities that has endorsed the candidate is the Fonz. In a recent add he speaks to Richie and tells him that voting for Bush and Chenney was “wwwrr…….”, (apparently unable to admit he’s wrong). “But now we can make it right.” Fonz explained. He also told Richie he hand misunderstood Palin’s claim that “she shoots moose” as “she was loose.”

Another TV father that certanly makes less than $250,000 a year is Al Bundy. The famous shoe salesman has decided to back Obama after finding out that he’d save $1,000 dollars in taxes. Of course, he had to buy a $1,500 computer to find that out first. “Obama! Obama!” shouted Al Bundy as he slammed his hand against a table and raised his fist as he announced his support for the Democratic candidate.

Sarah Silverman has also decided to back the candidate. “I encourage all Jewish voters to schlep over to Florida and convince your grandparents to vote for Obama. Did I say encourage? I meant I demand you.” 

Retired sheriff Andy Taylor and his son Opie Taylor also expressed support for Senator Obama. “People are funny. Change scares them, they’d rather feel good in the same thing that’s been messing them up when change is the thing they can help them,” explained Andy to his son in a new commercial. “When I’m a grown up, I’d sure like to vote for someone as good as Mr. Obama,” replied Opie, apparently oblivious to the fact that he’s over 40 now and able to vote.

Close sources to the candidate (Michelle told us) say that although he welcomes any vote, he’s not too happy to be connected with some of the celebrities that try to get as many pictures with him as possible. “I can’t tell any names, but… oh, what gives, it’s Homer Simpson and Lindsay Lohan.”

So far, only Abe Simpson, Ned Flanders and Mr. Burns have been the only fictional characters to endorse the Palin-McCain ticket.

The Penguin endorses McCain. “I was the one who helped him prepare for his debates.”

leave a comment »

Gotham City. NJ, October 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- After many celebrities backing Barack Obama lately,

Batman and the Penguin participated in the Democratic Primaries, but both eventually lost to Hillary.

Batman and the Penguin participated in the Democratic Primaries, but both eventually lost to Hillary.

one of them has finally stood up for McCain: The Penguin.

“My friends, I support Senator McCain because it’s time someone stopped the negativism in this campaign and talked about the real issues. And there’s only one real issue in this campaign: Who really is the Batma… I mean, Barack Obama?” said the Penguin to the Gotham liberal media.

“Who is he? Why does he hide his past? Who does he hang around with? Let me give you the answer, my friends: criminal terrorists. Bill Ayers, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Tony Rezko, The Joker, Poison Ivy, etc. I’m telling you, the guy is a two-face,” explained the Penguin to the press.

“It’s also been completly proven that he is in league with organizations such as ACORN and Lexcorp and preparing the greatest electoral fraud in history. If that’s not an evil masterplan. I don’t know what it is. And believe me, I do know. I took classes with Dick Chenney,” finished the villian.

Batman immediatly reached out for the Democratic candidate to give him his support. “Holy elections, Barack!”

Obama says, among other things, that McCain will “say anything.”

leave a comment »

Tampa, FL, October 20th, (Reuters).- Democratic candidate Barack Obama gave a speech at Tampa, Florida,

Obama accepted that the rumors that he received money from abroad are true. "Yes, Oprah contributed, but please don't call her namesm," asked the candidate.

Obama accepted that the rumors that he received money from abroad are true. "Yes, Oprah contributed, but no name calling, please," asked the candidate.

in which he said many different things in order to appeal to voters. One of them was an attack on McCain, claiming “he (McCain) will say anything, do anything. Now, is there anything you’d like me to say or do?”

He also claimed that the race will tighten as it comes to a close. “That’s what happens at the end of campaigns. Even when there are substantial leads. We can still snatch defeat from victory, so don’t underestimate us. You know, Hillary Clinton is not the first politician to declare ‘Mission Accomplished’ too soon.”

He also spoke about the attacks that he has received lately, mostly from Sarah Palin. “Look, I’ve been called worse on the basketball court.”

He also spoke about the recent endorsement given to him by the former Joint Chief of Staff, Colin Powell. “Until now, I was afraid that he’d join the ‘Blacks against Obama’ group, which, fortunately, is very small. Just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.”

An updated Reagan comment brought cheers from the crowd, “At this rate, the question isn’t just ‘Are you better off now than you were four years ago?’, it’s ‘Are you better off now than four hours ago? The crisis has even affected me and my campaign: I’m accepting change now.”

He ended his speech with a simple comment: “I’m a little too awesome.”

The Palin-McCain ticket goes showbiz. McCain stars on Letterman. Palin on SNL.

with 3 comments

New York, NY, October 17th, 2008, (Reuters).- In an effort to both reach a wider audience and get

Republican candidate John McCain with his first guest David Letterman, laughing at Governor Palin's latest gaffe.

Republican candidate John McCain with his first guest David Letterman, laughing at Governor Palin's latest gaffe.

sympathy from voters, the Palin-McCain ticket has gone into showbiz, starring in famous shows that cover a much bigger audience than their political debates could ever have. Both shows are based in New York.

McCain now stars in his own show, called “The Late Show with John McCain.” To the surprise of everyone, the first guest of the show was its former host, David Letterman.  They talked about the two items that American people care most about: Palin’s qualifications and Obama’s relationship with Ayers.

“They (Obama and Ayers) are driving cross country and having dinner together,” claimed McCain. “And amongst Governor Palin’s greatest qualifications, the best one is that she has stood up for the truth and reminded this (the Obama-Ayers connection) to the American people. And don’t miss her in the next SNL. She will wipe the floor with Tina Fey. Yes, that one.”

When Letterman started asking harder questions, McCain interrupted him, “It’s not the time to raise anyone’s taxes, except yours. I guarantee you when I become president, I’ll do it. First executive order”

“I’m sorry, I screwed up,” apologized Letterman.

McCain finished the show announcing that tomorrow’s guest will be Joe the Plumber.

On the other hand, Governor Sarah Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, will become a permanent member of SNL, substituting Tina Fey who has recently been impersonating Palin.

“It’s about darn time I showed all them (Hockey Moms and Joe Sixpacks) who the real comedian is, and who the person who has palled with terrorists and wants to raise your taxes is,” said Governor Palin, confusing the attacks she was supposed to aim at Fey with the ones she’s been aiming at Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Joe the Plumber stars in Microsoft’s new videogame “Joe Bros.”

leave a comment »

Holland, OH, October 16th, 2008, (Reuters).- Microsoft has announced that Joe Wurzelbacher will be

Joe Sixpack will be the brother of Joe the Plumber and will use red and blue colors to avoid confusion and lawsuits with a famous green and blue clothes videogame character.

Joe Sixpack will be the brother of Joe the Plumber and will use red and blue colors to avoid confusion and lawsuits with a famous green and blue clothed videogame character.

the new star of a new videogame that will come out on November 4th, “Joe Bros.”

The game stars a new character named “Joe the plumber”, who has to go through several stages and complete tasks in order to earn money. Instead of a time clock, a bar dubbed “distribution of wealth” will follow Joe constantly and if it catches up with him, his money will start to be taxed more.

In the first stage, called “Plumbering the Union,” Joe the Plumber has to go through pipes and clean them in record time in order to obtain a plumbing license.

Later, in the “Drowned in documents” stage, Joe the Plumber has to fight against Demokoopa Troopas and legal documents in order to rescue a plumbing business from being overtaxed.

Finally, in the last level, “King Obawser”, Joe the Plumber fights King Obawser himself by evading his policies and cutting the bridge to nowhere in order to make King Obawser finally fall in the polls.

If a second player joins the game, he will take the role of Joe the Plumber’s brother: Joe Sixpack. Both characters can take Maverick Stars that appear at certain locations in the game to turn invincible for a while. They can also take secret Alaskan Oilpipes to drill their way to higher levels.

“Yes, Obama and Democrats are ahead by 6%, we’ve got them just where we want them, mwahahahahaha”: McCain.

leave a comment »

Virginia Beach, VI, October 13th, 2008, (Reuters).- John McCain has changed

Levi Johnston and Bristol together in a Palin-McCain at the Republican Convention. "Fortunatly, Gov. Palin lends us her baby so we can practice parenthood while we have our own," commented Johnston.

Levi Johnston and Bristol together in a Palin-McCain speech at the Republican Convention. "Fortunatly, Gov. Palin lends us her baby so we can practice parenthood while we have our own," commented Johnston.

his rhetoric, claiming that the Democrat taking an advantage of 6 points and leading in all polls and battleground states has been part of his master plan all along.

“My friends, I have some wonderful news for you. Let me give you the state of the race: We have 22 days to go, we’re six points down, the national media has written us off and Obama and Pelosi are already preparing their clothes for the victory speech. We’ve got them just where we want them, mwahahahahah,” explained the Arizona senator.

“Excellent,” replied millionare and contributor to the Palin-McCain campaign, Montgomery Burns.

Elsewhere on the campaign trail, Levi Johnston, Palin’s future son-in-law, spoke about his future marriage with pregnant minor Bristol Palin.

“We’re both love each other and we both plan to have a happy normal married life. I will drop out of school to give my baby the best. I hope he’s a boy and I look forward to having him. I’m going to take him hunting and fishing and gay bashing,” explained Johnston.

He also said his infamous Myspace page was only a joke. “My friends created it and I had nothing to do with it. In fact, I can’t even use a computer, but Senator McCain and I plan to take internet classes together.”

Regarding his political views, Johnston said he was as clueless on the topic as her future mother-in-law is. “I like that guy Obama, but I’m cheering for the Palin-McCain ticket. I just hope she wins. She’s my future mother-in-law and being in office with take her off my back for some years.”

Sarah Palin’s investigation on Sarah Palin finds Sarah Palin innocent of power abuse.

with one comment

Anchorage, AK, October 10th, 2008, (Reuters).- Sarah Palin was found

Sarah Palin winks to the cam as she announces that she found herself innocent of all charges. "Well, darn it, we sure showed 'em how to conduct a six-pack style investigation, didn't we, fellas?"

Sarah Palin winks to the cam as she announces that she found herself innocent of all charges. "Well, darn it, we sure showed 'em how to conduct a six-pack style investigation, didn't we, fellas?"

innocent by the commision formed by Sarah Palin to investigate the accusation of power abuse which had been filed by Sarah Palin against Sarah Palin.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s officials released their report yesterday that clears Sarah Palin of any wrongdoing in the firing of Stormtrooper Walter Monegan.

Sarah Palin is the subject of a legislative investigation into whether she abused her power as governor by firing her public safety commissioner, Stormtrooper Walter Monegan.  Monegan, says he was dismissed for resisting pressure from Palin’s husband, Todd Palin, to fire state police officer Mike Wooten, Palin’s former brother-in-law, and who, according to Palin “made my sister miserable even though she gave him the best years of her life.”

Lawmakers are expected to release their own findings today. Campaign officials for McCain and Palin said the legislative investigation is filled with partisanship and is politically bent, so it’s not objective or fair anymore.

“Sara Palin’s investigation on Sarah Palin, on the contrary, has nothing to win or at stake politically and therefore, it’s objective, reliable and truthful. By the way, Sarah Palin found Sarah Palin innocent,” commented McCain spokesman Taylor Griffin, who distributed the campaign’s report.

Griffin said the report was written by the McCain-Palin campaign staff and based on public filings and interviews with a completly unattached and objective witness: Todd Palin.