The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

Funny news, trivia news, ironic news, sarcastic news and news news.

Posts Tagged ‘joe biden

Secret service releases to the public the secret codenames of the Obamas and the Bidens.

leave a comment »

Washington, D.C., November 11th, 2008, (Reuters).- The United States Secret Service released today

Secret service agents risk their lifes for the good of the country. They also have to disguise themselves according to the occasion. In the picture, Secret agents prepared for the last visit of John Paul II.

Secret service agents risk their lives for the good of the country. They also have to disguise themselves according to the occasion. In the picture, Secret agents prepared for the last visit of John Paul II.

the secret codenames of every member of the Obama and Biden families.

“We figured it would be faster for our agents to learn them if we just posted them on internet and they could look at it whenever they needed. We hope it greatly reduces calls asking questions like ‘What is a code 97 again?’ or ‘is red fish the tall guy or the bald guy?'” said US Secret Service Director, Mark J. Sullivan.

All the Obama family members have secret code names that start with “R”. Initially, they were going to be identified with “N” words, but the Secret Service changed them in order to avoid controversy.

President-elect Obama will be referred in Secret Service agents’ walkie-talkies as “Renegade.” Because he’s “never been afraid to say what’s on his mind at any given time of day,” explained Sullivan. “Michelle Obama is secret coded as “Renaissance”, because for the first time in her life, she will be proud of her country.”

Unlike the Obamas, the Bidens’ secret codes start with the letter “C”. “Joe Biden’s secret codename is ‘Celtic’, due to his similarity with the Boston basketball team’s long but not so glamorous record. On the other hand, his wife Jill is codenamed ‘Capri’ because she’s old, well built and convertible,” finished Sullivan.

Advertisements

Two new superheroes come to rescue America: Liberating Liberal and Mega Maverick.

leave a comment »

Washington, D.C., October 8th, 2008, (Reuters).- As of today, America will be safer than ever, as two new

Liberating Liberal and Mega Maverick are here to save the day.

Liberating Liberal and Mega Maverick are here to save the day.

superheroes just came out to defend American economy (from Bush) and attack the terrorists (in Iran).

Liberating Liberal vowed to protect Americans, and in particular middle class Americans and their wallets from evil villians such as Texas Terror and Viceful Vice. His powers include almost instant teleportation, (for example, he can go from St. Louis to Kansas City in a blink), magnetic fields handling, (which he uses to disarm people who cling to their guns) and mind controling (to bend the press’s will his way).

Mega Maverick, on the other hand, is out to attack all those who might give reasonable probability that in the future, they may or may not harm America. His main enemies are Iraqi Iranian and Eevil Eenternet. His powers include force barriers (to protect his sidekick, Hindering Hockeymom), self-cloning (to visit all of his houses at the same time), and immortality (so that he can stay in Iraq for 100 years).

Each of them is accompanied by a sidekick. Liberating Liberal is assisted by Bumbling Biden while Mega Maverick is accompanied by Hindering Hockeymom. Their powers are not as impressive. Hindering Hockeymom has invisibility, which she uses to escape from “gotcha” media and appear only in safe places, while Bumbling Biden does best when he does nothing at all.

Palin from the Palin-McCain ticket plays it safe.

leave a comment »

The villages, FL, September 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- Sarah Palin played it safe

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house."

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house," commented Palin.

 Sunday on her first trip on the campaign she now calls “the Palin-McCain ticket” to the battleground state of Florida.

In order to show how sure she is of her credentials, she went to perhaps the easiest place in Florida to get a large Republican turnout, stuck mostly to the themes she’s hit since the Republican convention and took no questions from reporters or the crowd.

Nevertheless, she was welcomed like a star, with tens of thousands cramming into a plaza and nearby streets. Some waited more than five hours in 92-degree heat to see her speak for 23 minutes. Palin told the crowd her daughters Piper and Willow got to go to Disney World, although this time they will be flanked by security in order to avoid any other embarrassing suprise pregnancy.

Her remarks hit most of the same points she’s made since McCain chose her. She did, however, update the stump speech to reflect last week’s turmoil in the financial markets.

“This week when the economic crisis threatened the livelihood of millions of Americans, John McCain took a clear stand and supported the goverment bailout even if he’s always condemned government bailouts. Our opponent refused to even take a stand on the position,” Palin said.

In another show of how much the party trusts Palin’s capacity, the Palin-McCain campaign has asked to reduce time for questions and answers in the Palin-Biden debate and to completly eliminate any interaction between the debaters. “We want her to focus on giving our message, rather than to be defending herself. We believe it could save us some money in air time,” a Palin-McCain campaign spokesperson said.

When asked about her lack of credentials in foreign relationships, he answered “Nonsense. We have checked her knowledge on the subject with very throughout questions, like ‘What foreign country is the closest to Alaska?’ and she answered ‘Russia’ before we even finished asking the question. Of course, with all that pressure anyone can forget that the correct answer is Canada, but we still believe she’s more than ready to be a heart attack away from the presidency.”

Presidential candidates choose VPs. Palin is chosen as Republican VP.

leave a comment »

Dayton, OH, August 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- In a move that suprised both friends and foes, Republican

Sarah Palin was chosen for the Republican Vice Presidential ticket. Rumors say that she was choses so that viewers would finally be motivated to watch the Republican Ads.

Sarah Palin was chosen for the Republican Vice Presidential ticket. Rumors say that she was chosen so that viewers would finally be motivated to watch the Republican Ads.

candidate for presidency, John McCain announced that Palin will be his vice presidential running mate for the elections.

Palin drew criticism from both Republicans and Democrats, “First, he’s a comedian, not a polititian, second, he’s British,” commented a reporter in the press conference.

“No, no, you little jerk, I mean Sarah Palin, not Michael Palin, you dumbf(expletive)”

“Who?”, asked the assembly unanimously.

Alaska’s governor, Sarah Palin, who happens to be the hottest governor in the US, was asked on what she plans to do as a VP, “As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does everyday.”

John McCain quickly answered that question; “The role of the vicepresident is to break ties in the senate and inquire daily into the health of the president.”

When asked on how he conducted the VP selection process, McCain replied, “Well, basically, it was a google.”

Reporters inquired further if he conducted the google himself, “I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon enough, getting on myself. I don’t expect to be a great communicator, I don’t expect to set up my own blog, but I am becoming computer literate to the point where I can get the information that I need,” explained the senator.

“Do you use a Mac or a PC?” asked another reporter. “I am illiterate and have to rely on my wife  for all the assistance I can get,” answered the candidate.

The announcement came just a few days after Democratic candidate Barack Obama had announced Joe Biden as his vicepresidential running mate.

“Let me introduce to you the next President, the next VICE president of the United States of America, Joe Biden,” said Obama to an audience at Denver.

In turn, Joe Biden, spoke wonders about the presidential candidate, “I mean you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy. A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States, Barack America!”

When asked on how far he’s taking his message, the Democratic candidate answered “I’ve now been in 57 states, I think one left to go.”

Obama has fun keeping polititians guessing who his VP will be.

leave a comment »

"You should see your faces," Obama remarked as jumpy potential VPs hire consultants to decipher any hidden meaning in Obama's speeches.

"You should see your faces," laughs candidate Obama as jumpy VP hopefuls hire expensive consultants to decipher any hidden message in Obama's latest speeches.

Washington, D.C., August 22nd, 2008, (Reuters).- Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is having the time of his life by keeping fellow democrats guessing if they will be the lucky one chosen for his running VP.

“Ok, ok, I’ll give you some clues… it could be a man or a woman, but in any case he or she will be a ….. DEMOCRAT!!” remarked Obama as he broke in laughter.

There are several potential VPs who care a lot about the choice but pretend they don’t.

Representative Chet Edwards from Texas said “the possibility of me not being chosen is the same as I allowing a gay marriage, even if I win by only a very slim margin.”

Delaware senator Joe Biden commented “It would be an honor to run along the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, and clean and a nice looking guy. I mean, that would be a storybook, man.”

Indiana junior senator Evan Byah remarked, “Certanly my wife’s companies could use all the help we and senator Obama could give them. Sorry, I mean, the other way around.”

Virginia governor Tim Kaine declared, “Senator Obama needs someone who takes a firm stand on his beliefs. I have very good principles, and if people don’t like them, I have others. But if he doesn’t take me, I could work for McCain as well.”

Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius added, “not every Democratic woman is like Hillary Clinton, and NO, I’m NOT related to Professor Snape.”

Hillary Clinton finished, “I’ll do what’s best for my country, even if it means re-opening the Democratic presidential candidate election so that the people of America can have the chance to reconsider their error.”