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Posts Tagged ‘McCain

Sarah Palin’s investigation on Sarah Palin finds Sarah Palin innocent of power abuse.

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Anchorage, AK, October 10th, 2008, (Reuters).- Sarah Palin was found

Sarah Palin winks to the cam as she announces that she found herself innocent of all charges. "Well, darn it, we sure showed 'em how to conduct a six-pack style investigation, didn't we, fellas?"

Sarah Palin winks to the cam as she announces that she found herself innocent of all charges. "Well, darn it, we sure showed 'em how to conduct a six-pack style investigation, didn't we, fellas?"

innocent by the commision formed by Sarah Palin to investigate the accusation of power abuse which had been filed by Sarah Palin against Sarah Palin.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s officials released their report yesterday that clears Sarah Palin of any wrongdoing in the firing of Stormtrooper Walter Monegan.

Sarah Palin is the subject of a legislative investigation into whether she abused her power as governor by firing her public safety commissioner, Stormtrooper Walter Monegan.  Monegan, says he was dismissed for resisting pressure from Palin’s husband, Todd Palin, to fire state police officer Mike Wooten, Palin’s former brother-in-law, and who, according to Palin “made my sister miserable even though she gave him the best years of her life.”

Lawmakers are expected to release their own findings today. Campaign officials for McCain and Palin said the legislative investigation is filled with partisanship and is politically bent, so it’s not objective or fair anymore.

“Sara Palin’s investigation on Sarah Palin, on the contrary, has nothing to win or at stake politically and therefore, it’s objective, reliable and truthful. By the way, Sarah Palin found Sarah Palin innocent,” commented McCain spokesman Taylor Griffin, who distributed the campaign’s report.

Griffin said the report was written by the McCain-Palin campaign staff and based on public filings and interviews with a completly unattached and objective witness: Todd Palin.

Two new superheroes come to rescue America: Liberating Liberal and Mega Maverick.

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Washington, D.C., October 8th, 2008, (Reuters).- As of today, America will be safer than ever, as two new

Liberating Liberal and Mega Maverick are here to save the day.

Liberating Liberal and Mega Maverick are here to save the day.

superheroes just came out to defend American economy (from Bush) and attack the terrorists (in Iran).

Liberating Liberal vowed to protect Americans, and in particular middle class Americans and their wallets from evil villians such as Texas Terror and Viceful Vice. His powers include almost instant teleportation, (for example, he can go from St. Louis to Kansas City in a blink), magnetic fields handling, (which he uses to disarm people who cling to their guns) and mind controling (to bend the press’s will his way).

Mega Maverick, on the other hand, is out to attack all those who might give reasonable probability that in the future, they may or may not harm America. His main enemies are Iraqi Iranian and Eevil Eenternet. His powers include force barriers (to protect his sidekick, Hindering Hockeymom), self-cloning (to visit all of his houses at the same time), and immortality (so that he can stay in Iraq for 100 years).

Each of them is accompanied by a sidekick. Liberating Liberal is assisted by Bumbling Biden while Mega Maverick is accompanied by Hindering Hockeymom. Their powers are not as impressive. Hindering Hockeymom has invisibility, which she uses to escape from “gotcha” media and appear only in safe places, while Bumbling Biden does best when he does nothing at all.

Homer Simpson will vote for Obama. Flanders says Palin is the most Okely Dokely of politicians.

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Springfield, Fox, October 2nd, 2008, (Reuters).- After watching tonight’s

Barack Obama is not too happy with Homer Simpson becoming his fan. "He makes Sarah Palin look smart"

Barack Obama is not too happy with Homer Simpson becoming his fan. "This guy makes Sarah Palin look smart."

debate, most people in Springfield finally took a stand in the presidential election. Homer decided to vote for Obama. Flanders thinks Sarah Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, will defend family values and morals.

In an exclusive interview with Kent Brockman from KBBL-TV channel 6 news, Homer Simpson declared that he will vote for Obama in the next election. “It’s time we have someone well versed on foreign relationships and national defense that will handle the economy well under the umbrella of jobs creations. He’s also connecting with the national feelings of opposing the Iraq war while we go and bomb Iran. I hope he plays the sax and is as cool as Bill Clinton. And he’s for controlling beer prices, mmmmmm, beeeeeeeeeeer.”

Oh the other hand, in a street interview, average Springfield citizen Ned Flanders said he supports Palin 100%. “I think it’s God’s will that she’s just a heartstroke away from the presidency. She will finally get creationism taught at public schools and defend us from our next door neighbors who happen to be foreign countries. She will also stop the killing of innocent babies and challenge other supreme court rulings that I’ll tell you later. And she will pray for our military men and women who are out on a task that’s sent by God. Yes, siree, that’s exactly what they’re going to do in a Palin and McCain administration. Do I think McCain is hurting her chances? Perhaps so.”

First debate polls show that Americans don’t understand statistics.

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Washington, DC, September 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- Just two days after the

McCain repeating a question to Obama's good ear because he couldn't hear it the first time.

McCain repeating a question to Obama's good ear because he couldn't hear it the first time.

first presidential debate that took place in the campus of the University of Mississippi Friday night, different polls have confirmed a tendency that experts had been long suspecting: Americans don’t understand statistics.

The CNN poll conducted after the debate with 501 undecided voters had the following results:

64% didn’t understand what “percentage” is.

24% thought an error margin was a page not being printed the right way.

13% said there was nothing better on TV that night.

The CBS poll involved telephone interviews with 524 adults and 3 minors and gave the following results:

35% found out that Obama really is black.

35% found out that McCain really is old.

31% felt dissapointed because Tina Fey didn’t show up.

Finally, the Fox News poll involved online interviews and gave the following results:

45% wanted to see more pics of Palin in her stars and stripes bikini.

32% asked for our credit card number in exchange of naked pictures.

23% were busy sending “internets” for their computer illiterate husbands.

1% noticed that the percentages on these polls didn’t add 100%.

1% went ahead and did the math just now.

Palin from the Palin-McCain ticket plays it safe.

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The villages, FL, September 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- Sarah Palin played it safe

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house."

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house," commented Palin.

 Sunday on her first trip on the campaign she now calls “the Palin-McCain ticket” to the battleground state of Florida.

In order to show how sure she is of her credentials, she went to perhaps the easiest place in Florida to get a large Republican turnout, stuck mostly to the themes she’s hit since the Republican convention and took no questions from reporters or the crowd.

Nevertheless, she was welcomed like a star, with tens of thousands cramming into a plaza and nearby streets. Some waited more than five hours in 92-degree heat to see her speak for 23 minutes. Palin told the crowd her daughters Piper and Willow got to go to Disney World, although this time they will be flanked by security in order to avoid any other embarrassing suprise pregnancy.

Her remarks hit most of the same points she’s made since McCain chose her. She did, however, update the stump speech to reflect last week’s turmoil in the financial markets.

“This week when the economic crisis threatened the livelihood of millions of Americans, John McCain took a clear stand and supported the goverment bailout even if he’s always condemned government bailouts. Our opponent refused to even take a stand on the position,” Palin said.

In another show of how much the party trusts Palin’s capacity, the Palin-McCain campaign has asked to reduce time for questions and answers in the Palin-Biden debate and to completly eliminate any interaction between the debaters. “We want her to focus on giving our message, rather than to be defending herself. We believe it could save us some money in air time,” a Palin-McCain campaign spokesperson said.

When asked about her lack of credentials in foreign relationships, he answered “Nonsense. We have checked her knowledge on the subject with very throughout questions, like ‘What foreign country is the closest to Alaska?’ and she answered ‘Russia’ before we even finished asking the question. Of course, with all that pressure anyone can forget that the correct answer is Canada, but we still believe she’s more than ready to be a heart attack away from the presidency.”

The Government suspends stock trading to stop market meltdown

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Moscow, Russia (or New York, NY?), September 17th, 2008, (Reuters).- Today, the government suspended

This graphic shows how the markets and the economy are solid and sound. Nobody knows where though.

This graphic shows how the markets and the economy are solid and sound. Nobody knows where though.

trading on its two main stock markets for a second day Wednesday as shares nosedived and officials pledged 44 billion dollars to fight collapsing investor confidence.

The move came a day after stocks suffered their worst drop since the 1998 financial crisis, with the RTS falling 11.47 percent Tuesday and the MICEX down 17.45 despite a one-hour suspension of trading on both markets. Analysts aren’t sure if this happened in Moscow or Wall Street.

Meantime, candidates are adjusting their messages to adjust to the reality.

Democratic hopeful Barack Obama talks directly into the camera in his new ad on how on he’ll fix an economy in which “paychecks are flat and home values are falling. Unless there is change, my change, your 1.6 million dollar houses, like mine, will be worth only 1 million in the next 4 years.”

On the other hand, McCain and running mate Sarah Palin softened opposition to government bailouts, accepting the U.S. takeover of the nation’s largest insurer as unfortunate but necessary to protect ordinary American seven house owners.

“The shot that has been called by the Feds — it’s understandable but very, very disappointing that taxpayers are called upon another one,” Palin told reporters during a visit to delicatessen in Cleveland. It wasn’t clear if she was meaning the bailout, the campaign expenses or the cost of both recently held national conventions.

Written by Flippyman

September 18, 2008 at 1:21 am

“Sarah Palin is perfect VP material”; Sarah Palin

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St. Paul, MN, September 2nd, 2008, (Reuters).- One day before her speech at

Sarah Palin supports shotguns as mosquito repelents, snowmobile credits for low income families, and making moose hunting season a national holiday.

Sarah Palin supports shotguns as mosquito repelents, snowmobile credits for low income families, and making moose hunting season a national holiday.

the Republican convention, Republican Vice President hopeful Sarah Palin sought to ditch the rumors that she doesn’t have the experience to be a vice president and potential president as well as to quiet the rumors about her inability to run her own family.

“I’m excellent VP material,” Palin explained. “I have many qualities that completment McCain’s blanks, for example, a life expectancy of more than 3 years.”

“I also make a very good resources administrator. Why, I have my personal attorney, Van Flein, on the state’s payroll. That’s a savings of $95,000 dollars alone. He will clearly demonstrate to the ethics commission that I don’t mix personal business with state business.”

On the Troopergate, she explained, “the fact that that damn bastard ditched my sister after she gave him the best years of her life, and still has a job, doesn’t mean that I would fire the man that had to fire him. In any case, my personal attorney who I appointed as the state attorney is investigating my case to prove my innocence.”

Regarding her daughter Bristol’s pregancy, she commented, “Well, that just goes to prove that abstinence is the best sex teaching to youngsters. If only it was taught as the only sex option in schools. However, ma princess Bristol and the young man, Levi, that she will marry, are going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the love and support of great-great-grandda McCain who has already offered them a room in one of his houses,  if only he could remember which.”

Finally, Wasilla Mayor Dianne Keller, added that Palin’s work as former Wasilla Mayor is almost the same as running the country. “The process for running the city of Wasilla is probably much like the process of running our country. You hand out gun licences for bear shooting, authorize mooseburger restaurants and have the Russians a few miles away.”