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Posts Tagged ‘Sarah Palin

Homer Simpson will vote for Obama. Flanders says Palin is the most Okely Dokely of politicians.

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Springfield, Fox, October 2nd, 2008, (Reuters).- After watching tonight’s

Barack Obama is not too happy with Homer Simpson becoming his fan. "He makes Sarah Palin look smart"

Barack Obama is not too happy with Homer Simpson becoming his fan. "This guy makes Sarah Palin look smart."

debate, most people in Springfield finally took a stand in the presidential election. Homer decided to vote for Obama. Flanders thinks Sarah Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, will defend family values and morals.

In an exclusive interview with Kent Brockman from KBBL-TV channel 6 news, Homer Simpson declared that he will vote for Obama in the next election. “It’s time we have someone well versed on foreign relationships and national defense that will handle the economy well under the umbrella of jobs creations. He’s also connecting with the national feelings of opposing the Iraq war while we go and bomb Iran. I hope he plays the sax and is as cool as Bill Clinton. And he’s for controlling beer prices, mmmmmm, beeeeeeeeeeer.”

Oh the other hand, in a street interview, average Springfield citizen Ned Flanders said he supports Palin 100%. “I think it’s God’s will that she’s just a heartstroke away from the presidency. She will finally get creationism taught at public schools and defend us from our next door neighbors who happen to be foreign countries. She will also stop the killing of innocent babies and challenge other supreme court rulings that I’ll tell you later. And she will pray for our military men and women who are out on a task that’s sent by God. Yes, siree, that’s exactly what they’re going to do in a Palin and McCain administration. Do I think McCain is hurting her chances? Perhaps so.”

First Dudes’ debate goes well. “I just love Todd’s snow machine.”: Bill.

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New York, NY, September 24th, 2008, (Reuters).- The first First Dudes’

se me olvido

Todd giving Palin from the Palin-McCain ticket advice privatley in a clear, unambiguous way that doesn't make her look weak, as advised by Bill.

debate went smoothly, with Bill Clinton praising Todd’s ability to race snowmobiles. “I like it a lot,” he commented.

Fox’s Greta Van Susteren was the moderator in the debate in which Todd kept mostly silent while Bill offered him advice.

“It’s funny than when they hear ‘Clinton’ or ‘Palin’, it’s not us that people think about anymore, I feel a bit left out,” said Todd in one of his brief declarations.

Bill replied “Alaska’s First Dude is doing just fine.”

He also offered advise to Todd, who was resting his head on Bill’s shoulder, “Whenever you start changing the deck chairs and gender roles and family roles, you have to be prepared for psychological, as well as political, sparks to fly.”

“What do you think I should do?” asked Todd, to which Bill answered “the trick is to give support that is unambiguous and clear and to also be there with advise privatley, but do it in a way that doesn’t, in a funny way, make her look weak.”

Todd confessed to Bill that he felt intimidated by the media. Bill replied “Keep that smile, don’t get defensive, try to answer the best that you can and go on.”

The debate ended with Bill saying he admires Todd. “He must have something going if he can finish that 500 mile race with a broken arm,” Bill praised Todd.

Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, takes a fast course in world leaders with REAL world leaders. “More fun than wikipedia”:Palin

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New York, NY, September 23rd, 2008, (Reuters).- In order to boost her

Sarah Palin with the girl she was assigned to work with in her new geography class. "I wish they had assigned me someone mature and who at least knew the capital of Mexico," said the small girl.

Sarah Palin with the girl she was assigned to work with in her new geography class. "I wish they had assigned me with someone mature and who at least knew what the capital of Mexico is," said the small girl.

foreign relations credentials beyond seeing Russia from her house, the Palin-McCain campaign is having Sarah Palin take a crash course in word leaders by having them parade in front of her in next week’s United Nations General Assembly. She will be able to take notes on the names that are too hard for her to pronounce.

“Well, since I had never met a foreign head of state, like none of the previous vice-presidential candidates in history did, and I had never traveled outside the US until last year when I went to Canada to get some cheap medicines, the Palin-McCain campaign thought it would be a good idea to have a show-and-tell class of world leaders. It certanly beats looking them up in wikipedia,” commented Palin.

The first on the list was US-imposed Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “The encounter went remarcably well. We spoke for hours,” said Palin. “Next time I might even have a translator to find out what he’s telling me.”

Next on the list are (in order of apparition), Colombian president Alvaro Uribe, Georgian president Mikhail Saakashvili, Ukranian president Viktor Yuschenko, Iraqi president Jalal Talibani, Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari and Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh.

“We thought it’d be important for her to meet the presidents the US placed on the Iraqi and Afghan governments first, as well as the presidents of those countries who provided troops or permissions to use their territories in the Afghanistan and Iraq wars,” said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt. “After the parade, she will have a quick test on names and color flag matching, but she will be able to use her notes and we don’t count spelling mistakes for the grade.”

Reporters who wanted to see the encounters were banned initially. “We don’t want to get her nervous, so let’s keep the cameras in and the questions out, mmmkay?” had said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt ealier. When the media refused to give coverage, Schmitt relented “it was all just a misscommunication oopsie, ya really didn’t think I was serious, did ya?”

Palin from the Palin-McCain ticket plays it safe.

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The villages, FL, September 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- Sarah Palin played it safe

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house."

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house," commented Palin.

 Sunday on her first trip on the campaign she now calls “the Palin-McCain ticket” to the battleground state of Florida.

In order to show how sure she is of her credentials, she went to perhaps the easiest place in Florida to get a large Republican turnout, stuck mostly to the themes she’s hit since the Republican convention and took no questions from reporters or the crowd.

Nevertheless, she was welcomed like a star, with tens of thousands cramming into a plaza and nearby streets. Some waited more than five hours in 92-degree heat to see her speak for 23 minutes. Palin told the crowd her daughters Piper and Willow got to go to Disney World, although this time they will be flanked by security in order to avoid any other embarrassing suprise pregnancy.

Her remarks hit most of the same points she’s made since McCain chose her. She did, however, update the stump speech to reflect last week’s turmoil in the financial markets.

“This week when the economic crisis threatened the livelihood of millions of Americans, John McCain took a clear stand and supported the goverment bailout even if he’s always condemned government bailouts. Our opponent refused to even take a stand on the position,” Palin said.

In another show of how much the party trusts Palin’s capacity, the Palin-McCain campaign has asked to reduce time for questions and answers in the Palin-Biden debate and to completly eliminate any interaction between the debaters. “We want her to focus on giving our message, rather than to be defending herself. We believe it could save us some money in air time,” a Palin-McCain campaign spokesperson said.

When asked about her lack of credentials in foreign relationships, he answered “Nonsense. We have checked her knowledge on the subject with very throughout questions, like ‘What foreign country is the closest to Alaska?’ and she answered ‘Russia’ before we even finished asking the question. Of course, with all that pressure anyone can forget that the correct answer is Canada, but we still believe she’s more than ready to be a heart attack away from the presidency.”

Palin’s husband refuses to testify. “She would fire me out of the house”: First Dude.

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The McCain-Palin's campaign has decided to issue a different independent subpoena for Todd Palin that isn't tainted with political context.

The McCain-Palin's campaign has decided to issue a different independent subpoena for Todd Palin that isn't politically tainted with partisanship.

Anchorage, AK, September 18th, 2008, (Reuters).- Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin’s husband has refused to testify in the investigation of his wife’s alleged abuse of power, and key lawmakers said Thursday that uncooperative witnesses are effectively sidetracking the probe until after Election Day. 
 
Todd Palin, who, unlike McCain, can send “internets” and participates in state business by e-mail, was among 13 people subpoenaed by the Alaska Legislature. Palin’s lawyer sent a letter to the lead investigator saying Palin objected to the probe and would not appear to testify on Friday.

“The objections boil down to the fact that the Legislative Council investigation is no longer a legitimate investigation because it has been subjected to complete partisanship and does not operate with the authority that it had at the time of its initial authorization,” McCain-Palin presidential campaign spokesman Ed O’Callaghan said. “We refuse to allow this blatant manipulation of procedures for political gain until after the election so that we can win it.”

Sarah Palin initially welcomed the bipartisan investigation into accusations that she dismissed the state’s public safety commissioner because he refused to fire her ex-brother-in-law, a state trooper. “Hold me accountable,” she said to an accountant at the time.

But she has increasingly opposed it since Republican presidential candidate John McCain tapped her as his running mate. Now she claims that she was missunderstood as she clearly said “Hold me a corner table.”

The McCain campaign dispatched a legal team to Alaska including O’Callaghan, a former top U.S. terrorism prosecutor from New York to bolster Palin’s local lawyer. “There’s no need to alarm, there’s nothing to worry about, it’s going to be perfectly fine. His fees are going to be payed with campaign contributions,” McCain reassured his top aides.

In the letter, Palin attorney Thomas Van Flein, who in addition to representing the Palins also represents the state of Alaka lists nine objections to the Legislature’s investigation into Gov. Palin. Van Flein also argues the subpoena is “unduly burdensome” because Palin has travel plans that require him to be out of the state. “This legislation clearly violates the people who might have broken the law’s right to do as they please and leave the state and go where the state powers have no jurisdiction, now that’ll be 150 dollars please,” said the attorney.

“Sarah Palin is perfect VP material”; Sarah Palin

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St. Paul, MN, September 2nd, 2008, (Reuters).- One day before her speech at

Sarah Palin supports shotguns as mosquito repelents, snowmobile credits for low income families, and making moose hunting season a national holiday.

Sarah Palin supports shotguns as mosquito repelents, snowmobile credits for low income families, and making moose hunting season a national holiday.

the Republican convention, Republican Vice President hopeful Sarah Palin sought to ditch the rumors that she doesn’t have the experience to be a vice president and potential president as well as to quiet the rumors about her inability to run her own family.

“I’m excellent VP material,” Palin explained. “I have many qualities that completment McCain’s blanks, for example, a life expectancy of more than 3 years.”

“I also make a very good resources administrator. Why, I have my personal attorney, Van Flein, on the state’s payroll. That’s a savings of $95,000 dollars alone. He will clearly demonstrate to the ethics commission that I don’t mix personal business with state business.”

On the Troopergate, she explained, “the fact that that damn bastard ditched my sister after she gave him the best years of her life, and still has a job, doesn’t mean that I would fire the man that had to fire him. In any case, my personal attorney who I appointed as the state attorney is investigating my case to prove my innocence.”

Regarding her daughter Bristol’s pregancy, she commented, “Well, that just goes to prove that abstinence is the best sex teaching to youngsters. If only it was taught as the only sex option in schools. However, ma princess Bristol and the young man, Levi, that she will marry, are going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the love and support of great-great-grandda McCain who has already offered them a room in one of his houses,  if only he could remember which.”

Finally, Wasilla Mayor Dianne Keller, added that Palin’s work as former Wasilla Mayor is almost the same as running the country. “The process for running the city of Wasilla is probably much like the process of running our country. You hand out gun licences for bear shooting, authorize mooseburger restaurants and have the Russians a few miles away.”

Presidential candidates choose VPs. Palin is chosen as Republican VP.

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Dayton, OH, August 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- In a move that suprised both friends and foes, Republican

Sarah Palin was chosen for the Republican Vice Presidential ticket. Rumors say that she was choses so that viewers would finally be motivated to watch the Republican Ads.

Sarah Palin was chosen for the Republican Vice Presidential ticket. Rumors say that she was chosen so that viewers would finally be motivated to watch the Republican Ads.

candidate for presidency, John McCain announced that Palin will be his vice presidential running mate for the elections.

Palin drew criticism from both Republicans and Democrats, “First, he’s a comedian, not a polititian, second, he’s British,” commented a reporter in the press conference.

“No, no, you little jerk, I mean Sarah Palin, not Michael Palin, you dumbf(expletive)”

“Who?”, asked the assembly unanimously.

Alaska’s governor, Sarah Palin, who happens to be the hottest governor in the US, was asked on what she plans to do as a VP, “As for that VP talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does everyday.”

John McCain quickly answered that question; “The role of the vicepresident is to break ties in the senate and inquire daily into the health of the president.”

When asked on how he conducted the VP selection process, McCain replied, “Well, basically, it was a google.”

Reporters inquired further if he conducted the google himself, “I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon enough, getting on myself. I don’t expect to be a great communicator, I don’t expect to set up my own blog, but I am becoming computer literate to the point where I can get the information that I need,” explained the senator.

“Do you use a Mac or a PC?” asked another reporter. “I am illiterate and have to rely on my wife  for all the assistance I can get,” answered the candidate.

The announcement came just a few days after Democratic candidate Barack Obama had announced Joe Biden as his vicepresidential running mate.

“Let me introduce to you the next President, the next VICE president of the United States of America, Joe Biden,” said Obama to an audience at Denver.

In turn, Joe Biden, spoke wonders about the presidential candidate, “I mean you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice looking guy. A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States, Barack America!”

When asked on how far he’s taking his message, the Democratic candidate answered “I’ve now been in 57 states, I think one left to go.”