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Posts Tagged ‘Sarah Palin

“Yes, Obama and Democrats are ahead by 6%, we’ve got them just where we want them, mwahahahahaha”: McCain.

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Virginia Beach, VI, October 13th, 2008, (Reuters).- John McCain has changed

Levi Johnston and Bristol together in a Palin-McCain at the Republican Convention. "Fortunatly, Gov. Palin lends us her baby so we can practice parenthood while we have our own," commented Johnston.

Levi Johnston and Bristol together in a Palin-McCain speech at the Republican Convention. "Fortunatly, Gov. Palin lends us her baby so we can practice parenthood while we have our own," commented Johnston.

his rhetoric, claiming that the Democrat taking an advantage of 6 points and leading in all polls and battleground states has been part of his master plan all along.

“My friends, I have some wonderful news for you. Let me give you the state of the race: We have 22 days to go, we’re six points down, the national media has written us off and Obama and Pelosi are already preparing their clothes for the victory speech. We’ve got them just where we want them, mwahahahahah,” explained the Arizona senator.

“Excellent,” replied millionare and contributor to the Palin-McCain campaign, Montgomery Burns.

Elsewhere on the campaign trail, Levi Johnston, Palin’s future son-in-law, spoke about his future marriage with pregnant minor Bristol Palin.

“We’re both love each other and we both plan to have a happy normal married life. I will drop out of school to give my baby the best. I hope he’s a boy and I look forward to having him. I’m going to take him hunting and fishing and gay bashing,” explained Johnston.

He also said his infamous Myspace page was only a joke. “My friends created it and I had nothing to do with it. In fact, I can’t even use a computer, but Senator McCain and I plan to take internet classes together.”

Regarding his political views, Johnston said he was as clueless on the topic as her future mother-in-law is. “I like that guy Obama, but I’m cheering for the Palin-McCain ticket. I just hope she wins. She’s my future mother-in-law and being in office with take her off my back for some years.”

Sarah Palin’s investigation on Sarah Palin finds Sarah Palin innocent of power abuse.

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Anchorage, AK, October 10th, 2008, (Reuters).- Sarah Palin was found

Sarah Palin winks to the cam as she announces that she found herself innocent of all charges. "Well, darn it, we sure showed 'em how to conduct a six-pack style investigation, didn't we, fellas?"

Sarah Palin winks to the cam as she announces that she found herself innocent of all charges. "Well, darn it, we sure showed 'em how to conduct a six-pack style investigation, didn't we, fellas?"

innocent by the commision formed by Sarah Palin to investigate the accusation of power abuse which had been filed by Sarah Palin against Sarah Palin.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s officials released their report yesterday that clears Sarah Palin of any wrongdoing in the firing of Stormtrooper Walter Monegan.

Sarah Palin is the subject of a legislative investigation into whether she abused her power as governor by firing her public safety commissioner, Stormtrooper Walter Monegan.  Monegan, says he was dismissed for resisting pressure from Palin’s husband, Todd Palin, to fire state police officer Mike Wooten, Palin’s former brother-in-law, and who, according to Palin “made my sister miserable even though she gave him the best years of her life.”

Lawmakers are expected to release their own findings today. Campaign officials for McCain and Palin said the legislative investigation is filled with partisanship and is politically bent, so it’s not objective or fair anymore.

“Sara Palin’s investigation on Sarah Palin, on the contrary, has nothing to win or at stake politically and therefore, it’s objective, reliable and truthful. By the way, Sarah Palin found Sarah Palin innocent,” commented McCain spokesman Taylor Griffin, who distributed the campaign’s report.

Griffin said the report was written by the McCain-Palin campaign staff and based on public filings and interviews with a completly unattached and objective witness: Todd Palin.

Two new superheroes come to rescue America: Liberating Liberal and Mega Maverick.

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Washington, D.C., October 8th, 2008, (Reuters).- As of today, America will be safer than ever, as two new

Liberating Liberal and Mega Maverick are here to save the day.

Liberating Liberal and Mega Maverick are here to save the day.

superheroes just came out to defend American economy (from Bush) and attack the terrorists (in Iran).

Liberating Liberal vowed to protect Americans, and in particular middle class Americans and their wallets from evil villians such as Texas Terror and Viceful Vice. His powers include almost instant teleportation, (for example, he can go from St. Louis to Kansas City in a blink), magnetic fields handling, (which he uses to disarm people who cling to their guns) and mind controling (to bend the press’s will his way).

Mega Maverick, on the other hand, is out to attack all those who might give reasonable probability that in the future, they may or may not harm America. His main enemies are Iraqi Iranian and Eevil Eenternet. His powers include force barriers (to protect his sidekick, Hindering Hockeymom), self-cloning (to visit all of his houses at the same time), and immortality (so that he can stay in Iraq for 100 years).

Each of them is accompanied by a sidekick. Liberating Liberal is assisted by Bumbling Biden while Mega Maverick is accompanied by Hindering Hockeymom. Their powers are not as impressive. Hindering Hockeymom has invisibility, which she uses to escape from “gotcha” media and appear only in safe places, while Bumbling Biden does best when he does nothing at all.

Homer Simpson will vote for Obama. Flanders says Palin is the most Okely Dokely of politicians.

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Springfield, Fox, October 2nd, 2008, (Reuters).- After watching tonight’s

Barack Obama is not too happy with Homer Simpson becoming his fan. "He makes Sarah Palin look smart"

Barack Obama is not too happy with Homer Simpson becoming his fan. "This guy makes Sarah Palin look smart."

debate, most people in Springfield finally took a stand in the presidential election. Homer decided to vote for Obama. Flanders thinks Sarah Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, will defend family values and morals.

In an exclusive interview with Kent Brockman from KBBL-TV channel 6 news, Homer Simpson declared that he will vote for Obama in the next election. “It’s time we have someone well versed on foreign relationships and national defense that will handle the economy well under the umbrella of jobs creations. He’s also connecting with the national feelings of opposing the Iraq war while we go and bomb Iran. I hope he plays the sax and is as cool as Bill Clinton. And he’s for controlling beer prices, mmmmmm, beeeeeeeeeeer.”

Oh the other hand, in a street interview, average Springfield citizen Ned Flanders said he supports Palin 100%. “I think it’s God’s will that she’s just a heartstroke away from the presidency. She will finally get creationism taught at public schools and defend us from our next door neighbors who happen to be foreign countries. She will also stop the killing of innocent babies and challenge other supreme court rulings that I’ll tell you later. And she will pray for our military men and women who are out on a task that’s sent by God. Yes, siree, that’s exactly what they’re going to do in a Palin and McCain administration. Do I think McCain is hurting her chances? Perhaps so.”

First Dudes’ debate goes well. “I just love Todd’s snow machine.”: Bill.

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New York, NY, September 24th, 2008, (Reuters).- The first First Dudes’

se me olvido

Todd giving Palin from the Palin-McCain ticket advice privatley in a clear, unambiguous way that doesn't make her look weak, as advised by Bill.

debate went smoothly, with Bill Clinton praising Todd’s ability to race snowmobiles. “I like it a lot,” he commented.

Fox’s Greta Van Susteren was the moderator in the debate in which Todd kept mostly silent while Bill offered him advice.

“It’s funny than when they hear ‘Clinton’ or ‘Palin’, it’s not us that people think about anymore, I feel a bit left out,” said Todd in one of his brief declarations.

Bill replied “Alaska’s First Dude is doing just fine.”

He also offered advise to Todd, who was resting his head on Bill’s shoulder, “Whenever you start changing the deck chairs and gender roles and family roles, you have to be prepared for psychological, as well as political, sparks to fly.”

“What do you think I should do?” asked Todd, to which Bill answered “the trick is to give support that is unambiguous and clear and to also be there with advise privatley, but do it in a way that doesn’t, in a funny way, make her look weak.”

Todd confessed to Bill that he felt intimidated by the media. Bill replied “Keep that smile, don’t get defensive, try to answer the best that you can and go on.”

The debate ended with Bill saying he admires Todd. “He must have something going if he can finish that 500 mile race with a broken arm,” Bill praised Todd.

Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, takes a fast course in world leaders with REAL world leaders. “More fun than wikipedia”:Palin

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New York, NY, September 23rd, 2008, (Reuters).- In order to boost her

Sarah Palin with the girl she was assigned to work with in her new geography class. "I wish they had assigned me someone mature and who at least knew the capital of Mexico," said the small girl.

Sarah Palin with the girl she was assigned to work with in her new geography class. "I wish they had assigned me with someone mature and who at least knew what the capital of Mexico is," said the small girl.

foreign relations credentials beyond seeing Russia from her house, the Palin-McCain campaign is having Sarah Palin take a crash course in word leaders by having them parade in front of her in next week’s United Nations General Assembly. She will be able to take notes on the names that are too hard for her to pronounce.

“Well, since I had never met a foreign head of state, like none of the previous vice-presidential candidates in history did, and I had never traveled outside the US until last year when I went to Canada to get some cheap medicines, the Palin-McCain campaign thought it would be a good idea to have a show-and-tell class of world leaders. It certanly beats looking them up in wikipedia,” commented Palin.

The first on the list was US-imposed Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “The encounter went remarcably well. We spoke for hours,” said Palin. “Next time I might even have a translator to find out what he’s telling me.”

Next on the list are (in order of apparition), Colombian president Alvaro Uribe, Georgian president Mikhail Saakashvili, Ukranian president Viktor Yuschenko, Iraqi president Jalal Talibani, Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari and Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh.

“We thought it’d be important for her to meet the presidents the US placed on the Iraqi and Afghan governments first, as well as the presidents of those countries who provided troops or permissions to use their territories in the Afghanistan and Iraq wars,” said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt. “After the parade, she will have a quick test on names and color flag matching, but she will be able to use her notes and we don’t count spelling mistakes for the grade.”

Reporters who wanted to see the encounters were banned initially. “We don’t want to get her nervous, so let’s keep the cameras in and the questions out, mmmkay?” had said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt ealier. When the media refused to give coverage, Schmitt relented “it was all just a misscommunication oopsie, ya really didn’t think I was serious, did ya?”

Palin from the Palin-McCain ticket plays it safe.

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The villages, FL, September 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- Sarah Palin played it safe

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house."

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house," commented Palin.

 Sunday on her first trip on the campaign she now calls “the Palin-McCain ticket” to the battleground state of Florida.

In order to show how sure she is of her credentials, she went to perhaps the easiest place in Florida to get a large Republican turnout, stuck mostly to the themes she’s hit since the Republican convention and took no questions from reporters or the crowd.

Nevertheless, she was welcomed like a star, with tens of thousands cramming into a plaza and nearby streets. Some waited more than five hours in 92-degree heat to see her speak for 23 minutes. Palin told the crowd her daughters Piper and Willow got to go to Disney World, although this time they will be flanked by security in order to avoid any other embarrassing suprise pregnancy.

Her remarks hit most of the same points she’s made since McCain chose her. She did, however, update the stump speech to reflect last week’s turmoil in the financial markets.

“This week when the economic crisis threatened the livelihood of millions of Americans, John McCain took a clear stand and supported the goverment bailout even if he’s always condemned government bailouts. Our opponent refused to even take a stand on the position,” Palin said.

In another show of how much the party trusts Palin’s capacity, the Palin-McCain campaign has asked to reduce time for questions and answers in the Palin-Biden debate and to completly eliminate any interaction between the debaters. “We want her to focus on giving our message, rather than to be defending herself. We believe it could save us some money in air time,” a Palin-McCain campaign spokesperson said.

When asked about her lack of credentials in foreign relationships, he answered “Nonsense. We have checked her knowledge on the subject with very throughout questions, like ‘What foreign country is the closest to Alaska?’ and she answered ‘Russia’ before we even finished asking the question. Of course, with all that pressure anyone can forget that the correct answer is Canada, but we still believe she’s more than ready to be a heart attack away from the presidency.”