Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, takes a fast course in world leaders with REAL world leaders. “More fun than wikipedia”:Palin

New York, NY, September 23rd, 2008, (Reuters).- In order to boost her

Sarah Palin with the girl she was assigned to work with in her new geography class. "I wish they had assigned me with someone mature and who at least knew what the capital of Mexico is," said the small girl.

foreign relations credentials beyond seeing Russia from her house, the Palin-McCain campaign is having Sarah Palin take a crash course in word leaders by having them parade in front of her in next week’s United Nations General Assembly. She will be able to take notes on the names that are too hard for her to pronounce.

“Well, since I had never met a foreign head of state, like none of the previous vice-presidential candidates in history did, and I had never traveled outside the US until last year when I went to Canada to get some cheap medicines, the Palin-McCain campaign thought it would be a good idea to have a show-and-tell class of world leaders. It certanly beats looking them up in wikipedia,” commented Palin.

The first on the list was US-imposed Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “The encounter went remarcably well. We spoke for hours,” said Palin. “Next time I might even have a translator to find out what he’s telling me.”

Next on the list are (in order of apparition), Colombian president Alvaro Uribe, Georgian president Mikhail Saakashvili, Ukranian president Viktor Yuschenko, Iraqi president Jalal Talibani, Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari and Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh.

“We thought it’d be important for her to meet the presidents the US placed on the Iraqi and Afghan governments first, as well as the presidents of those countries who provided troops or permissions to use their territories in the Afghanistan and Iraq wars,” said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt. “After the parade, she will have a quick test on names and color flag matching, but she will be able to use her notes and we don’t count spelling mistakes for the grade.”

Reporters who wanted to see the encounters were banned initially. “We don’t want to get her nervous, so let’s keep the cameras in and the questions out, mmmkay?” had said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt ealier. When the media refused to give coverage, Schmitt relented “it was all just a misscommunication oopsie, ya really didn’t think I was serious, did ya?”

US slams Russian recognition of breakaway areas. “They’re not ready to be liberated yet,” said Bush.

To read this article in Russian, go here. Эта статья по-русски:

http://tetarakihi.livejournal.com/9849.html

(Translation courtesy of Tarakihi)

Washington, D.C., August 26th, 2008, (Reuters).- The White House on Tuesday blasted Russia’s formal

The US is already sending its army with humanitarian aid to the area.

recognition of two separatist Georgian provinces, South Ossetia and Abkhazia, calling it “irrational” behavior that is rejected by the world.

White House spokesman Tony Frappuchino said the US would use its veto power on the U.N. Security Council to make sure Russia’s move is “dead as an Afghan”. “The threath of a veto is a valid and brave move as long as it isn’t the French who use it.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Russia has no business declaring the provinces independent of U.S.-backed Georgia. “I think it is regrettable, just because they don’t speak Georgian, and their population is not Georgian, and they haven’t been governed by Georgia since the dissolution of the USSR, and they had been invaded by Georgia a couple of weeks ago, doesn’t mean they’re not part of Georgia. This puts Russia in opposition to Security Council resolutions, which is as bad as the invasions of Western Sahara, East Timor, Cyprus, the Palestinian Territories and Iraq, specially as a member of the P-5, which will have to drop Russia and become the Fantastic Four,” explained Rice in a press conference.

State Department spokesman Robert Wood said the U.S. is looking at a variety of options to respond. “We’re not trying to escalate anything, but we obviously can’t allow what Russia’s done to go without there being some consequences. In fact, if our troops weren’t busy invading other countries, we would have already used them to punish Russia for invading other countries.”

After the invasion of South Ossetia by Georgian forces, and the invasion of Georgia by Russian forces, the US sent the missile destroyer USS McFaul to the Georgian port of Batumi, to deliver humanitarian aid.

“Just because it’s a missile destroyer, doesn’t mean it carries missiles, but humanitarian aid. If we had meant to sent weapons, we would have sent a Red Cross vessel,” finished Rice.

Missile system in Poland aimed at Russia not a threat to Russia: Rice

Warsaw, Poland, August 20th, 2008, (Reuters).- The US and Poland

Secretary of State Rice giving the news to president Bush in her usual maternal way.

signed a deal to place a US missile system just 115 miles from Russia, which US secretary of State claims does not represent a military threat to Russia.

“Just because it’s next to Russia, and it’s been agreed just after the Russian invasion to Georgia, and it’s right in the Russian sphere of influence, doesn’t mean it represents a threat to Russia. It is in our defense that we do this,” commented Rice.

When asked about further clarification, she replied “why, it’s obvious that if we put a missile system next to Russia, it’s because we’re preparing a defense from an attack from Iran, not Russia.”

With respect to the Russian comments about a possible pre-emptive attack on Poland for accepting the facility, Rice developed, “such comments border on the bizarre, frankly. The Russians are losing their credibility. This is not 1988, it’s 2008. In this age, you just can’t do pre-emptive attacks on countries in order to destroy a weapon system that is not there on the excuse of self-defence without international sanction.”

Poland, like Georgia, has contributed 2,300 soldiers to the Iraq war and 1,600 to Afghanistan. Polish Prime Minister Donald Duck hopes to have a better protection than the former soviet republic. “After what happened to Georgia, we don’t want to fight the Russians with half of our army somewhere else,” he commented.

Violence arises in former Soviet territory

Critics of the Russian government argue that Russia is using the conflict to try its new Tsar Wars anti-missile system

Tskhinvali, Georgia, August 9th, 2008.- In a show of brute force tinted with political colors, Russia sent tanks into the contested province of South Ossetia and bombed with warplanes the Georgian town of Gori, escalating a conflict that could involve several nations.

The conflict started Friday night, when Georgia (NO, NOT THE US STATE) pounded the provincial capital of South Ossetia, Tskhinvali, with heavy artillery and rocket fire.

Russia’s prime minister Vladimir Putin, accused Georgia of “complete genocide.” “The actions of the Georgian powers in South Ossetia are, of course, a crime against its people.  We promise that our response will be much worse.”

In a movement that president Dmitry Medvedev called the “liberation of South Ossetia by peace keeping Russian forces,” Russian tanks and warplanes escalated the war by invading Tskhinvali and engaging the Georgian forces, as well as bombing the Georgian town of Gori, which has nothing to do with the conflict.

Russian ambassador to NATO, Dmitry Rogozin, declared, “Mission accomplished. 98% of Tskhinvali is in ruins, but the 2% that still stands is free to join the Russian Federation, whether they like it or not.”

Soon later, Georgia’s president Mikhail Saakashvili told reporters, “we can’t fight back the Russians, not with the bulk of our troops tied up in Iraq,” referring to the 3,000 Georgian troops, who, despite not speaking English, are fighting in the US led coalition in Iraq.

George Bush, who was attending the Beijing games, interrupted his martini break and declared “the Georgian troops must not pull out of Iraq to fight in their homeland. If they don’t fight the terrorists there, they will have to fight them in their homeland.”

When asked if the US would come to help his ally who has the third largest troop count in Iraq, Bush mumbled something about “not enough oil.” “Besides, this is all the Russian president’s fault because he invaded a country without international approval.”

On hearing those comments, president Medvedev replied “did not.” “Did too” ended Bush.

On a related note, several American students organizations organized protests all over the country. “We’re fed up with these invasions. They just make our teachers force us to learn names and capitals of countries we’ve never heard about. I mean, who can remember ‘Tskhinvali’ or ‘Medvedev’ in an exam?” said 10 year old student Bart Simpson.