The Press Posted in the Tribune Times

Funny news, trivia news, ironic news, sarcastic news and news news.

Posts Tagged ‘John Mccain

More fictional characters jump in the bandwagon. Linus supports Obama, Lucy supports Palin, Charlie Brown undecided.

leave a comment »

To read this article in Italian, go here. Per leggere questo articolo in italiano, vai qui:

http://noccioline.altervista.org/index.php?subaction=showcomments&id=1208278663

(Translation courtesy of Fede)

Peanuts, USA, November 3rd, 2008, (Reuters).- Just one day before the election, more fictional

Linus van Pelt declaring his support for the Democratic candidate. "Obama is the security blanket of America."

Linus van Pelt declaring his support for the Democratic candidate. "Obama is the security blanket of America," he said.

characters showed their support for their candidates. This time, it was the peanuts gang that declared their political preferences.

Famous philosopher and founder of the Great Pumpkin Church, Linus Van Pelt spoke about his support for Democratic Candidate Barack Obama, “In this time of crisis and uncertanty, we all need something to hold on, to feel steady, to give us security. Obama is America’s security Blanket.”

On contrast, his sister and female heavyweight boxing  champion and author of several self-help books, such as the best seller “Life’s a kick, that’ll be 5 cents please”, Lucy Van Pelt, declared that she supported Sarah Palin, “It’s time that we had a woman up there with values and character and willing to show men what we’re capable of. ”

Finally, Charlie Brown who works as a barber’s assistant in the barbershop that his father used to own hasn’t taken a position yet, “Aaaaaaaaaaargh, I just can’t stand it, it’s too much pressure. I mean, I would like to be informed and vote, but somehow I never know what’s going on, Good grief!”

Al Bundy and the Fonz, among others, back Barack Obama.

leave a comment »

Hollywood, CA, October 24th, 2008, (Reuters).- As the race is approaching its end, famous real and

Al Bundy has retaken his trademark No MA'AM t-shirt to express his opposition to Sarah Palin.

Al Bundy has retaken his trademark No MA'AM t-shirt to express his opposition to Sarah Palin.

fictional personalities have started to back Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

One of the lastest celebrities that has endorsed the candidate is the Fonz. In a recent add he speaks to Richie and tells him that voting for Bush and Chenney was “wwwrr…….”, (apparently unable to admit he’s wrong). “But now we can make it right.” Fonz explained. He also told Richie he hand misunderstood Palin’s claim that “she shoots moose” as “she was loose.”

Another TV father that certanly makes less than $250,000 a year is Al Bundy. The famous shoe salesman has decided to back Obama after finding out that he’d save $1,000 dollars in taxes. Of course, he had to buy a $1,500 computer to find that out first. “Obama! Obama!” shouted Al Bundy as he slammed his hand against a table and raised his fist as he announced his support for the Democratic candidate.

Sarah Silverman has also decided to back the candidate. “I encourage all Jewish voters to schlep over to Florida and convince your grandparents to vote for Obama. Did I say encourage? I meant I demand you.” 

Retired sheriff Andy Taylor and his son Opie Taylor also expressed support for Senator Obama. “People are funny. Change scares them, they’d rather feel good in the same thing that’s been messing them up when change is the thing they can help them,” explained Andy to his son in a new commercial. “When I’m a grown up, I’d sure like to vote for someone as good as Mr. Obama,” replied Opie, apparently oblivious to the fact that he’s over 40 now and able to vote.

Close sources to the candidate (Michelle told us) say that although he welcomes any vote, he’s not too happy to be connected with some of the celebrities that try to get as many pictures with him as possible. “I can’t tell any names, but… oh, what gives, it’s Homer Simpson and Lindsay Lohan.”

So far, only Abe Simpson, Ned Flanders and Mr. Burns have been the only fictional characters to endorse the Palin-McCain ticket.

Palin spends $150,000 in donations on clothes and accesories. “It’s needed to make her look like an average American woman:”

leave a comment »

"Some of the money was used in advertising Palin's look", said Schmitt.

"Some of the money was used in advertising Palin's look", said Schmitt.

Denver, CO, October 22nd, 2008, (Reuters).- The Palin-McCain ticket admitted today that over $150,000 in donations were spent on Sarah Palin’s look. Spokesmodel Tracey Schmitt explained the issue to the press.

“With all of the important issues facing the country right now, it’s remarkable that we’re spending time talking about pantsuits and blouses, when we should be speaking about Obama palling with terrorists and how McCain is a maverick. Besides, it was always the intent that the clothing go to a charitable purpose after the campaign, for example, the Clothes for Unemployed Pregnant Teens of Alaska, (CUTA).”

“Moreover, we wanted to make it difficult or at least very expensive for Tina Fey,” finished Schmitt.

When asked if donation money was used for other of Palin’s personal expenses, Schmitt categorically denied it, “Of course not, she’s a decent an honest person. She has never used campaign money for her personal expenses. For example, when her children traveled far from home, from Wasillia to Anchorage, Alaskan money was used, not campaign money.”

In a related news, Governor Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, answered Brandon Garcia’s, a third grade 8-year old child, question about what a vice-president does.

“That’s a darn good question, Brandon, and you betcha that a vice president has a really great job, because not only are they there to support the president’s agenda, they’re like the team member, the team mate to that president,” Palin said.

“But also, they’re in charge of the United States Senate. In addition to bribing federal judges in order to avoid murders of babies like you, they lobby congressmen in order to make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for you, and your family and your classroom. And it’s a great job and I look forward to having that job, if God grants me the chance,” Palin ended.

The Penguin endorses McCain. “I was the one who helped him prepare for his debates.”

leave a comment »

Gotham City. NJ, October 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- After many celebrities backing Barack Obama lately,

Batman and the Penguin participated in the Democratic Primaries, but both eventually lost to Hillary.

Batman and the Penguin participated in the Democratic Primaries, but both eventually lost to Hillary.

one of them has finally stood up for McCain: The Penguin.

“My friends, I support Senator McCain because it’s time someone stopped the negativism in this campaign and talked about the real issues. And there’s only one real issue in this campaign: Who really is the Batma… I mean, Barack Obama?” said the Penguin to the Gotham liberal media.

“Who is he? Why does he hide his past? Who does he hang around with? Let me give you the answer, my friends: criminal terrorists. Bill Ayers, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Tony Rezko, The Joker, Poison Ivy, etc. I’m telling you, the guy is a two-face,” explained the Penguin to the press.

“It’s also been completly proven that he is in league with organizations such as ACORN and Lexcorp and preparing the greatest electoral fraud in history. If that’s not an evil masterplan. I don’t know what it is. And believe me, I do know. I took classes with Dick Chenney,” finished the villian.

Batman immediatly reached out for the Democratic candidate to give him his support. “Holy elections, Barack!”

Obama says, among other things, that McCain will “say anything.”

leave a comment »

Tampa, FL, October 20th, (Reuters).- Democratic candidate Barack Obama gave a speech at Tampa, Florida,

Obama accepted that the rumors that he received money from abroad are true. "Yes, Oprah contributed, but please don't call her namesm," asked the candidate.

Obama accepted that the rumors that he received money from abroad are true. "Yes, Oprah contributed, but no name calling, please," asked the candidate.

in which he said many different things in order to appeal to voters. One of them was an attack on McCain, claiming “he (McCain) will say anything, do anything. Now, is there anything you’d like me to say or do?”

He also claimed that the race will tighten as it comes to a close. “That’s what happens at the end of campaigns. Even when there are substantial leads. We can still snatch defeat from victory, so don’t underestimate us. You know, Hillary Clinton is not the first politician to declare ‘Mission Accomplished’ too soon.”

He also spoke about the attacks that he has received lately, mostly from Sarah Palin. “Look, I’ve been called worse on the basketball court.”

He also spoke about the recent endorsement given to him by the former Joint Chief of Staff, Colin Powell. “Until now, I was afraid that he’d join the ‘Blacks against Obama’ group, which, fortunately, is very small. Just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.”

An updated Reagan comment brought cheers from the crowd, “At this rate, the question isn’t just ‘Are you better off now than you were four years ago?’, it’s ‘Are you better off now than four hours ago? The crisis has even affected me and my campaign: I’m accepting change now.”

He ended his speech with a simple comment: “I’m a little too awesome.”

The Palin-McCain ticket goes showbiz. McCain stars on Letterman. Palin on SNL.

with 3 comments

New York, NY, October 17th, 2008, (Reuters).- In an effort to both reach a wider audience and get

Republican candidate John McCain with his first guest David Letterman, laughing at Governor Palin's latest gaffe.

Republican candidate John McCain with his first guest David Letterman, laughing at Governor Palin's latest gaffe.

sympathy from voters, the Palin-McCain ticket has gone into showbiz, starring in famous shows that cover a much bigger audience than their political debates could ever have. Both shows are based in New York.

McCain now stars in his own show, called “The Late Show with John McCain.” To the surprise of everyone, the first guest of the show was its former host, David Letterman.  They talked about the two items that American people care most about: Palin’s qualifications and Obama’s relationship with Ayers.

“They (Obama and Ayers) are driving cross country and having dinner together,” claimed McCain. “And amongst Governor Palin’s greatest qualifications, the best one is that she has stood up for the truth and reminded this (the Obama-Ayers connection) to the American people. And don’t miss her in the next SNL. She will wipe the floor with Tina Fey. Yes, that one.”

When Letterman started asking harder questions, McCain interrupted him, “It’s not the time to raise anyone’s taxes, except yours. I guarantee you when I become president, I’ll do it. First executive order”

“I’m sorry, I screwed up,” apologized Letterman.

McCain finished the show announcing that tomorrow’s guest will be Joe the Plumber.

On the other hand, Governor Sarah Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, will become a permanent member of SNL, substituting Tina Fey who has recently been impersonating Palin.

“It’s about darn time I showed all them (Hockey Moms and Joe Sixpacks) who the real comedian is, and who the person who has palled with terrorists and wants to raise your taxes is,” said Governor Palin, confusing the attacks she was supposed to aim at Fey with the ones she’s been aiming at Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

“Yes, Obama and Democrats are ahead by 6%, we’ve got them just where we want them, mwahahahahaha”: McCain.

leave a comment »

Virginia Beach, VI, October 13th, 2008, (Reuters).- John McCain has changed

Levi Johnston and Bristol together in a Palin-McCain at the Republican Convention. "Fortunatly, Gov. Palin lends us her baby so we can practice parenthood while we have our own," commented Johnston.

Levi Johnston and Bristol together in a Palin-McCain speech at the Republican Convention. "Fortunatly, Gov. Palin lends us her baby so we can practice parenthood while we have our own," commented Johnston.

his rhetoric, claiming that the Democrat taking an advantage of 6 points and leading in all polls and battleground states has been part of his master plan all along.

“My friends, I have some wonderful news for you. Let me give you the state of the race: We have 22 days to go, we’re six points down, the national media has written us off and Obama and Pelosi are already preparing their clothes for the victory speech. We’ve got them just where we want them, mwahahahahah,” explained the Arizona senator.

“Excellent,” replied millionare and contributor to the Palin-McCain campaign, Montgomery Burns.

Elsewhere on the campaign trail, Levi Johnston, Palin’s future son-in-law, spoke about his future marriage with pregnant minor Bristol Palin.

“We’re both love each other and we both plan to have a happy normal married life. I will drop out of school to give my baby the best. I hope he’s a boy and I look forward to having him. I’m going to take him hunting and fishing and gay bashing,” explained Johnston.

He also said his infamous Myspace page was only a joke. “My friends created it and I had nothing to do with it. In fact, I can’t even use a computer, but Senator McCain and I plan to take internet classes together.”

Regarding his political views, Johnston said he was as clueless on the topic as her future mother-in-law is. “I like that guy Obama, but I’m cheering for the Palin-McCain ticket. I just hope she wins. She’s my future mother-in-law and being in office with take her off my back for some years.”