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Archive for the ‘News 2009’ Category

Old woman who lives in the ‘hood gets 8 more children.

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The matter complicates further the situation for the poor woman who refuses to leave the shoe, despite an eviction notice.

The matter complicates further the situation for the poor woman who refuses to leave the shoe, despite an eviction notice.

Los Octollizos, California, January 30th, 2009, (Reuters).- There is an old woman who lives in the ‘hood.

She had 8 more children, she doesn’t know what to do.

She’g got 6 small hoes, whom she can no more fed.

The sell crack or drugs, to buy some more bread.

There’s an old woman who lives in the ‘hood.

She had 8 more children, she doesn’t know what to do.

The small one has no cloth, no food and no bed.

He goes to no school, he steals wallets instead.

There is an old woman who lives in the ‘hood.

She’s got 8 more children, she doesn’t know what to do.

The rest of the bunch is not really ahead.

They’re either in prison or they’re out on bail.

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Iraqi government asked American government to stop hiring Blackwater.

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Blackwater's spokeswoman also mentioned the company will continue with its policy of shooting at anyone or anything that is expressed or written in a terrorist language, that is, anything other than English.

Blackwater's spokeswoman also mentioned the company will continue with its policy of shooting at anyone or anything that is expressed or written in a terrorist language, that is, anything other than English.

Baghdad, Iraq, January 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- The government of Iraq sent a memo today to the American embassy asking them to please, please, stop using Blackwater Worldwide as security for their diplomats.

The memo, signed by Iraq’s interior ministry spokesman, Abdul-Karim Khalaf, said “Due to the excessive use of force, improper conduct and specially, the continuous killings of civilians, including children, the Honorable Ministry of the Interior of Iraq, backed by the power invested in it by the people and president of Iraq, hereby order the American authorities to please, please, please, read this memo and if possible, to restrain your goons, just a tiny winy bit.”

The move is the latest response to the controversy resulting after Blackwater mercenaries killed 17 civilians at Nissor square, who asked them if they could please stop destroying their market stands.

The Blackwater mercenaries declared themselves non guilty. “We were just doing our job, clearing the path for the ambassador’s secretary’s officeboy who had gone to get a pizza for his boss. We immediately identified the terrorists’ true nature as they spoke in Arabic and had stands with signs written in some terrorist language,” declared one of them, who asked us to keep his name confidential or he would fill our bodies with lead.

State Department’s spokesman Robert with A Wood declared “We haven’t made a decision yet, but we’re already processing the Iraqi request under our perpetual ignorance file cabinet.”

Blackwater spokesgoon Anne Tyrrell defended the company’s mercenaries. “Our employees did the right thing. They were ambushed by terrorists who shot them from a girls’ school, an ambulance, and a fruit stand, all of which had letters written in a terrorist language, so they clearly had to return fire and a few grenades as well.”

Paul McCarney announces his plans to marry in the Colbert Report. “All I need is Love”, McCartney.

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When asked if he was afraid of another costly divorce with his new fiancée, the ex-beatle said "We can work it out."

When asked if he was afraid of another costly divorce with his new fiancée, the ex-beatle said "We can work it out."

New York, NY, January 28, 2009, (Reuters).- Ex-beatle Paul McCarntey appeared on “the Colbert Report,” answering questions to Stephen Colbert about his love life (McCartney’s, not Colbert’s).

Question: How did you get over the death of Linda, your first wife?

Answer: Obladi, oblada, life goes on.

Q: How did your second wife, Heather Mills, declared her love for you?

A: Baby, you’re a rich man.

Q: What did you tell her when she asked so much money for the divorce?

A: You never give me your money.

Q: What did you tell your lawyer about it?

A: Help!

Q: What did he tell you?

A: You’re going to lose that girl.

Q: Where is she now?

A: Back in the U.S.S.R.

Q: How did you feel after losing so much money in the divorce?

A: The fool on the hill.

Q: Do you regret that marriage?

A: I should have known better.

Q: Is there a lesson to that experience?

A: Can’t buy me love.

Q: How did you meet your current girlfriend, socialite Nancy Shevell?

A: She came in through the bathroom window.

Q: How did you find her?

A: I saw her standing there.

Q: How did you declare your love to her?

A: Love, love me do.

Q: Why do you want to marry her?

A: I’ve got a feeling and I love her.

Q: Where does your fiancée like to have sex?

A: Here, there and everywhere.

Q: Really? and how often does she want it?

A: Eight days a week.

Q: How do you manage to have sex at your age?

A: With a little help from my friends.

Q: How was sex with Linda?

A: Twist and shout.

Q: How was it with Heather?

A: Honey, don’t.

Q: And with Nancy?

A: A hard day’s night.

Q: Do you still take drugs?

A: Everybody’s got something to hide.

Q: What do you do when you have to appear in public after taking drugs?

A: Act naturally.

Q: Do past acquaintances or even total strangers ever try to claim they’re your offspring in order to rip you off your money?

A: Everybody’s trying to be my baby.

Q: Finally, is there something you’d like to say to your fans?

A: Happiness is a warm gun.

Michelle Obama complains about her daughters’ dolls: “We didn’t get any royalties”

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Ty Inc. is also releasing in the new future a new doll for its "Pregant Palin" series.It'll be called, "Bristol with Baby," and will have nothing to do with Alaska's governor's daughter.

Ty Inc. is also releasing in the near future a new doll for its "Pregant Palin" series. It'll be called, "Bristol with Baby," and will have nothing to do with Alaska's governor's daughter.

Washington, D.C., January 27th, 2008, (Reuters).- Michelle Obama expressed her disagreement with the dolls that are being produced and that are named after her daughters, Sasha and Malia.

The new first lady told the press “We believe it is innapropiate to use two young private, totally average citizens for marketing purposes. First, because the election is already over.  Second, because we didn’t get any royalties.”

Ty Inc.’s spokesperson Tania Lundeen told the media “There’s nothing in the dolls that refers to the Obama girls. Just because they are black, represent about the same age as the real Sasha and Malia, and they are called Sasha and Malia, doesn’t mean that they are replications of Sasha and Malia. They have nothing to do with them. Really! Honest! We chose those traits just because they are full of hope and change. ”

She also took the opportunity to make an important announcement, “Most of all, we want to remind you that each dolls is sold for only $9.99, and if you buy both of them, you get a free copy of ‘The audacity of hope’ as a bonus.”

14 year old Chicawgo policeboy gets fired.

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Cub "windy" Veejay decided to join the police force after his father got a ticket for driving in Wisconsin with Illinois plates.

Cub "windy" Veejay decided to join the police force after his father got a ticket for driving in Wisconsin with Illinois plates.

Chicawgo, Illinoi, January 26th, 2009, (Reuters).- A 14 year old policeboy was fired today from the Chicawgo Police Department in Illinoi. The reason given by the Chicawgo Police Department was that the boy was only 14 years old. “He’s almost a child,” said deputy superintendent Daniel Dugan.

However, the 14 year old boy’s labor union declared that the real reason the policechild was fired was because he was working on some investigation on the role of Mayor Richard Michael Daley in the Hired Truck Program as well as in the leasing of the parking meter system.

Mayor Daley denied any mishandling on those dealings. “However, we’re creating a new tax, called ‘no child left behind the wheel’, which will help screen policecar drivers and make sure children aren’t at the wheel.”

This is the last of a series of taxes aimed at handling car traffic and car-related issues, and following the recently implemented “I’ll watch your car while you attend the game” tax, which started taxing drivers and sports fans last week.

“Bush’s presidency has a good, strong record”: Bush

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By the end of the news conference, president Bush was so confident that he even made a racist joke about president Obama.

By the end of the news conference, president Bush was so confident that he even made a racist joke about president Obama.

Washington, D.C., January 12th, 2008, (Reuters).- In a final news conference, which the president called “the ultimate exit interview,” president Bush declared that Bush’s presidency has a good, strong record.

He also commented on other issues that marked his presidency as well as his legacy.

He defended the image of the US overseas and denied that it had been tarnished during his administration. “I dissagree that this assesment that people view America in a dim light. People still understand America stands for freedom, why just a month ago, Arab people were so pleased to see me that they offered their shoes to me.”

He also defended his record on human rights, including imprisonment without a trial of suspected terrorists and use of tough interrogation methods at Guantanamo Bay, as well as overriding civil rights at home in order to obtain local information. “Yes, I did all that, but I just couldn’t let terrorists come into our land and destroy our basic rights.”

Most of all, he spoke about the Iraq war, defending his decisions, “I did what I had to do, there weren’t any mistakes at all. I grant that there weren’t any weapons of mass destruction at all, and there were abuses at the Abu Ghraib prision, but those weren’t mistakes, just things that didn’t go according to plan.”

When asked about the time he claimed victory under a banner with big huge letters reading “mission accomplished,” he explained “We’ve clarified this before, it was a banner put up by the janitor who had finished his working shift that same day. It sent the wrong message to those that will always look for the wrong message.”

He also defended his decision to send an additional 30,000 troops. “The question is, in the long run, will this democracy survive? and that’s going to be a question for future presidents.” It wasn’t clear if was referring to the US or Iraq.

Regarding the response to Katrina, he denied it had been slow. “Don’t tell me the federal response was slow when there were 30,000 people pulled off roofs right after the storm passed. I have heard nothing but congratulations and appreciation from them, while I have never heard a single complaint from the people that died.”

Regarding his involvement of peace in the Middle East, he commented “I laid out a vision of what peace would be like, I think I have advanced the process and now Palestinians and Israelis are closer than ever.”

He also spoke about the US economy’s state as he leaves office. “The fundamentals of our economy are strong.”

Finally, he mentioned what he believes is the most important issue that the next president will face: “An attack on the United States. That’s a much more important issue than the economic crisis, because it’s real and it actually affects American lives. Despite sending the country to wars and ripping apart the US civil rights, America isn’t safe. I wish I could report that’s not the case.”

Meanwhile, a CNN poll revealed that right after the news conference, Bush’s popularity increased a bit. He’s now more popular than chickenpox but still trails behind taxes.

NYC gives Mr. Crabs life pardon.

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Mr Crabs got the pardon from the judge just as he was about to be eaten. It was later discovered that he had stolen the waiter's tip by the time he left the restaurant.

Mr Crabs got the pardon from the judge just as he was about to be eaten. It was later discovered that he had stolen the waiter's tip by the time he left the restaurant.

New York City, NY, January 11th, 2009, (Reuters).- After several demonstrations and a few arson acts in judges houses from PETA members, New York City Justice decided to pardon Mr. Crabs execution and release him in the ocean.

“We applaud the judge’s noble and compassionate decision to release Mr. Crabs and let him live his last days in freedom and peace,” said Ingrid E. Newquirk, president of PETA (People Extremely in need of Therapy, not Animals).

“Our next goal is to burn down all McDonalds and Burger King restaurants until they stop selling hamburgers that are made with meat. By the way, I’d like to say to anyone that’s listening, if you’re unemployed because we burnt down your work center, come join us, you have plenty of time now and we can always use a volunteer,” ended Newquirk.

Mr. Crabs, who is 139, had been imprisoned and charged with illegal trade of endangered species such as seasponge, sea stars and squidwards. He had been sentenced to be eaten at the City Crab and Seafood restaurant, but was pardoned at the last second.

The NY authorities released him in Kennebunkport, Maine, where he died choked by a plastic bag 1 hour after his release.