Archive for the ‘News 2009’ Category
Old woman who lives in the ‘hood gets 8 more children.
Los Octollizos, California, January 30th, 2009, (Reuters).- There is an old woman who lives in the ‘hood.
She had 8 more children, she doesn’t know what to do.
She’g got 6 small hoes, whom she can no more fed.
The sell crack or drugs, to buy some more bread.
There’s an old woman who lives in the ‘hood.
She had 8 more children, she doesn’t know what to do.
The small one has no cloth, no food and no bed.
He goes to no school, he steals wallets instead.
There is an old woman who lives in the ‘hood.
She’s got 8 more children, she doesn’t know what to do.
The rest of the bunch is not really ahead.
They’re either in prison or they’re out on bail.
Iraqi government asked American government to stop hiring Blackwater.
Baghdad, Iraq, January 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- The government of Iraq sent a memo today to the American embassy asking them to please, please, stop using Blackwater Worldwide as security for their diplomats.
The memo, signed by Iraq’s interior ministry spokesman, Abdul-Karim Khalaf, said “Due to the excessive use of force, improper conduct and specially, the continuous killings of civilians, including children, the Honorable Ministry of the Interior of Iraq, backed by the power invested in it by the people and president of Iraq, hereby order the American authorities to please, please, please, read this memo and if possible, to restrain your goons, just a tiny winy bit.”
The move is the latest response to the controversy resulting after Blackwater mercenaries killed 17 civilians at Nissor square, who asked them if they could please stop destroying their market stands.
The Blackwater mercenaries declared themselves non guilty. “We were just doing our job, clearing the path for the ambassador’s secretary’s officeboy who had gone to get a pizza for his boss. We immediately identified the terrorists’ true nature as they spoke in Arabic and had stands with signs written in some terrorist language,” declared one of them, who asked us to keep his name confidential or he would fill our bodies with lead.
State Department’s spokesman Robert with A Wood declared “We haven’t made a decision yet, but we’re already processing the Iraqi request under our perpetual ignorance file cabinet.”
Blackwater spokesgoon Anne Tyrrell defended the company’s mercenaries. “Our employees did the right thing. They were ambushed by terrorists who shot them from a girls’ school, an ambulance, and a fruit stand, all of which had letters written in a terrorist language, so they clearly had to return fire and a few grenades as well.”
14 year old Chicawgo policeboy gets fired.
Chicawgo, Illinoi, January 26th, 2009, (Reuters).- A 14 year old policeboy was fired today from the Chicawgo Police Department in Illinoi. The reason given by the Chicawgo Police Department was that the boy was only 14 years old. “He’s almost a child,” said deputy superintendent Daniel Dugan.
However, the 14 year old boy’s labor union declared that the real reason the policechild was fired was because he was working on some investigation on the role of Mayor Richard Michael Daley in the Hired Truck Program as well as in the leasing of the parking meter system.
Mayor Daley denied any mishandling on those dealings. “However, we’re creating a new tax, called ‘no child left behind the wheel’, which will help screen policecar drivers and make sure children aren’t at the wheel.”
This is the last of a series of taxes aimed at handling car traffic and car-related issues, and following the recently implemented “I’ll watch your car while you attend the game” tax, which started taxing drivers and sports fans last week.
“Bush’s presidency has a good, strong record”: Bush
Washington, D.C., January 12th, 2008, (Reuters).- In a final news conference, which the president called “the ultimate exit interview,” president Bush declared that Bush’s presidency has a good, strong record.
He also commented on other issues that marked his presidency as well as his legacy.
He defended the image of the US overseas and denied that it had been tarnished during his administration. “I dissagree that this assesment that people view America in a dim light. People still understand America stands for freedom, why just a month ago, Arab people were so pleased to see me that they offered their shoes to me.”
He also defended his record on human rights, including imprisonment without a trial of suspected terrorists and use of tough interrogation methods at Guantanamo Bay, as well as overriding civil rights at home in order to obtain local information. “Yes, I did all that, but I just couldn’t let terrorists come into our land and destroy our basic rights.”
Most of all, he spoke about the Iraq war, defending his decisions, “I did what I had to do, there weren’t any mistakes at all. I grant that there weren’t any weapons of mass destruction at all, and there were abuses at the Abu Ghraib prision, but those weren’t mistakes, just things that didn’t go according to plan.”
When asked about the time he claimed victory under a banner with big huge letters reading “mission accomplished,” he explained “We’ve clarified this before, it was a banner put up by the janitor who had finished his working shift that same day. It sent the wrong message to those that will always look for the wrong message.”
He also defended his decision to send an additional 30,000 troops. “The question is, in the long run, will this democracy survive? and that’s going to be a question for future presidents.” It wasn’t clear if was referring to the US or Iraq.
Regarding the response to Katrina, he denied it had been slow. “Don’t tell me the federal response was slow when there were 30,000 people pulled off roofs right after the storm passed. I have heard nothing but congratulations and appreciation from them, while I have never heard a single complaint from the people that died.”
Regarding his involvement of peace in the Middle East, he commented “I laid out a vision of what peace would be like, I think I have advanced the process and now Palestinians and Israelis are closer than ever.”
He also spoke about the US economy’s state as he leaves office. “The fundamentals of our economy are strong.”
Finally, he mentioned what he believes is the most important issue that the next president will face: “An attack on the United States. That’s a much more important issue than the economic crisis, because it’s real and it actually affects American lives. Despite sending the country to wars and ripping apart the US civil rights, America isn’t safe. I wish I could report that’s not the case.”
Meanwhile, a CNN poll revealed that right after the news conference, Bush’s popularity increased a bit. He’s now more popular than chickenpox but still trails behind taxes.
NYC gives Mr. Crabs life pardon.
New York City, NY, January 11th, 2009, (Reuters).- After several demonstrations and a few arson acts in judges houses from PETA members, New York City Justice decided to pardon Mr. Crabs execution and release him in the ocean.
“We applaud the judge’s noble and compassionate decision to release Mr. Crabs and let him live his last days in freedom and peace,” said Ingrid E. Newquirk, president of PETA (People Extremely in need of Therapy, not Animals).
“Our next goal is to burn down all McDonalds and Burger King restaurants until they stop selling hamburgers that are made with meat. By the way, I’d like to say to anyone that’s listening, if you’re unemployed because we burnt down your work center, come join us, you have plenty of time now and we can always use a volunteer,” ended Newquirk.
Mr. Crabs, who is 139, had been imprisoned and charged with illegal trade of endangered species such as seasponge, sea stars and squidwards. He had been sentenced to be eaten at the City Crab and Seafood restaurant, but was pardoned at the last second.
The NY authorities released him in Kennebunkport, Maine, where he died choked by a plastic bag 1 hour after his release.
Israel warns terrorists of upcoming bombings on civilians.
Gaza City, Gaza Strip, January 10th, 2009, (Reuters).- Israel sent to the Gaza Strip today airplanes that dropped both bombs and leaflets that warn terrorists that planes will be sent to drop bombs and leaflets.
The leaflets had messages such as “The Israeli Defense Forces will Attack your terror houses, schools, and mosques. The Israel Defense Forces are not against you, desipite killing you and treating you like secluded dogs. Stay safe by not being near a likely target, for example, any building that is still standing.”
Unfortunately, most of the terrorists weren’t able to receive the message. This was due to two causes. When the bombs were dropped before the leaflets, there weren’t any survivors left to read them. When the leaflets were dropped before the bombs, the leaflets were destroyed by the bombs.
There was one unconfirmed report of a terrorist eldery woman who actually survived to pick up one of the leaflets. However, she was still unable to know what it said, as it was written in Hebrew and she didn’t know how to read anyway.
Regarding the UN call for a cease-fire, Hamas complained that they weren’t consulted, but the UN ignored them as they don’t officially exist. Israel ignored the UN call and denied any civilian casualities, despite the fact that Gaza has no army. Moreover, Tel-Aviv warned the UN not to send any more trucks with humanitary aid to the Gaza region or they will be bombed again on the ground of being used to deliver food and supplies to terrorist families and children.
Some sources in the Israeli government who talked on condition of anonimity clam that Israel is preparing a third phase that consists of a pre-emptive attack, that will be followed by a fourth one that will seek to liberate Gaza.
So far, the recent bombings have killed 800 terrorists, 400 of them were potential terrorists (children) and 200 of them were terrorist creators (women).
You must be logged in to post a comment.