Mortgage forgiven for woman, 90, who shot herself. “We figured she won’t be paying anyway,” Fannie Mae.

Akron, OH, October 5th, 2008, (Reuters).- Mortgage finance company

Vice president Dick Cheney expressed his opposition to the dismissal of the mortgage. "It'll just encourage people to avoid their fiscal and financial responsabilities by shooting themselves."

Fannie Mae said it is forgiving the mortgage debt of Addie Polk, a 90-year-old woman who shot herself in the chest as sheriff’s deputies attempted to evict her.

Fannie Mae announced later that it would dismiss its foreclosure action, forgive Polk’s mortgage and allow her to return to the Akron home where she’s lived since 1970.

“Given the circumstances, we think it’s appropriate,” Fannie Mae spokesman Brian Faith said, “we don’t think she’s going to pay us anyway as the hospital bills will steal all our, I mean, her money.”

Polk remained in Akron General Medical Center and was expected to recover from the chest wounds. Robert Dillon, Polk’s longtime neighbor and the one who took her to the hospital visited her today. “She said it was a crazy thing to do, now that she’s had time to think about it,” Dillon said. It’s not clear whether it was a reference to the shooting or to the government’s approval of the $700 billion bailout plan.

Simpson (not the yellow character) gets away with murder but not with robbing memorabilia.

Las Vegas, NV, October 4, 2008, (Reuters).- Thirteen years to the day after

O.J. Simpson smiles to the camera as he tries to take out the guard that blocks his way out of the coutroom.

getting way with murdering his wife and her friend in Los Angeles, O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbing two of his own sports jerseys at gunpoint in a Las Vegas hotel room.

The 61-year-old former football star was convicted of all 12 counts, including robbery with a deadly weapon (himself), kidnapping and assault after jurors deliberated for more than 13 hours. He released a heavy sigh as the charges were read and said “wow, now I really have done it all.”

Simpson, who went from American sports idol to celebrity-in-exile after his murder acquittal, could spend the rest of his life in prison. His attorney, Yale Galanter, said he would appeal. “There’s no way he could have committed the crime because he’s not murdery enough.”

It was also announced that Las Vegas city is changing its motto from “what happens in Las Vegas, (doesn’t necessarily) stays in Vegas” to “Las Vegas: No one leaves this room motherf…”

Bush signs historic bill. “well, ok, if it really means so much to you,” says Congress.

Washington, D.C., October 3rd, 2008, (Reuters).- With the economy on the brink of meltdown and elections

Bush signing the bailout bill with BIG LETTERS so as it's clear that he did sign it.

looming, a reluctant Congress abruptly reversed course and approved a historic $700 billion government bailout of the battered financial industry.

“This is just exaclty how taxpayer’s money should be spent, in only supa-dupa necessary expenses like this,” said Bush as he signed the bill with his $10,000 dollars Montblanc pen.

“We have acted boldly to help prevent the crisis on Wall Street from becoming a crisis in communities across our country, we saved our CEOs” Bush said shortly after the plan cleared Congress, although he conceded, “Our economy continues to face serious challenges. For example, private swimming pools are still not tax deductible.”

The 263-171 vote capped two weeks of tumult in Congress and on Wall Street, punctuated by urgent warnings from Bush that the country confronted “the gravest economic disaster since the Great Depression if lawmakers failed to act.”

“I have no idea how this happened, but we either spend billions on this bailout, or the American taxpayers and citizens could end up losing a lot of money.”

The rescue didn’t stop the Dow Jones from dropping 157 points. In addition to that, the Labor Department said earlier in the day that employers had slashed 159,000 jobs in September, the largest cut in five years.

“Let’s not kid ourselves: We’re in the midst of a recession. But it’s necessary to avoid a recession.” said Rep. John A. Boehner, R-Ohio, the minority leader, as he prepared to cast his vote for the most sweeping federal intervention in markets in decades.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson pledged quick action to get the program up and operating. “We can’t have bankers go without purchasing power for Xmas presents this holiday season,” he commented.

Homer Simpson will vote for Obama. Flanders says Palin is the most Okely Dokely of politicians.

Springfield, Fox, October 2nd, 2008, (Reuters).- After watching tonight’s

Barack Obama is not too happy with Homer Simpson becoming his fan. "This guy makes Sarah Palin look smart."

debate, most people in Springfield finally took a stand in the presidential election. Homer decided to vote for Obama. Flanders thinks Sarah Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, will defend family values and morals.

In an exclusive interview with Kent Brockman from KBBL-TV channel 6 news, Homer Simpson declared that he will vote for Obama in the next election. “It’s time we have someone well versed on foreign relationships and national defense that will handle the economy well under the umbrella of jobs creations. He’s also connecting with the national feelings of opposing the Iraq war while we go and bomb Iran. I hope he plays the sax and is as cool as Bill Clinton. And he’s for controlling beer prices, mmmmmm, beeeeeeeeeeer.”

Oh the other hand, in a street interview, average Springfield citizen Ned Flanders said he supports Palin 100%. “I think it’s God’s will that she’s just a heartstroke away from the presidency. She will finally get creationism taught at public schools and defend us from our next door neighbors who happen to be foreign countries. She will also stop the killing of innocent babies and challenge other supreme court rulings that I’ll tell you later. And she will pray for our military men and women who are out on a task that’s sent by God. Yes, siree, that’s exactly what they’re going to do in a Palin and McCain administration. Do I think McCain is hurting her chances? Perhaps so.”

First debate polls show that Americans don’t understand statistics.

Washington, DC, September 29th, 2008, (Reuters).- Just two days after the

McCain repeating a question to Obama's good ear because he couldn't hear it the first time.

first presidential debate that took place in the campus of the University of Mississippi Friday night, different polls have confirmed a tendency that experts had been long suspecting: Americans don’t understand statistics.

The CNN poll conducted after the debate with 501 undecided voters had the following results:

64% didn’t understand what “percentage” is.

24% thought an error margin was a page not being printed the right way.

13% said there was nothing better on TV that night.

The CBS poll involved telephone interviews with 524 adults and 3 minors and gave the following results:

35% found out that Obama really is black.

35% found out that McCain really is old.

31% felt dissapointed because Tina Fey didn’t show up.

Finally, the Fox News poll involved online interviews and gave the following results:

45% wanted to see more pics of Palin in her stars and stripes bikini.

32% asked for our credit card number in exchange of naked pictures.

23% were busy sending “internets” for their computer illiterate husbands.

1% noticed that the percentages on these polls didn’t add 100%.

1% went ahead and did the math just now.

ВОЯДТ is featured in Milan’s fashion week. “You like? I like”: Borat.

Milan, Italy, September 26th, 2008, (Reuters).- Famous Kazakhstani reporter

Borat in Milan's fashion week. His dress was voted "the most fashionable outfit of the week" by the event organizers.

Borat, best known for his documentary on American life, was featured on the catwalk at Agatha Ruiz de la Prada’s show in Milan on Friday, bringing up the value of the playful show.

Borat is in Milan aiding his friend Bruno, a flamboyant Austrian fashionista make a new film.

He bowled onto the start of the catwalk rolled up in what turned out to be a long, black caped outfit with eccentric accessories. No one from the audience was able to tell that it wasn’t part of the show.

Models had kept their cool but the designer was visibly upset when she appeared at the end of the show because people wanted to buy Borat’s outfit rather than hers.

The designer said Borat’s dress was inspired by Spanish painter Diego Velazquez’s paintings.

Canadian terrorist found guilty.

TORONTO (Reuters) – A Toronto-area man was found guilty by an Ontario court on Thursday of being part of

Faced with terrorist's threats, the government has assigned mounties to protect Canada's most precious possessions, like the Stanley cup.

 a Canadian Al Qaeda-style terrorist conspiracy, the first verdict tied to an alleged plot against key Canadian landmarks, such as the Mounties Igloo Headquarters and the Toronto Hockey Statium. 
 
The Newfee, who cannot be named because Canadian law prohibits the release of names of criminals who were 17 or younger at the time of the crime, was one of the “Kids in the Hall” suspects arrested in a police sting in 2006.

The members of the group were arrested after allegedly trying to buy three water guns and materials to build what they called “explosive putts” from undercover Anaheim Ducks.

However, charges against seven of the suspects have since been dropped, mostly due to health care related issues, while defense lawyers have cast many of the suspects as naive kids who were drawn in by a small core of extremists, like Pamela Anderson, Dan Aykroyd and Avril Lavigne.

The guilty verdict, given by Ontario Superior Court Jean Chretien, was on the charge of “knowingly participating in or contributing to activities aboot threatening the national integrity of Canadian welfare, hey?”.

“I’m satisfied beyond a reasonable doubt that (the suspect) by his participation and contribution, intended to enhance the ability of the terrorist group to carry terrorist activities against key Canadian Institutes, such as the Molson Dry brewery, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Headquarters and the Beaver Refuge National Park” he wrote from his chesterfield.

First Dudes’ debate goes well. “I just love Todd’s snow machine.”: Bill.

New York, NY, September 24th, 2008, (Reuters).- The first First Dudes’

Todd giving Palin from the Palin-McCain ticket advice privatley in a clear, unambiguous way that doesn't make her look weak, as advised by Bill.

debate went smoothly, with Bill Clinton praising Todd’s ability to race snowmobiles. “I like it a lot,” he commented.

Fox’s Greta Van Susteren was the moderator in the debate in which Todd kept mostly silent while Bill offered him advice.

“It’s funny than when they hear ‘Clinton’ or ‘Palin’, it’s not us that people think about anymore, I feel a bit left out,” said Todd in one of his brief declarations.

Bill replied “Alaska’s First Dude is doing just fine.”

He also offered advise to Todd, who was resting his head on Bill’s shoulder, “Whenever you start changing the deck chairs and gender roles and family roles, you have to be prepared for psychological, as well as political, sparks to fly.”

“What do you think I should do?” asked Todd, to which Bill answered “the trick is to give support that is unambiguous and clear and to also be there with advise privatley, but do it in a way that doesn’t, in a funny way, make her look weak.”

Todd confessed to Bill that he felt intimidated by the media. Bill replied “Keep that smile, don’t get defensive, try to answer the best that you can and go on.”

The debate ended with Bill saying he admires Todd. “He must have something going if he can finish that 500 mile race with a broken arm,” Bill praised Todd.

Palin, from the Palin-McCain ticket, takes a fast course in world leaders with REAL world leaders. “More fun than wikipedia”:Palin

New York, NY, September 23rd, 2008, (Reuters).- In order to boost her

Sarah Palin with the girl she was assigned to work with in her new geography class. "I wish they had assigned me with someone mature and who at least knew what the capital of Mexico is," said the small girl.

foreign relations credentials beyond seeing Russia from her house, the Palin-McCain campaign is having Sarah Palin take a crash course in word leaders by having them parade in front of her in next week’s United Nations General Assembly. She will be able to take notes on the names that are too hard for her to pronounce.

“Well, since I had never met a foreign head of state, like none of the previous vice-presidential candidates in history did, and I had never traveled outside the US until last year when I went to Canada to get some cheap medicines, the Palin-McCain campaign thought it would be a good idea to have a show-and-tell class of world leaders. It certanly beats looking them up in wikipedia,” commented Palin.

The first on the list was US-imposed Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “The encounter went remarcably well. We spoke for hours,” said Palin. “Next time I might even have a translator to find out what he’s telling me.”

Next on the list are (in order of apparition), Colombian president Alvaro Uribe, Georgian president Mikhail Saakashvili, Ukranian president Viktor Yuschenko, Iraqi president Jalal Talibani, Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari and Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh.

“We thought it’d be important for her to meet the presidents the US placed on the Iraqi and Afghan governments first, as well as the presidents of those countries who provided troops or permissions to use their territories in the Afghanistan and Iraq wars,” said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt. “After the parade, she will have a quick test on names and color flag matching, but she will be able to use her notes and we don’t count spelling mistakes for the grade.”

Reporters who wanted to see the encounters were banned initially. “We don’t want to get her nervous, so let’s keep the cameras in and the questions out, mmmkay?” had said spokesassistant Tracey Schmitt ealier. When the media refused to give coverage, Schmitt relented “it was all just a misscommunication oopsie, ya really didn’t think I was serious, did ya?”

Palin from the Palin-McCain ticket plays it safe.

The villages, FL, September 21st, 2008, (Reuters).- Sarah Palin played it safe

Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton in the once-in-a-life-time call to stop sexism in the campaign. "I can see Russia from my house," commented Palin.

 Sunday on her first trip on the campaign she now calls “the Palin-McCain ticket” to the battleground state of Florida.

In order to show how sure she is of her credentials, she went to perhaps the easiest place in Florida to get a large Republican turnout, stuck mostly to the themes she’s hit since the Republican convention and took no questions from reporters or the crowd.

Nevertheless, she was welcomed like a star, with tens of thousands cramming into a plaza and nearby streets. Some waited more than five hours in 92-degree heat to see her speak for 23 minutes. Palin told the crowd her daughters Piper and Willow got to go to Disney World, although this time they will be flanked by security in order to avoid any other embarrassing suprise pregnancy.

Her remarks hit most of the same points she’s made since McCain chose her. She did, however, update the stump speech to reflect last week’s turmoil in the financial markets.

“This week when the economic crisis threatened the livelihood of millions of Americans, John McCain took a clear stand and supported the goverment bailout even if he’s always condemned government bailouts. Our opponent refused to even take a stand on the position,” Palin said.

In another show of how much the party trusts Palin’s capacity, the Palin-McCain campaign has asked to reduce time for questions and answers in the Palin-Biden debate and to completly eliminate any interaction between the debaters. “We want her to focus on giving our message, rather than to be defending herself. We believe it could save us some money in air time,” a Palin-McCain campaign spokesperson said.

When asked about her lack of credentials in foreign relationships, he answered “Nonsense. We have checked her knowledge on the subject with very throughout questions, like ‘What foreign country is the closest to Alaska?’ and she answered ‘Russia’ before we even finished asking the question. Of course, with all that pressure anyone can forget that the correct answer is Canada, but we still believe she’s more than ready to be a heart attack away from the presidency.”